Rick Perry is correct: Science is pretty much a huge loser

Pictured: Basically what all Scientists look like.

GateHouse — So, just to straighten this out, just to quell the controversy, there’s a new study that says watching TV is a drain on your lifeforce somehow? WELL THANKS FOR KEEPING ME CURRENT, SCIENCE. What’s next on the list? Is it teleporting? I hope it’s teleporting.

To jump back to before the previous paragraph (yes, I have solved COLUMN TIME TRAVEL), a recent study published in Australia revealed that watching too much TV increases your chance of dying early from health problems. It also apparently reveals that science is out of things to study. No no, guys, thanks, since we’ve got all of our other problems so skillfully figured out, I guess it’s OK for you to start going back to the mid 1950s to CHECK YOUR WORK. It’s a good thing our Future Republican President is planning to make sure all your textbooks are flamethrowered.

See, people, this is why Brave Patriots like Rick Perry and the additional 400 GOP presidential candidates are so wisely poking holes in Science things like “evolution” and “global warming” and “Avogadro’s number” and “the atomic weight of cobalt” (the “Periodic Table” will tell you that it’s 58.933, but that’s just a theory that’s out there): Not because Science is filling our children’s precious spongebrains with facts and empirically proven evidence instead of merely our own desperately held belief structures, because it’s MOSTLY REHASHING THINGS WE KNEW ALREADY. Last week saw another round of stories about how eating processed meats made from the feet of animals you would hit with a subway train if you could might not be so good for the ol’ Heart. WELL THANKS A HEAP, SCIENCE. I suppose next you’re going to report some bungling nonsense about how easy access to “guns” increases “the rates of violence in America.” Science is such a loser.

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Pictured: Basically what happens if you try to prove evolution.

OK, anyway, the big shot Study: It comes to us from the University of Queensland in Australia, which I will not make fun of because I am holding onto some hope that I will be flown down to the University of Queensland to discuss this column, because I’ve always totally wanted to visit Australia, although I’m told that increases your chance of perishing at the hands and teeth of some sort of ghastly exotic deathcreature with talons and fangs and pincers and a sail. Eh, keeps it interesting.

This Study reported that the average human lifespan is snipped by 22 minutes for every hour of television its brain watches after age 25. To extrapolate using math that someone on the Internet computed for me because I went to school in Texas, a person who watches six hours of TV each day will live FIVE YEARS LESS than someone who has never in his life seen a single episode of a “Law And Order.”

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Related, sort of

• Scientists are cloning mammoths and other huge prehistoric beasts, because that went so well with Gamera

• Up and atom: Will someone please count these molecules for my 7-year-old?

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So let’s just recap: Sitting for countless hours a day watching animal hoarders from Louisiana has negative health benefits? YOU WILL STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Is it too late to secure funding for my study about how watching videos of Anne Hathaway increases my happiness? I will need four million dollars immediately. (Note that the study excludes whatever James Patterson nightmare movie she’s in now, as I am still a dude).

So I say to you, Rick Perry, I AM ON YOUR SIDE. (And also where do you get your hair done? Because that saucy fly-away is some straight-up Han Solo-in-Texas awesomeness.) Let us dispense with the words and the numbers, which will incidentally enable us to also get rid of millions of “teachers!” Their work can be quickly absorbed by whatever half-sober carbon sacks are in the schools already; it’s not like second-grade math is difficult to teach.

Not sold yet? OK, here’s one more: Another study on the Internet, which is frankly full of studies and thus exceedingly confusing, indicates that sitting for more than six hours a day at a computer similarly increases your chance of early death. This report contains all manner of horrifying statistics involving sedentary lifestyles, obesity rates, exercise times and the effects of having a job where you basically sit around reading these sorts of things all the time. It’s a good thing I write fast, or else I’d

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

5 responses to “Rick Perry is correct: Science is pretty much a huge loser

  • Lokyra Stone

    Congratulations on solving the column time travel problem! And it’s probably a good idea to go back to the 50s to check their work. They got a lot of things wrong then.

    Watching videos of Anne Hathaway makes me happy too. Can I help with the study? I can even watch the James Patterson ones since I have estrogen.

    And I am shocked. Shocked I tell you. I was always under the impression that tv and computers were *good* for you.

    And Rick Perry doesn’t get his hair done. That hair is his super power.

    Like

    • Jeff Vrabel

      Solving time travel required 15 years and $650 million in federal grants, but it was worth it. I am hoping that the Catwoman thing negates “British Fop Love Story” or whatever that one is called

      Like

  • Lokyra Stone

    I haven’t seen British Fop Love Story I don’t think. It sounds dreadful.

    I am really stoked for her Catwoman role.

    15 years and $650 million dollars, it better be worth it. Have you used the technology to go back and leave a message for yourself to buy a lotto ticket with certain numbers or something?

    Like

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