Christine O’Donnell: What’s a nice lady like you doing on a midnight satanic altar like this?

I'm thinking Hufflepuff.

GateHouse — Say what you will about the Tea Party — that it’s a fringe, easily unhinged cluster of elderly Caucasians with an abundance of blog-commenting time and a deep need to have their personal beliefs endorsed by them by their televisions; or that it’s a bona fide, quickly growing grassroots force filled with fringe, easily unhinged elderly Caucasians with an abundance of blog-commenting time and a deep need to have their personal beliefs endorsed by them by their televisions.

Either way, here in the black, mucilaginous heart of Midterm Election/Football Season, when American voters rise up EN MASSE to voice their rage at the State Of Our Country and nearly 11% of them go out to actually vote about it, there appears to be equal reason for Democrats and Republicans to be shaking in the boots which were purchased for them by anonymous political action committees.

Democrats have reason to be concerned because the party in power, as a rule, gets its clock cleaned in midterms, but also because as usual they suck. Republicans, on the other hand, are enjoying the equivalent of realizing that the kids at the Thanksgiving table are starting to find the increasingly slurry jokes about sex and racism being produced by their increasingly PBRed-up step-uncle really pretty funny.

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This means that socially moderate, fiscally conservative, employed Republicans with families and vans who have 401(k)s and speak in occasionally complicated non-slogans — and come on, much like fairies and hobbits I BELIEVE YOU EXIST — must now choose between Maintaining the Establishment, i.e. the traditional bunch of crackle-faced and occasionally orange Career Politicians who got everyone into this mess, or a group of people who for months neglected to feel the need to address being called “teabaggers.” Frankly, Democrats will have a much easier go of it in November, as all they have to do is continue being terrible in the manner to which we’ve all become accustomed.

It’s probably here that I should bring up the dark lord Satan. Turns out that in in Delaware, which I always sort of thought of as more of a large Town Center anchored maybe by a Penney’s outlet, there is a woman named Christine O’Donnell who in the Republican primary beat the (insert some of Delaware reference here, I sure don’t know of any), out of a Career Politician named Mike Castle, which was HUGE NEWS IN DELAWARE because frankly it’s not exactly Rio up in that place but also because Castle had been the Republican senator from Delaware since 1842, when Delaware was first colonized by the, um, Swedish? Seriously, who lives in Delaware. This paragraph is dying for some timely Delaware references. HELP ME, READERS IN DELAWARE.

Anyway, here are some things to know about Christine O’Donnell: she’s a young candidate with backing by Sarah Palin, obvs. She has come out strongly against masturbation, according to a mid-90s video clip of the exact sort that you DON’T SHOOT IF YOU’RE EVER PLANNING TO RUN FOR ANYTHING IN DELAWARE. She is loathed by high-ranking Volturi in the GOP Establishment, including Karl Rove, which makes me shocked she’s allowed to leave the living room, much less appear where there are microphones and electricity. Oh, and in 1999 she said on Bill Maher’s show, “I dabbled into witchcraft. I never joined a coven … One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it.”

This brings up a number of good questions, including:

  1. And I thought I dated some witches HEY O AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?
  2. Either there far more severed goat heads and pentagrams and Danzig CDs lying around Delaware than I thought, or O’Donnell went to the lamest satanic altar in all of, whatever, Dover.
  3. If many of my dates were on satanic altars, I’d probably be against masturbation too.
  4. Let’s just, for a moment, assume that word leaked that at some point in the past 40 years President Obama had some sort of vague, long-forgotten, probably drastically overexaggerated thin wisp of a connection to witchcraft. If whatever percentage of the nation’s illiterate idiots still think this guy’s a Muslim, can you even BEGIN TO IMAGINE the misspelled placards that would start turning up in Alabama yards? NO, YOU CANNOT. Twenty bucks says half of them would say “which.”

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Ha! People used to think this was satanic. This is like $49-in-the-production-budget worth of satanic.

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Now, I’m not saying that it’s fair to revive long-lost sound bites regarding witchcraft and masturbation brought forth to the nation’s attention at the expense of legitimate, thoughtful discussion about policy or whatever, but life can be unfair, and the ball often doesn’t fall right on your roulette wheel, which appears to be the Tea Party’s major beef with everything; it’s a bunch of non-masturbating witches whining, “But what about ME?” On the plus side, if anyone can simply fix it with magic, we found her.

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

4 responses to “Christine O’Donnell: What’s a nice lady like you doing on a midnight satanic altar like this?

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