Under no circumstances should you vote in the midterms

This is among Google's top Image Search matches for "Paladino." Tragically, Carl Paladino actually looks like the guy below.

GateHouse — Two years ago Barack Obama soared to victory on an unprecedented wave of unity and a promise to bring together a nation torn by years of war, goalless partisanship and the erosion of American power, and that all went really badly, because it was a terrible idea that never had the remotest chance of working.

Good news, though: Because there are elections like every 20 days, we’re just a tantalizing few weeks from the midterms, which will solve all your problems, or at least they would if they weren’t being contested by terrible ogre-people who have made this easily the most appalling election ever. But don’t take it from me:

  • Funny story: Turns out ashen porno fiend and Tea Party-approved New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who has basically spent the last two years e-mailing pornographic and/or racist emails to his MySpace friends and who insisted that that kids shouldn’t be “brainwashed” into not making fun of gay people, rented part of his sprawling real estate empire to gay bars where gay people hang out and brainwash each other. But I’m sure that’s nothing. I mean, it’s not like militant ultra-conservative anti-gay crusaders are ever found to be hiding anything.

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  • If you live in Nevada — and if you’re smart you’re packing instead of finishing this paragraph — your choices for Senate are unlikable Senate majority leader Harry Reid, who has served since 1856, and legendary fungus-brain Sharron Angle, who told a rally of panting Tea Party supporters that “Muslims (want) to take over the United States” and that the towns of Dearborn, Mich., and Frankford, Tex., were currently governed under Islamic law, or Sharia, which was particularly news to the people of Frankford, Tex., because the town DOES NOT EXIST, since Dallas annexed it in 1975. In Angle’s defense, there is a church and a cemetery there, AND THEY ARE BOTH CONTROLLED BY TERRORISTS, POSSIBLY.• Pointless South Carolina Democratic Senate candidate Alvin Greene, who has literally not moved his mouth since advising the state to stimulate economic recovery by making action figures of him, is facing off against Tea Party soulmate Jim DeMint, who announced in early October that he would block all Senate legislation, all of it, when he discovered that writing and enacting laws involved like all these other people. Also, Greene has a felony charge.
  • Not that I’m advocating living in West Virginia, but John Raese, West Virginia Republican Senate candidate, should he win, would be facing an inconvenient commute from Palm Beach, Fla., where he lives in a $2.9 million mansion, which has a pink marble driveway and probably makes Carl Paladino pretty nervous. (Raese, true story, has said publicly tat it’s “peach-colored tile” and he didn’t even PICK IT HIMSELF. Do you hear that, West Virginia, stop making fun of your carpetbagging candidate’s Barbie-ish Florida driveway his contractor selected.)
  • Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes got himself one of the planet’s bestset-ever campaign violation fines for claiming mileage reimbursements of more than $40,000, meaning essentially that Maes either drives a stealth fighter or takes semi-frequent road trips to Neptune.
  • Let us not forget Arizona, a nice state full of fine people and countless acres of headless-corpse-filled desert according to Gov. Jan Brewer, who failed to locate a single one, explain why they got there, explain why she brought up the headless corpses and once left a debate to the shouts of reporters screaming questions about the headless corpses. They shouted these questions instead of questions about unemployment or economic stability or job creation, partly because Democrats are flailing and Republicans have no ideas at all, so regardless of which Fresh Wave Of Whatever gets blown in this November things will remain impenetrably, hopelessly awful, and I am planning to avoid as much of it as possibly by moving immediately to Frankford, Tex.

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(probably don’t so much watch this real loud at the work)

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

4 responses to “Under no circumstances should you vote in the midterms

  • Jeremy Irving

    Well said, brother! Well said.

    Like

  • Mindy

    If I weren’t so terrified they’d all get elected, I’d laugh a lot louder.

    Like

  • Scott

    Let me preface this next comment by saying, obviously Vrabel you are a very knowledgeable person, so ignorance cannot be your defense.

    You are a stupid political hack.

    “Good news, though: Because there are elections like every 20 days, we’re just a tantalizing few weeks from the midterms, which will solve all your problems,”

    Yes we know Obama has been undoing the ogreous policies of the Bush administration, stopping torture, restoring habeas corpus, stopping the policy that would allow the assassination of a U.S citizen. What that last one is an original Obama policy? Well there has to be due process right? This has to go before a judge, there must be a case made, evidence weighed and verified, some sort of check and balance!!!! NO!? If all of this is true, Jeff Vrabel is on it, with is usually wit and savvy. Sadly that would be a no too.

    But we all cheered when Pelosi said we were going to “drain the swamp” root out all corruption. Rangel is going to step down, eh no. Well there is Barney Frank, there is no one more responsible in this election for the housing bubble and leading to the financial meltdown than Barney Frank… Lead the way Jeff; again.. NOTHING.

    So as you make fun of people standing behind ridiculous candidates, take a look in the mirror, you are one of them.

    Like

  • Jeff Vrabel

    Scott,

    Guilty as charged on most of those counts, including being knowledgable, and also a stupid political hack. But, in my defense, my point with this column was my point with all columns: everybody sucks, and hope is lost.

    For the record, of the 40,000 ethics charges against Rangel, to be totally fair, no more than three of those have to be trumped-up.

    Thanks for reading – J.

    Like

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