GateHouse — Attention, Citizens Of San Francisco, At Least Whatever Percentage Is Not Baked Enough To Realize I Am Not A Cartoon Dog’s Voice In Your Brain Right Now:
Hi, it’s Jeff. Listen, we — and when I say “we,” I speak for all of us out here in Real America, the one with all the trucks — know you’ve had an emotional few weeks. You apparently won a World Series, which means you were apparently competing in a World Series, which means a World Series was apparently taking place — whatever, hey, good for the World Series. And we know that glorious victory was immediately followed by a Republican Midterm Tsunaminado that will swiftly unravel all the basic rights you’ve held out hope for, such as the ability to fuel your cars with angel sneezes, or marry whoever you want.
But you simply cannot expect us to sit idle while you take out your violent mood swings on our innocent kids’ toys and our beloved trans fats.
Indeed, San Francisco, liberal California hippietopia, where all musicians are required to be barefoot and never use a bass player, last week became the first big-shot city in America to ban the Happy Meal, which, of course, was being issued to kids city-wide as part of Obamacare.
Well, they didn’t ban the Happy Meal exactly, because that would have caused rioting in the streets of San Francisco by local children, which would have been the MOST ADORABLE RIOTS EVER, all those little civil disobedients running around in hemp-flavored Cobra Viper masks. But the city’s Board of Supervisors, which partially runs the city despite sounding like the people to whom you would bring concerns about your water bill, voted 8-3 last week to ban restaurants from offering free toys with meals containing more than 600 calories. As anyone who’s ever eaten at McDonald’s knows, their straws alone are 750 calories, so the Happy Meal is basically toast. (Note: “Toast” here is used metaphorically, as actual toast is much too healthy to actually appear in a Happy Meal.)
Under this new law, fast-food meals are required to contain not stick-sized cholesterol dispensers or nuggets wrapped in other nuggets, but an outlandish, big-government array of side items such as “fruits,” “vegetables” and “drinks that are not Mountain Dew,” so yeah, citizens of San Francisco, maybe you can figure out a way to get your kids to school in the morning without a 20-oz. bottle of Dew and a three Frosted Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts, but I haven’t, peace trainers. (The majority vote, it should be noted, is veto-proof, at least until something Rand Paul does.)
Related, sort of
- KFC Double Down Sandwich: “Suck it, National Obesity Epidemic”
- Fast Franks: For when you just don’t have time for the full, immersive hot dog experience
San Franciscans, needless to say, are overjoyed with the ruling, though their joy is tempered at the knowledge of the unabridged horrors that will come at them from Washington for the next two years. McDonald’s spokespeople are less enthused, making the cogent argument that meals taste 65-75% worse if they don’t arrive with a miniature skateboard with STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS emblazoned on it.
But those of us here in Real America know there is only one outcome to this: an illicit nationwide Happy Meal underground. When you criminalize the Hamburglar, only the Hamburglar will be a OK you know what I think this metaphor is falling apart, but you see where I’m going with this. It will create a nationwide thug/gangster class that will make Mexico City look like iCarly’s apartment.
I mean, people are already stocking up on the just-rereleased McRib, and by “people” I mean “My friend Aaron, who has been known to drive hours through northwest Indiana to obtain one, although we’ve told him that he could achieve the same net effect if he just sat down on the couch and let us punch him in the heart.” Just think about how much better the McRib would taste if it came with a Bakugan.