GateHouse — At the risk of alienating the entire Internet, I confess to having never watched “Glee,” mostly because I can save ridiculous amounts of coffee-absorption time by either briefly glancing at the Internet sometime during the 24 hours after a new episode airs or eavesdropping on the cubicle two rows over, whose members boast a shocking brainfold-capacity for retaining and reanimating verbatim TV quotes. By completing these two activities last week, here is basically the sum of what I know about “Glee”:
- There is someone named Sue Sylvester, who is the Internet’s most active quote-production appliance since the Insane Clown Posse’s “Miracles,” which, if you haven’t seen it, will reduce to you a blubbering weep-machine on the floor of your apartment, or, more accurately if you are an Insane Clown Posse fan, your Mom’s 1989 Ford minivan which does not start.
- There’s a Mr. Chu, or maybe a Mr. Wong? Or something? I don’t remember, and I’d look it up but my Twitter window is all the way over there.
- After airing, fans of “Glee” retire immediately to their portable computing devices and begin transcribing as many quotes as possible before falling asleep sitting up with one hand stuck in a bottle of energy-rich chocolate-covered coffee beans.
“Glee” is, by most accounts, a high-school comedy/drama about nerd-leaning outcasts with propensities to burst out into regular production numbers, mostly to songs you would most often encounter at a dentist’s office, and by that logic I’d think I’d be all over it, since that’s basically what my friends and I did in high school, except we did it exclusively to Firehouse and C&C Music Factory songs (these were truly performances that made you go hmm). I’ve not seen the show, as I say, but it seems to be fantastically popular, and serves as even more proof that watering songs down to club-soda flavorlessness and having them lip-synced by unspoilt-looking teenagers is and will continue to be the most reliably successful music marketing plan in the history of the universe, which reminds me does anyone need two tickets to the Green Day “American Idiot” musical?
But if I was going to watch it before, I’m absolutely not now, because as much as I love a cappella music, I love America probably like three times as much.
Because “Glee” is apparently not just a quirky, sweet dose of musicology populated by occasional AC/DC songs and wait, really, AC/DC songs? That’s kind of awesome. Anyway, it turns out it’s not a TV show at all, but a leftist Hollywood scorchingly gay fascist recyclable-bags-at-the-grocery-store whale-baiting brainwash party designed to turn your children and their Freedom into an army of 12-year-old Maoist a cappella Kelly Clarkson fans, which, incidentally, is a nearly impossible demographic to create a decent-looking uniform for.
Indeed, last week’s return of “Glee” caused the right-wing blogomoteanuttosphere to dial up the paranoiamaker, which is nearly impossible to do, as they’re generally defined by their thoughtful, near-professorial approach to things. But yet here is “Glee” as considered by crazy person John Nolte: “’Glee’ is millions of dollars of sound and fury aimed squarely at your children. And as we can now see, the creators are all about getting between you and your kids with their political and social agendas.”
Indeed, “Glee” is apparently in the conservative crosshairs-but-not-the-threatened-gun-violence-kind-of-crosshairs-just-the-subtle-metaphorical-ones for doing things like trying to “normalize teen homosexuality,” which, as you’ll remember, was created by television in 1993.
These particular columns were written, I am pretty sure, in response to a joke the show made about Sarah Palin (it made the novel and heretofore unheard-of comic assertion that she was not smart enough to govern, had she stuck around long enough to finish doing it), who, having been sent directly from Heaven on a winged unicorn chariot, is eligible for federal protection from being made fun of, which I would personally not do anyway, because she’s usually so nice. But here’s more Nolte: “(Liberals) know Palin is a growing political force and nothing’s off the table when it comes to marginalizing her — even at the expense of their own show’s entertainment value — even at the expense of audience share.”
Yes! The harmonic fascism of “Glee” has been so damaging that its ratings have plummeted to their highest-ever levels; the Palin joke in last Tuesday’s episode caused it to draw a pathetic record 13.7 million viewers and an embarrassing highest rating in the 18-49 demographic for any show this year except the “Undercover Boss” that came on after the Super Bowl. In recent weeks, the cast has been similarly buried in anonymity, appearing only on the cover of plucky startup Rolling Stone and participating in just one invited tour of the White House.
But whatever. I’m still sticking with my boycott of the show, and of its network, Fox, which is usually a warm and comfortable respite from the scary world outside, when it’s not airing raging gaypaganda like “Glee.” I will, however, be keeping my AC/DC music. For America.