Category Archives: The Loop / Golf Digest

Happy 33rd Birthday to CDs, Terre Haute and “Born in the USA,” Not in That Order (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

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The Loop / Golf Digest — Thirty-three years ago today, an event of monumental cultural significance took place just down the road here in Terre Haute, Ind., a quiet, unassuming southern Indiana town known primarily for smelling like a barn full of tire fires.

The event: The first-ever production of a music compact disc—a.k.a. the CD—which occurred on Sept. 21, 1984, forever burning in Indiana’s place in music history, alongside (rifles through papers) Michael Jackson and Cole Porter and Axl Rose and Hoagy Carmichael and John Mellencamp and David Lee Roth and Wes Montgomery and yes I get me a little defensive about Indiana. You guys make your flyover-corn and Fat Bob Knight gags, but without us, there would be no “Mr. Brownstone” and that is a Hoosier fact.

All the warm birthday wishes here. 

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Guys, It Cannot Be This Hard to Direct a ‘Star Wars’ Movie (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

Ozzel_croaks

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The Loop / Golf Digest — The Star Wars franchise lost another director this week — its third in the last four months — with the abrupt announcement that Lucasfilm had fired Colin Trevorrow, who was announced back in 2015 as the director of Episode IX and has been working on a script treatment since. With yesterday’s tersely worded announcement on StarWars.com, Trevorrow takes a seat on the bench next to Phil Lord and Chris Miller, who were themselves canned as directors of the as-yet-untitled Han Solo movie a full four months into production and replaced by your reliable movie-making dad Ron Howard, who’s been recording over their footage since.

In golf terms, this is like shooting par for 16 holes, then walking onto the tee at 17, lighting your clubs on fire, selecting a new caddy, driving to an entirely different golf club and beginning to play soccer. It’s weird, it guarantees most of the Han Solo movie is hot wacky garbage and it makes those of us on planet nerd scream IT’S A STAR WARS MOVIE, HOW HARD IS THIS, and by “scream” I mean “cleverly tweet” because that’s the only way we can work out emotions.

A list of directors who’ve come and gone through the Star Wars universe, all signed because they were reasonably young and hip, most with blockbusters under their belt, and all canned when their new-era vibe crashed into Lucasfilm’s (let’s be honest, well-established and reasonably successful) plans.

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How to Watch the Eclipse and/or Burn Your Eyes Out, Both Seem Like Solid Ideas This Week (The Loop / Golf Digest)

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The Loop / Golf Digest — The “Great American Eclipse,” a celestial event of singular majesty that will take place Monday, Aug. 21. And it’s a big deal because it’s a total eclipse, which for large swaths of America will blot out the sun, briefly create an artificial night and herald the beginning of the end of days. (Ha! Just kidding! Unless you’re in Kentucky, then you’re probably on board.) An eclipse hasn’t crossed the continental United States since June 8, 1918, so people are getting really, really excited about this.

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Attn Fellow Old People: This is What ‘Despacito’ Is (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

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Golf Digest — Over the weekend, the global reggaeton smash “Despacito” became the most-viewed YouTube video of all time, a cross-cultural milestone that came as a total shock to the vast percentage of us who have never consciously heard “Despacito.” Released in January and now boasting more than 3 billion views, the track unseated the previous most-viewed thing in the history of Earth, Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth’s “See You Again,” which unseated the previous previous winner, and there’s no way to accurately get across how hard we’re sighing while typing this, “Gangnam Style.”

“Despacito” is performed by Puerto Rican singer Luis Fonsi and reggaeton star Daddy Yankee, two very famous and accomplished musicians whom we would not recognize in the slightest. And while we are experiencing strange sensations of cultural optimism about how America’s wall-happy culture still allows for global-reach music performed in “other languages,” we have no idea what this song is. So, for those of us who confess to being out of touch with this particular milestone (read: are old as hell), a primer to “Despacito,” as written by a guy who will hear it for the first time in approximately 15 seconds.

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Several Very Good Reasons to Never Go to a Public Pool Again (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

(Illustration / Rami Niemi)

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The Loop / Golf Digest — It doesn’t matter if you’re at the pool in your city, neighborhood, hotel or vacation rental you snuck into because the gate was open — danger floats in every end. Well, sometimes it lurks at the bottom. But it mostly floats. Danger usually floats.

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Very Good News Regarding Coffee and Immortality (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

You and I are gonna live forever

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The Loop / Golf Digest — Science is hard and includes a seemingly bottomless swirl of absurd words and phrases such as “continuum” and “polyphenols” and “irreversible climate change,” so it helps to only read studies that pertain directly to your life.

For instance, I am an extremely busy content provider, and science is a diverse field that apparently covers food, rocks and outer space, and I don’t know who has the time to keep up with all of its endless flip-flopping — eggs are good for you, no they’re bad, and you should drink eight cups of water a day, except that doesn’t work, and you can’t eat “unprocessed cheeses” when you’re pregnant, which was pretty inconvenient for me.

But this policy allows for two new studies that confirm this pleasing news: people who drink coffee live longer than those who do not.

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Gangster Minivan Packing (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

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The Loop / Golf Digest — Today’s minivans are no longer stodgy, dad-approved cubes designed for the sole purpose of taking third graders to and from practice, but sleek, practical and fully modernized vehicles designed for the sole purpose of taking third graders to and from practice. But they also work for vacations, which is nice, because they contain an awful lot of stuff and, if there’s room, people. Here’s how to maximize space in your summer road trip vehicle:

Electronic device: Three hundred years ago, in the ‘80s, travelers were required to pack for road trips by bringing a Walkman, 24 batteries, 30 cassette tapes, a pallet of comic books, an extra set of headphones and myriad Garfield collections, and that was just to make it out of Indiana. Sure, electronic devices may be shattering our attention spans into fragile bite-sized fragments of their former selves, but man, they make packing for road trips a merry breeze. I have found that one game of Goat Simulator can get two children through Tennessee and Georgia, and Georgia is like 16 hours long, so that’s simply technology improving our lives.

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12 Easy Ways to Maintain Your Majestic Dad Dad Bod All Summer Long (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

Goals.

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The Loop / Golf Digest — That visible blob around your midsection isn’t going to keep itself there all summer, dads of America. Here are a few tips for making sure you reach the end of summer without succumbing to any of that exercise you planned at the beginning of it:

• Black coffee contains zero calories, so limit yourself to syrupy beverages. You may be tempted to at least add sugar to your black coffee, but that only gets your hafway there. Make sure to order only drinks that feature caramelly drizzles or, if possible, come topped with burst of whipped cream the size of a hockey puck.

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We Have to Leave Earth Anyway, So Which of Humanity’s New Planets Is Best Suited for Golf? (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

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The Loop / Golf Digest — Theoretical physicist and humanity-terrifier Stephen Hawking announced last week that Earth is a doomed cesspool of unstoppable ravage and decay, which is something we obviously all knew already. But the renowned scientist was good enough to put a number on his doomsday prophecy, reporting that we humans need to locate, travel to and colonize another planet within about 500 years, give or take, depending on traffic.

For the most part, this is fine — it’s getting pretty hot around here anyway, and those of us here in Indiana can fund the trip with the sale of our beachfront homes. But while “scientists” and “theoretical physicists” and “those charged with deciding who will travel to this new planet, which should include plenty of tallish gray-haired Slovaks, just saying” debate which planet we should lay waste to next, we here at The Loop have different criteria: Where the hell are we going to play golf? Before we rush into any rash planet-colonizing decisions, let’s break down our potential new homes in the solar system.

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Atari 2600 ‘Golf’ Remains the Best Golf Video Game of All Time (via The Loop / Golf Digest)

 

The Loop / Golf Digest — Everything was better the way it used to be, which is why you buy vinyl copies of records you already own, watch Netflix reboots en masse and apparently go to theaters to absorb five godawful, synapse-pounding Michael Bay movies vaguely based on toys you broke in 1986. The one cultural region where this aggressively nostalgic approach makes sense is video games, because if you are like some of us, you stopped upgrading/purchasing them 20 years ago, haven’t the foggiest clue how to f—king move your f—cking Boba Fett character in f—cking Star Wars Battlefront in a forward-like direction and would just rather play the games you grew up with, when life was uncomplicated, easy to master and built entirely out of 2 cm-thick squares.

Which brings us to the Atari 2600, and specifically Golf, which remains — at the risk of sounding hyperbolic — the best golf video game on the market (and by “market” I mean the ‘Antiquities and Curios’ shack behind the Cracker Barrel by the exit to 65 South). With that ridiculous premise held firmly in mind, here’s a look back at simply the best golf gameplay the early ‘80s had to offer.

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