GateHouse — So, just to straighten this out, just to quell the controversy, there’s a new study that says watching TV is a drain on your lifeforce somehow? WELL THANKS FOR KEEPING ME CURRENT, SCIENCE. What’s next on the list? Is it teleporting? I hope it’s teleporting.
To jump back to before the previous paragraph (yes, I have solved COLUMN TIME TRAVEL), a recent study published in Australia revealed that watching too much TV increases your chance of dying early from health problems. It also apparently reveals that science is out of things to study. No no, guys, thanks, since we’ve got all of our other problems so skillfully figured out, I guess it’s OK for you to start going back to the mid 1950s to CHECK YOUR WORK. It’s a good thing our Future Republican President is planning to make sure all your textbooks are flamethrowered.
See, people, this is why Brave Patriots like Rick Perry and the additional 400 GOP presidential candidates are so wisely poking holes in Science things like “evolution” and “global warming” and “Avogadro’s number” and “the atomic weight of cobalt” (the “Periodic Table” will tell you that it’s 58.933, but that’s just a theory that’s out there): Not because Science is filling our children’s precious spongebrains with facts and empirically proven evidence instead of merely our own desperately held belief structures, because it’s MOSTLY REHASHING THINGS WE KNEW ALREADY. Last week saw another round of stories about how eating processed meats made from the feet of animals you would hit with a subway train if you could might not be so good for the ol’ Heart. WELL THANKS A HEAP, SCIENCE. I suppose next you’re going to report some bungling nonsense about how easy access to “guns” increases “the rates of violence in America.” Science is such a loser.
OK, anyway, the big shot Study: It comes to us from the University of Queensland in Australia, which I will not make fun of because I am holding onto some hope that I will be flown down to the University of Queensland to discuss this column, because I’ve always totally wanted to visit Australia, although I’m told that increases your chance of perishing at the hands and teeth of some sort of ghastly exotic deathcreature with talons and fangs and pincers and a sail. Eh, keeps it interesting.
This Study reported that the average human lifespan is snipped by 22 minutes for every hour of television its brain watches after age 25. To extrapolate using math that someone on the Internet computed for me because I went to school in Texas, a person who watches six hours of TV each day will live FIVE YEARS LESS than someone who has never in his life seen a single episode of a “Law And Order.”
Related, sort of
So let’s just recap: Sitting for countless hours a day watching animal hoarders from Louisiana has negative health benefits? YOU WILL STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Is it too late to secure funding for my study about how watching videos of Anne Hathaway increases my happiness? I will need four million dollars immediately. (Note that the study excludes whatever James Patterson nightmare movie she’s in now, as I am still a dude).
So I say to you, Rick Perry, I AM ON YOUR SIDE. (And also where do you get your hair done? Because that saucy fly-away is some straight-up Han Solo-in-Texas awesomeness.) Let us dispense with the words and the numbers, which will incidentally enable us to also get rid of millions of “teachers!” Their work can be quickly absorbed by whatever half-sober carbon sacks are in the schools already; it’s not like second-grade math is difficult to teach.
Not sold yet? OK, here’s one more: Another study on the Internet, which is frankly full of studies and thus exceedingly confusing, indicates that sitting for more than six hours a day at a computer similarly increases your chance of early death. This report contains all manner of horrifying statistics involving sedentary lifestyles, obesity rates, exercise times and the effects of having a job where you basically sit around reading these sorts of things all the time. It’s a good thing I write fast, or else I’d