Tag Archives: humor

The 4-Year-Old Who Wasn’t In His Bed (via the Washington Post)

imrs.php

.

On Parenting from the Washington Post — It was a little before 2 a.m. when we discovered our 4-year-old wasn’t in his bed, but it took several more minutes to realize he was also not in the house. The details of the night have grown muddled through the initial fog of panic, years of retelling and the way the now 11-year-old doesn’t exactly remember it, but here’s what we’ve pieced together:

The 4-year-old, at some point between the last time we checked on him and the 911 call, awoke in his bedroom on the second floor. He got right out of bed, opened his door, walked down the hall, turned left, went downstairs and passed through both the kitchen and living room, where his mom had fallen asleep on the couch while studying. He flipped up the lock on the sliding glass door, opened it, unlocked the screen door, opened that too, extracted a pair of floppy blue Crocs from the shoe basket, slipped them on over his footie pajamas and walked outside, closing both doors behind him. We’re still not sure if he was awake — we’ve come to find he inherited his dad’s entertaining gift for sleepwalking  — but we do know it wasn’t an accident, or some wandering gone awry. He wanted to go outside, so he went outside.

The full story at the Washington Post.

.

.

.


Here’s Why My Kids Listen to Songs With the Filthy Language (via the Washington Post)

george-carlin.

.

Washington Post — When my boys are in the car, I occasionally play songs that contain bad words. It’s not a running theme; I don’t buckle them in shouting, “Who wants to hear Death Certificate?” That’s for my drive home. But if a song comes on that drops a bomb from any of the Bad Letters, I’ll offer only a flash of reaction, feel some burned-in but slight impulse to leap into the backseat and shield my beautiful boys’ ears from both obscenity and, you know, the horrors of the world we’ve made. Then some other, broader impulse takes over and I think, “Wait, this isn’t really that big a deal, and also I should probably be driving.”

I’ve come to this conclusion for these reasons.

.

.

.


If You’re 11, There is an Awful Lot of Crying in Baseball (via the Washington Post)

imrs.php

Even for stock art you find by searching “crying kid baseball,” this is pretty heartbreaking.

Washington Post — The season ended, as seasons often do, before anyone was ready, in 2.5 seconds of heartbreaking blur. A surprise double play, shortstop to second to first, that was over before most of us realized it started, mostly because they don’t usually turn double plays in Little League. We didn’t even get the luxury of getting down to our last out. Everything broke the Cardinals’ way, and we were still in it for 5 and a third innings. A nail-biter for an hour and 49 minutes, and it’s over in a finger-snap. Baseball’ll break your heart.

And though he’s not really a “sports kid” so much as a “books about dragons” kid, Little League brought out those feelings, tons of feelings, way too many feelings, not just in my son but basically everyone wearing a youth-sized Yankees hat.

This, people, was the crying-est bunch of boys you ever saw.

The full story at On Parenting by the Washington Post.

.

.

.


Lifelong Cubs Fan Still Can’t Believe They’re Going to the Playoffs (via GQ)

If you buy them inside Wrigley, paper bags are $24.

.

GQ — Barring some sort of monumental collapse, the Chicago Cubs are bound for the playoffs, and I think we all know what that means: We’re about to witness some sort of monumental collapse. Because if being a Cubs fan teaches you anything, it’s to believe nothing, to trust nothing, that life is pain and all hope dies. Or, you know, some variation on that, I’m still playing with the wording and the smothering darkness.

The sad, sad tale at GQ.com.

 

 

 


Here’s Why I’m Not a Sports Dad, Aside From Being Very Terrible at Sports (via Success)

.

Success — Here’s the story I usually tell when someone brings up nutty sports parents.

At the first T-ball practice of the season, back when my son was 7, I introduced him to the coach. I told the man that Jake had begun playing only the year before, on a team named after a fine local flooring store. The words were apparently a trigger.

“I remember you guys!” The coach suddenly exclaimed, more animated than people usually are when discussing the marketing strategies of local flooring stores.

“We played you in the championship—you beat us 7-3! You had orange uniforms, right? And you had those little blond twins who were really good.” Here he turned to his own son, who ambled up behind him. “You remember, right?” The kid rattled off their names. This went on for a few minutes, and the whole time I stood there dumbly thinking, Wait, there was a championship?

The full story, starring sports dads, Drew Storen and “Weird Al” Yankovic — over at Success.

.

.

.


RIP Columbia House, Without Whom I’d Have Accumulated Like Half as Many Extreme and Tesla CDs (via GQ)

Columbia House.jpg

But did they tell you about the shipping charges? NOOOOOOO.

.

GQ — Columbia House, the mass music-warehouse/inventory-closeout company you may remember from the back of every magazine between the years 1987 and 1994, closed this week. This, of course, is a sentence that makes no sense, like, wait, that was still open? That didn’t shutter in 1995, or when we all got Napster, or when they released the iPod? Who in the hell was ordering eight-CDs-for-a-penny in 2015, a magical, terrifying age in which you can clickity three buttons on your phone and dial up literally any piece of recorded music produced since the early Renaissance? It’s a little like hearing that Maxell cassettes just shut down, or that fax machine sales are on the slide.

.
.
.

 


The Official Summer Sports Douchiness Matrix (via GQ)

sport-matrix.4f

.

GQ — Despite having the same last name as a three-time Super Bowl-winning linebacker (the New England Patriots’ Mike Vrabel, or as I call him when I’m trying to impress people or drinking, Dad), I should not play football. I’ve heard as much from lots of places: my family, my bones, the nice people in the ambulance, the other guys with whom I’m playing football. Because though summer is the time to get outside, boost your heart rate and ramp up your blood flow, the fact is not all guys are equipped to play all sports. To help you decide which sports you shouldn’t play, we offer this unscientific and also unresearched guide to amateur sports, with equal emphasis on difficulty level, cardiovascular benefit and how cool you look doing them. Sorry about that last one, croquet.

The full matrix is right here. 

.

.

.

 

Margaritaville Without Mom: A Story of Loss and Cheeseburgers (via The Mid)

It's been a lovely cruise.

Drink it up, this one’s for you.

The Mid — There aren’t too many ways you can make yourself laugh at funerals, but you try, because you tell yourself that’s what the deceased would have wanted, right? Mom would have rolled her eyes at some somber visitation weighed down by synthetic cathedral music and Kleenex; she’d have much preferred a tropical theme and Jimmy Buffett songs about islands and boats, things she, like the vast majority of Buffett fans, loved but never pursued. (If you’ve never seen a room full of adults burst into tears while researching lyrics by a guy famous for a song about a cheeseburger, I can assure you it makes for a weird afternoon.)

So that’s what we did, mostly. A couple times during her visitation (we called it a “time of sharing,” because no one wanted to say “visitation”), someone would ask to turn the music up, which is a strange request for a visitation/time of sharing. I hope the other two families in the funeral home didn’t mind; I’m sure they were trying to hold a traditional service while the weirdos in Room C listened to something called “Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season.”

So this year, having now turned into someone who can get actually emotionally unhinged listening to a song called “Fins,” we thought we’d do one last round, one last splash, one more trip out to the show for Mom. Here’s what happened.

 

.

.

.

 

Oh Sure, Like You’ve Never Watched a Cow Give Birth With Your Sons Before (via The Mid)

JUST PRODUCING A CALF, NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

JUST PRODUCING A CALF, NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

.

The Mid — GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING: This piece contains explicit descriptions of cow birth, but trust me when I say that though they’re all true, detailed and kind of slidey, reading them is not nearly as bad as BEING 10 FEET AWAY FROM A LIVE COW GIVING BIRTH. So everyone just relax.

Indeed, on purpose, with my own eyes and with a mind toward “experiencing nature” (or whatever nonsense you tell yourself when you’re about to witness something grody for no practical purpose), I recently watched a large cow deliver another smaller but still pretty large cow. I realize that most readers here have either witnessed or starred in the production of another human being, and as of press time I’ve only done the former, but I’m pretty sure the cow version is much funkier. Much.

The actual gross birth happens over at The Mid.

.

.

.


Dad Week at GQ.com: 10 Horrible Gross Things They Don’t Tell You About the Delivery Room

delivery-room

.

GQ — There are more books about the wondrous, gross miracle of childbirth than there are celebrity organic cookbooks, inspirational-quote compilations, and terrible softcore mom-porn novels PUT TOGETHER. Yeah, it’s a lot. Let everyone else read the encyclopedias. Here’s a sneak preview for what will be a very curious few hours.

1. You will look. Oh, you’ll not want to look. You’ll want to avoid and eschew looking. You’ll want to hide behind the couch and cover your eyes like the first time you saw the end of Raiders. Thousands of years of primordial evolutionary instincts will all align in your brain, forming a united front like soldiers at a castle siege shouting, “You DO NOT KNOW what hideous terrors lurk in a location you usually enjoy visiting.” But you will look. You will look because you’re a grownup, and a father, and that is your baby’s mother, albeit not exactly presented in a way you might initially recognize. Also, you kind of can’t not look—it’s not like there’s anything more interesting happening in the room.

The full and slightly gooey list over at GQ.com.
.
.

More from Dad Week:

.

.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 7,935 other followers

%d bloggers like this: