Tag Archives: caffeine

Very Good News Regarding Coffee and Immortality (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

You and I are gonna live forever

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The Loop / Golf Digest — Science is hard and includes a seemingly bottomless swirl of absurd words and phrases such as “continuum” and “polyphenols” and “irreversible climate change,” so it helps to only read studies that pertain directly to your life.

For instance, I am an extremely busy content provider, and science is a diverse field that apparently covers food, rocks and outer space, and I don’t know who has the time to keep up with all of its endless flip-flopping — eggs are good for you, no they’re bad, and you should drink eight cups of water a day, except that doesn’t work, and you can’t eat “unprocessed cheeses” when you’re pregnant, which was pretty inconvenient for me.

But this policy allows for two new studies that confirm this pleasing news: people who drink coffee live longer than those who do not.

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The coffee maker is broken. Many dozens will be killed.

drink-coffee-magnet-c11750048GateHouse — I am aware that it is the holiday season and a time for rebirth and rededication and optimism and a drive to excise those parts of your personality that other people mock when you’re not around.

But I don’t care, because my coffee maker’s broken, and my mind is basically a hot burbling Black Sabbath record right now. I’m pretty sure that if a troop of Girl Scouts came by to sell me cookies on Sunday morning, there is a reasonable chance that I would pour an oversized oak bucket of rubber cement on them. Unless, of course, they were one of those Girl Scout troops that sells coffee makers door-to-door, in which case I’d be helpful and caring, as long as they made their sales pitch extremely, extremely fast.

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http://bit.ly/6rBs6w

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My New Coffee Maker Is Totally Going To Score Me $100,000

spaceballs mr coffee

Well I hope it’s a long wedding, because it’s gonna be a short honeymoon.

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Island Packet — Have you ever actually sat down and read the instruction manual to a Black and Decker 12-cup coffee maker? I mean, ever really taken it in, absorbed it deeply? Because it’s phenomenal, and not just because it apparently wields the power to score you one hundred thousand dollars. AMERICAN dollars! Which I know is worth about $3,550 now, but it’s still cool.

I don’t think I’d ever truly considered the possibility of receiving buckets of cash because of an appliance until last week, when I broke the carafe on my old coffee maker by placing it in the dishwasher in a manner that apparently caused several hundred pounds of force to be applied to it mid-rinse cycle, because when I pulled the thing out of the dishwasher there was a giant angry-looking crack in the side of it, staring at me, judging me, mocking me.

No, it is not often that I believe I am being personally made fun of by beverage containers, with the exception of the time that 24-pack of Dr. Pepper made fun of my popped collar, but this particular carafe and I had a very close, intimate relationship, as we were basically the first item the other greeted in the morning for many, many years. Frankly, I think it got tired of having to serve me every day, and killed itself in the dishwasher, probably with a wet fork.

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