Tag Archives: coffee

Very Good News Regarding Coffee and Immortality (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

You and I are gonna live forever

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The Loop / Golf Digest — Science is hard and includes a seemingly bottomless swirl of absurd words and phrases such as “continuum” and “polyphenols” and “irreversible climate change,” so it helps to only read studies that pertain directly to your life.

For instance, I am an extremely busy content provider, and science is a diverse field that apparently covers food, rocks and outer space, and I don’t know who has the time to keep up with all of its endless flip-flopping — eggs are good for you, no they’re bad, and you should drink eight cups of water a day, except that doesn’t work, and you can’t eat “unprocessed cheeses” when you’re pregnant, which was pretty inconvenient for me.

But this policy allows for two new studies that confirm this pleasing news: people who drink coffee live longer than those who do not.

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The Secret Fast-Food Menu Items OF THE DAMNED (GQ)

bill-lewis-starbucks-most-expensive-cup-of-coffee

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GQ — As if we needed further evidence that the whole secret menu craze at fast-food restaurants has jumped the shark, yesterday a latte enthusiast named William E. Lewis Jr. ordered himself a very much off-the-menu XXXXL cup of coffee including 101 shots of espresso and 17 pumps of vanilla syrup.

What’s next? We got to guessing. Below, the eight next secret-menu items we expect to see:

Burger King: America Burger. It’s just a regular burger, but every time you take a bite an air horn goes off and the chorus of “Rock You Like a Hurricane” starts playing.

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Read the full list here.

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Coffee found to have added benefits, such as making you die less

Pictured: Right before then became now.

GateHouse — I rarely pay heed to news out of the world of Science, mostly because we’re in a recession, people, and I’m not made of heed.

But it’s also because such news often arrives in the form of sizable and startling-looking words, many of which contain prefixes (ugh), in periodicals that I do not subscribe to, such as the New England Journal of Medicine, Philosophical Transactions Of The Royal Society and Redbook. I also find it overly scientific, and the people who write it tend to be like super-obsessed with things like molecules and dark matter and large hadrons colliding, and I had plenty of biology in the 10th grade, thank you very much. If Science talked more about Facebook and quidditch, maybe we’d have something.

You disgust me.

That said, now and again Science produces some actual news that makes me sit up and call my momma, which apparently is something I have to sit up to do, as it is very hard to dial the phone while reclining. Last week Science announced that coffee not only provides your primary reason to get up in the morning (yeah, I said it, CBS’ “The Early Show”) and is literally the only reason I can complete all basic tasks between the hours of 2:30 and 6 p.m., but it has other, more additional health benefits as well, such as not-dying, which is a pretty good benefit, frankly. I’d like to see other beverages come up with a benefit like that. Looking at you, Mello Yello, what do you got in the way of extending the average life expectancy? What’s that? Jack squat? I thought so. Just sit there and be mello, loser.

Anyway, and it goes on for a while, but the study basically reveals that coffee is good at making you die less. Now, depending upon the kind of either human or Romney you are, this news will elicit one of two reactions:

  1. “AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” (joyously, followed by tearful hugging of increasingly uncomfortable strangers at the bus stop)
  2. “I guess that’s good news, but I’m not really a coffee drinker so” and it is here that I would stop listening to your boring mouthwords, because if you are not a coffee drinker I cannot imagine what further conversation we would remotely hope to have, as I would literally be half-listening to every fool syllable dribbling out of your face thinking, “You get out of my house you get out right now.”
 
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Starbucks Trenta: Probably a bit much, unless you’re a horse

GateHouse — One night, while working late in Chicago many years ago, I ordered a venti Starbucks coffee at about 11 p.m., finished my shift at midnight, got into the car and drove through Canada. It was the easiest drive I ever made. I was totally awake for the whole trip, first through Michigan (which back then still had money for highway asphalt, which was nice), and then Canada, which was clean, uninterrupted landscape broken only by the occasional rest stop and impromptu all-moose Gordon Lightfoot cover-band concert.

The venti totally kept me up through the night, through the rhythm and monotony of the dark, deserted highway, although to be fair it helped that I needed to find a bathroom every 9 minutes. And once safely back in New York, I stopped for breakfast, switched places with my wife, and stone-cold passed out in the passenger seat for approximately the next three days.

I bring this up because until recently the Starbucks venti, which singlehandedly propelled me through an evening of treacherous international travel, was among the largest coffee-delivery vessels you could purchase in America without applying for a federal exemption (thank you very much Obamacare). But the venti is a wee candypants Dixie cup joke next to a gut-blurchingly Starbucks cup called the Trenta, which means “thirty” in Italian and “If you don’t tell me where the bathroom is now, I am not going to be responsible to what’s about to happen to this couch” in pretty much every other language.

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Yeah, GORDON LIGHTFOOT HAS A SONG ABOUT COFFEE. #thingsIdidn’tknowuntilIwrotethis

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The coffee maker is broken. Many dozens will be killed.

drink-coffee-magnet-c11750048GateHouse — I am aware that it is the holiday season and a time for rebirth and rededication and optimism and a drive to excise those parts of your personality that other people mock when you’re not around.

But I don’t care, because my coffee maker’s broken, and my mind is basically a hot burbling Black Sabbath record right now. I’m pretty sure that if a troop of Girl Scouts came by to sell me cookies on Sunday morning, there is a reasonable chance that I would pour an oversized oak bucket of rubber cement on them. Unless, of course, they were one of those Girl Scout troops that sells coffee makers door-to-door, in which case I’d be helpful and caring, as long as they made their sales pitch extremely, extremely fast.

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http://bit.ly/6rBs6w

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My New Coffee Maker Is Totally Going To Score Me $100,000

spaceballs mr coffee

Well I hope it’s a long wedding, because it’s gonna be a short honeymoon.

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Island Packet — Have you ever actually sat down and read the instruction manual to a Black and Decker 12-cup coffee maker? I mean, ever really taken it in, absorbed it deeply? Because it’s phenomenal, and not just because it apparently wields the power to score you one hundred thousand dollars. AMERICAN dollars! Which I know is worth about $3,550 now, but it’s still cool.

I don’t think I’d ever truly considered the possibility of receiving buckets of cash because of an appliance until last week, when I broke the carafe on my old coffee maker by placing it in the dishwasher in a manner that apparently caused several hundred pounds of force to be applied to it mid-rinse cycle, because when I pulled the thing out of the dishwasher there was a giant angry-looking crack in the side of it, staring at me, judging me, mocking me.

No, it is not often that I believe I am being personally made fun of by beverage containers, with the exception of the time that 24-pack of Dr. Pepper made fun of my popped collar, but this particular carafe and I had a very close, intimate relationship, as we were basically the first item the other greeted in the morning for many, many years. Frankly, I think it got tired of having to serve me every day, and killed itself in the dishwasher, probably with a wet fork.

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