I for one welcome our new walking octopus / monstrous insect overlords

Abject horror from Gizmodo

GateHouse — The good news: The world will officially not end as a result of the disastrous tsunami of semi-coherent pepperoni-mouthed idiocy that would have defined The Herman Cain Presidency! The bad news: It will probably end as a result of one of the following:

  1. Octopi that walk among us, or
  2. Giant Air Jordan-sized insects that eat carrots and look like they could punch people in the face.

There are two horrendous animals you should check out on the Internet right now, which is weird, because the Internet is mostly used only for cute animals, such as puppies and kitties and squirrels playing harmonicas.

But in this case the Internet has given us a video in which an octopus at a marine reserve is seen swimming around in the water, which is where octopus usually go. The water is where octopi do octopi-like things, such as admire their own arms and destroy Captain Nemo’s submarine and make fun of those commercials where wankers buy each other Lexuses for Christmas. But in the video, after a few seconds, the octopus WALKS OUT OF THE WATER ONTO THE LAND, while onlookers gape and holler and burst into tears and riot and rightfully flee into nearby mountain terrain, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING because octopi DO NOT WALK ON LAND, which you know already if you attended school, even ones in Kentucky.

(Incidentally I’ve just been told that it was actually a giant squid that destroyed Captain Nemo’s submarine, but I can’t think of anything unusually evil that an octopus has done in movies  so I’m leaving it. If anyone knows of some seriously evil octopus shenanigans, email me.)

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[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjQr3lRACPI&feature=share]

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Now, if you’ve never seen an octopus walk … well you can pretty much click the video thingy. But if you’d prefer to have it described for you by a “humor columnist” who can barely keep from retching violently onto his MacBook right now, it looks like what would happen if during a double-lung transplant the surgeons dropped the two lungs on the ground and the lungs each sprouted eight legs and went to the hospital cafeteria for a dinner made of beets and Jabba the Hutt’s tongue and four quarts of vintage pudding, then dumped the beets and tongue and pudding on themselves and undulated down the hall to await the return of the mothership. So seriously you should check it out!

You should not, however, check out the Giant Weta, which the Internet tells me is a “cricket-like insect” but what is clearly a guinea pig that has shed all its skin, spot-evolved a crispy exoskeleton, sprouted grasshopper legs and antennae and goes around CREATING NIGHTMARES AND EATING CARROTS AND ONE DAY PEOPLE I AM SURE OF IT.

The Giant Weta is seven inches long, which, when converted into Insect means it’s 47 feet long, has teeth and looks like it’d be perfectly comfortable biting the heads off of everyone on the bus with you.

Luckily, the Giant Weta can currently only be found on a probably theoretical place called “Little Barrier Island” in New Zealand, which frankly doesn’t sound very big and, as a result, will be easy to avoid even on the more comprehensive “Lord of the Rings” site tours. But that will only hold until the Weta rides to a larger, less fictional landmass, probably on an even larger insect with sails and/or the ability to successfully captain a pontoon boat. Our only hope is that before these massive insects make landfall they’re attacked and eaten by walking octopi.

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

9 responses to “I for one welcome our new walking octopus / monstrous insect overlords

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