At left: CI1 carbonaceous chondrites. At right: Just some rocks.

GateHouse — You guys might have missed this last week, as the news cycles were thick with unimaginable disaster (Japan) and unimaginable stupid (everything else, let’s just pick two random ones how about “Martha Stewart is a grandma” and “Timberlake/Biel split” whoa wait really?), but a scientist says he found life in space. This is an unprocessably big deal, the culmination of millennia of stargazing and decades of technologically wondrous exploration and hundreds of terrible, terrible movies with Will Smith in them, and yet as “confirmed alien life” does nothing for you in the page views department let me also very quickly mention that I can help you find out WHAT REALLY SPLIT UP JUSTIN AND JESSICA. (I don’t want to give it away, but Martha Stewart = totally involved.)

(It also doesn’t help that this guy has been more or less shoved given a metaphoric swirly by his colleagues, but as I’m just here to make dumb jokes, not get in the middle of a nerd-fight, let’s just press on.)

Anyway, a few weeks ago, late at night, on a corner of the Internet very few people frequent because it rarely contains information on the porny antics of a man best known for making cornball sex jokes on America’s second-dumbest means for delivering alleged comedy (you’re reading the first), it was reported that Science located evidence of extraterrestrial life. This, of course, is no great shakes, as we’ve learned that science is to be selectively ignored and distrusted, so it’s understandable that it took a little while for a story confirming the EXISTENCE OF ALIEN LIFE to find its legs, or tentacles, or amorphous bulbous glowing laser-firing appendages, whatever they have up there. (I’m hoping that at least there’s something akin to a tauntaun, but that’s just me, I get cold easily.)


Spacehog – In The Meantime


The claim was made by Dr. Richard B. Hoover to FoxNews.com, which took a brief pause from Reporting on the war on intelligent design to put science on TV; as a result, several dozen of their cameras exploded, as did two of their Megyn Kellys.

“I interpret it as indicating that life is more broadly distributed than restricted strictly to the planet Earth,” said Hoover, who has spent more than 10 years studying meteorites around the world, and cries when you tell him about your high score on Asteroids. “This field of study has just barely been touched — because quite frankly, a great many scientists would say that this is impossible.”

There’s probably no better month for this discovery to be discovered, because if we’ve learned anything this week it’s that

  1. The planet is tired of our stupid crap, and
  2. Earth life has pretty well tapped itself out anyway, between Kim Kardashian’s song, half of the country being foil-hat crazy that elementary school teachers might be  getting the decent health care to which they’re entitled, your public school being about 10 weeks away from cutting math and the fact that in about three months there’ll be precisely four American mid-sized cities with a functional fire department. TAKE US WITH YOU, BACTERIA.

Distressingly, many of the bacteria, which, I feel like I should reiterate, were FOUND FLYING THROUGH SPACE ON A ROCK, are closely related to those found on Earth, which is bad news for those of us who were really pulling for either amorphous super-beings capable of moving cars around with their minds, or multi-tentacled killing machines; seriously, aside from the murderous rages, some of us were secretly hoping for Predators (three words: fun at parties). But there is cause for hope: “There are some that are just very strange and don’t look like anything that I’ve been able to identify,” Hoover told FoxNews.com, “And I’ve shown them to many other experts that have also come up stump.” YES. SHOW THEM TO JEFF GOLDBLUM ALREADY! NOW IT’S A THING!

Also sadly, if the microorganisms are indeed similar to those found on Earth, that means that in a couple billion years citizens of the meteorite will be paying its equivalent of the star of two “Hot Shots!” movies barrels full of million-dollar bills while whining that its teachers get too much time off. If I was that meteorite, which considerable Scientific testing has confirmed I’m not, I would turn around and run like hell.


About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

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