Tag Archives: golf

We Have to Leave Earth Anyway, So Which of Humanity’s New Planets Is Best Suited for Golf? (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

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The Loop / Golf Digest — Theoretical physicist and humanity-terrifier Stephen Hawking announced last week that Earth is a doomed cesspool of unstoppable ravage and decay, which is something we obviously all knew already. But the renowned scientist was good enough to put a number on his doomsday prophecy, reporting that we humans need to locate, travel to and colonize another planet within about 500 years, give or take, depending on traffic.

For the most part, this is fine — it’s getting pretty hot around here anyway, and those of us here in Indiana can fund the trip with the sale of our beachfront homes. But while “scientists” and “theoretical physicists” and “those charged with deciding who will travel to this new planet, which should include plenty of tallish gray-haired Slovaks, just saying” debate which planet we should lay waste to next, we here at The Loop have different criteria: Where the hell are we going to play golf? Before we rush into any rash planet-colonizing decisions, let’s break down our potential new homes in the solar system.

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Atari 2600 ‘Golf’ Remains the Best Golf Video Game of All Time (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

 

The Loop / Golf Digest — Everything was better the way it used to be, which is why you buy vinyl copies of records you already own, watch Netflix reboots en masse and apparently go to theaters to absorb five godawful, synapse-pounding Michael Bay movies vaguely based on toys you broke in 1986. The one cultural region where this aggressively nostalgic approach makes sense is video games, because if you are like some of us, you stopped upgrading/purchasing them 20 years ago, haven’t the foggiest clue how to f—king move your f—cking Boba Fett character in f—cking Star Wars Battlefront in a forward-like direction and would just rather play the games you grew up with, when life was uncomplicated, easy to master and built entirely out of 2 cm-thick squares.

Which brings us to the Atari 2600, and specifically Golf, which remains — at the risk of sounding hyperbolic — the best golf video game on the market (and by “market” I mean the ‘Antiquities and Curios’ shack behind the Cracker Barrel by the exit to 65 South). With that ridiculous premise held firmly in mind, here’s a look back at simply the best golf gameplay the early ‘80s had to offer.

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On the Heritage, and why grown men play golf wearing silly clown pants

"Purple plaid, check. Lets go seize this day."

Hilton Head Monthly — I should start by saying that with apologies to both my mom and Jim Furyk, I’ve never really been into golf.

This is for one extremely simple, profound reason: I am terrible at golf. I am terrible at it in grave, hideous fashion. I am terrible at it in ways that make it so you can actually watch my 7-year-old lose respect for me in real time, in ways that should be sung about by Tom Waits, in ways that if our culture somehow celebrated the appearance of playing golf as though you’re being repeatedly jabbed in the brain with an electric toothbrush, I would be totally winning.

It’s not, I should make clear, for lack of trying. Once, at a driving range, I literally hit a ball that ended up — and I’m still not entirely sure how the physics worked on this — beneath my car, which was interesting, since the car was about 30 feet away, and also behind me. On the depressingly infrequent occasions when I managed to orient the ball in the direction I was facing already, it would most often fly in a reasonably straight line for about 20 feet, then stop dead, make an inexplicable right turn and promptly careen into whatever was off to the right: forest, batting cage, birthday party, pile of angry alligators, whatever.

But here’s my other thing with golf, and, again, I’m an outsider, so please correct me if I’m wrong: Average pinheads like me can attend, say, a baseball game. We can go see basketball in street clothes. But I’m not sure I can ever adapt to golf’s established, tradition-filled world based almost entirely — and I apologize if this sounds discriminatory — on my taste in pants.

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James Brown – Hot Pants

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Awful orange shorts, giant bunny ears and T-Pain: A Night at the Verizon Heritage (2009)

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The Heritage is basically its Super Bowl and Academy Awards rolled into one package, albeit a package extremely comfortable with wearing salmon-colored pants.

Island Packet — “12 dollars,”my bartender said with a good-natured smile as he slid over my complete order of precisely two beers — an upmarket vintage import known stateside as “Bud Light” — and wittily I replied, “Blerph?” Twelve was a good many more dollars than I was expecting to pay for such luxury — I find Bud Light generally costs that much only if a professional sports franchise or possibly Jimmy Buffett is playing in my direct line of vision — so I gathered my wits and re-opened the wallet.

“Sorry,” I said, trying not to appear flumbergasted. “Wasn’t ready for that.”

“Yeah,” the bartender replied dryly, in the tired timbre of a man who had enjoyed this conversation several million times today, adding, “Welcome to Hilton Head.”

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Lonely Island – I’m On A Boat (feat. T-Pain)

[audio http://bit.ly/9SGHG]

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Touting Lumpy, Schmoozing Bud Man and $9 Cheeseburgers in Paradise: A Night At The Verizon Heritage (2008)

Island Packet – Generally speaking, if you are sent out to cover the nightlife during Verizon Heritage weekend and you begin your assignment at Harbour Town by looking for interesting-looking people to talk to, it’s a good idea to begin with gentlemen in inflatable Viking helmets. (They don’t really cover Viking helmet-seeking in journalism school; it’s just one of those senses you develop.)

These would be Mike Arseneau of Hilton Head and Alan Walliem from Bloomington, Minn., two avid golf fans who reported their headgear was designed to, and I’m quoting here, “support Lumpy.”

I’m not remotely knowledgeable about golf, so at this point I’m reasonably sure that I’ve stepped into a parallel galaxy that’s run by blow-up Vikings, but Walliem assured me that “Lumpy” is the affectionate nickname for Minneapolis native Tim Herron, a golferthe two have been following throughout their many repeat trips to the Heritage. “This is a phenomenal tournament,” Walliem says.

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