GateHouse — The legitimacy of global warming is still being debated in some quarters, mostly quarters containing people currently hand-painting signs with the words “Obama” and “Maoist” on them, at least two of which are misspelled, but if there’s anything we can all agree on from last week’s World People’s Conference on Climate Change and the Rights of Mother Earth (yes that is its actual title, because organizers ran out of time before they could think of something more wankery), it’s that processed chicken is making everybody bald and gay, in that order. Or maybe the opposite order. Either way, hopefully it’s a gradual process, because that’s a lot to deal with in one day.
Regular readers — and hello again to some cousins, whoever the new Facebook is giving all my personal information to and the 325 pornbots now following me on Twitter — will note that this is in flagrant defiance of the point I made here last week, which was that “Glee” was the thing gayening everybody up, as a major component of the leftapaganda globasocialist conspirawashing and basically a gateway into whatever school you attend in order to become a mullah (I think it’s Fairleigh Dickinson).
But in my defense, I wrote that both after the Madonna-song episode and before reading a speech by Bolivian president Evo Morales, the leftist leader and aspiring comedian who is currently pictured wearing a hat that resembles a Scrabble board and luxurious lei-type accoutrements which appear to be missing only their JIMMY BUFFETT VIP lanyard. (I would make continued hilarious comedy about his Scrabble hat if I could stop trying to think of a 5-letter word that ends in B and involves the Triple Word Score on the left back corner sorry I get a little OCD with the Scrabble it’s hard to stop how many points do you think you could get for “lanyard?”)
Last week Morales, as part of his last-ever invitation to speak at a climate change conference, took the opportunity to make a couple of slightly off-topic points:
- Capitalism is dumb.
- Chicken and Coke are responsible for all of the baldness and homosexuality in the West. (They are also responsible for Zaxby’s value meals, but that’s for another conference.)
To be fair, I should clarify: It’s not the chicken itself that makes you gay, because obviously if that was the case the Colonel would have way better shoes; rather, it is the fault of the nefarious and hairless chemicals that go into the chicken.
“The chicken that we eat is chock full of feminine hormones. So, when men eat these chickens, they deviate from themselves as men,” Morales told the crowd of 20,000, thus breaking the world record for Most Number Of People Nervously Laughing At A Climate Change Conference (set in 2006 when Bono knocked a bowl of French onion soup onto his cape) and creating the most awkward moment by a sitting Bolivian president since Victor Paz Estenssoro, in a speech to his staff in summer of 1952, abundantly wet himself.
“Baldness, which seems normal, is a sickness in Europe,” Morales said. “Almost everyone is bald. And that’s because of what they eat.” To make his point Morales — this part is not a joke — pointed to his own luxurious mane. I’d make a mean-spirited gag here, but his hair is pretty awesome, and I’m afraid it would search me out.
Related, sort of
- KFC makes Indiana finger-lickin’ good, or, I hate the Colonel with his wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhh!”
- KFC’s Double Down Sandwich: “Suck it, National Obesity Epidemic”
Morales and his amazing hair went on to paint Coca-Cola as a “symbol of capitalism” and said that “mankind is facing the choice of either continuing along the path of capitalism and death or to take the path of harmony with nature and respect for life so as to save mankind,” which broke the world record for Most Number of Times The Word “Mankind” Was Used In A Rant At A Climate Change Conference, (set in 1998 by keynote speaker Mick Foley).
All of this, of course, makes perfect sense, and certainly explains the unusually high level of barbecue sauce sales in the gay community. But I am nothing if not a scientific enthusiast, and by that I mean I got a B+ in advanced chemistry in 1993, so I propose a deal to Morales: if female hormones are sapping the straight out of everybody, how about you locate some male chicken hormones (they’re on sale this week at Linens N’ Things) and feed them to a real live gay person; if your theory works, within months he’ll be straight as an arrow and look like Javier Bardem in “No Country.” If it doesn’t work, I get your Scrabble hat.