Pictured: Not me.

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GQ – There are lots of ways to lose weight these days. You could clamp off part of your stomach, take up ultra-marathoning, or sample any number of chemical shakes, cocktails, medications, injections, pudding cups, synthetic meals or genetically modified livestock. You could also burn off more calories than you consume, but who has time for that noise when we live in the future?

Yes, we are an endlessly inventive and profoundly lazy species, one that—in defiance of hundreds of years of science and medical analysis—believes it’s possible to stand motionless on a vibrating plate and become Chris Hemsworth. But this year, we’re resolving not to try these preposterously trendy weight-loss methods.

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