GateHouse — Good news for extremely fat dogs, people with several hundred thousand dollars of cash left over in the pharmaceutical funds, or those who are just plain tired of being able to overmedicate only themselves and their children.
Recently, the Federal Government, during an uncharacteristic break from acting like Hulk-eyed lunatics on TV news programs, managed to approve the first-ever drug aimed at curbing the fast-expanding epidemic of overweight dogs. The drug is called Slentrol, or, if you’re a dog, Arf.
“This is a welcome addition to animal therapies, because dog obesity appears to be increasing,” said Stephen Sundlof, director of the Center for Veterinary Medicine at the FDA, articulating what’s really the only remaining problem facing the nation. (Seriously, we get this under control and get that fourth “Twilight” movie made and it’s a quick summer sail to Sunshine Margaritatown.)
According to the AP’s Fat Dog reporter, a dog is obese if it weighs 20 percent more than its ideal weight or is owned by Dennis Hastert (look it up — I don’t write these rules). That’s over three million dogs in the U.S. alone. Moreover, an additional 20 to 30 percent of American canines are considered merely overweight, but let’s try to keep that quiet, because it will make them seriously depressed and they won’t be able to drink out of the toilet for like days.
Slentrol is administered by grabbing the dog around the neck in a headlock position, wrestling its mouth open with your straining hands and then hoping you get the pill down in there sometime in the first ten to four thousand tries. The drug works by, I don’t know, rejiggering the dog’s DNA or something (what am I, NASA in here) to reduce the amount of fat a dog can absorb, which is, of course, a much more cost-effective and convenient solution than not letting the dog absorb the fat in the first place. It also apparently results in a feeling of “fullness” in the animal, although the data may be skewed, because it’s basically impossible to get these dogs to answer these questions seriously; mostly they just sit there staring at the questionairre with this ridiculous blank look on their faces.
What could possibly be the downside to all this, you might be asking as you step over your sweating, macabre tub of mutt on the way to your credit card? Well, there are a handful of side effects, which include loss of appetite, lethargy, vomiting and – wait for it! – the potential for a delightful shower of what the drugmakers call “loose stools.” If there is anyone out there who is against the idea of introducing many months’ worth of loose animal stools into your living room, e-mail me, hippie.
To wrap this all up, the FDA takes pains to assure you that Slentrol is NOT FOR USE IN HUMANS, even Snoop. Rather, humans, to lose weight, will pitifully be forced to resort to some combination of regular exercise and reduced calorie intake to lose weight. The FDA also, incidentally, advises you not to eat dog food. It also discourages you from cracking yourself in the head with the sharp part of a hammer. It also suggests you should probably steer clear of immersing yourself ever in a hot tub full of aged sour cream. But it does encourage you to grab some drugs and begin enjoying your thin and lethargic pup immediately, hopefully in a room that can be eventually hosed down.
humor column, funny stories, humor essay