“Avatar” is THE FUTURE OF MOVIES, and not at all lanky Smurf unicorns fighting in space or anything

GateHouse — While watching both football and the Chicago Bears last weekend, and thus absorbing the traditional Sunday diet of commercials for drugs regarding sex and going to the bathroom and objects that Howie Long is yearning to sell me (which is all of them), I was made aware of the shocking development that movies are about to be changed forever, this coming Friday.
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Now, this was very startling news to me, not just because of my having to call everyone to tell them to begin the process of adjusting everything they know about movies (“Like do you know how they have montages and Sandra Bullock and talking chipmunks? YEAH THAT IS ALL OVER NOW, SALLY”) , but because I had to start watching all those old movies, before The Change occurred and I couldn’t do it anymore. So needless to say, I’ve spent literally every moment of the last week drowning myself in caffeine, energy drinks and Mountain Dew-soaked sugar cubes like a Tiger Woods paparazzi stalker to stay awake watching as many films as possible, so I can try to hold on to my fragile, wispy memory of what movies were like before they were changed, forever, this coming Friday.
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For the record, movies are going to be changed by, perplexingly enough, a movie. It will be called “Avatar,” and according to the rotating flotilla of commercials on the television it is the FUTURE OF CINEMA, insofar as you define FUTURE OF CINEMA to be seemingly two hours of blue Smurf unicorns battling with explosions and spaceships and attractive people in aviator glasses. Actually, it’s James Cameron directing, so make that seven hours.
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Indeed, “Avatar” is directed by Cameron, who made a movie for 14-year-old girls in 1997, subsequently made an ass out of himself on an awards program and has not been heard from since. According to published reports on the future of cinema, he is familiar and comfortable not just with advertising hyperbole that could scorch grass, but being all spendy as well: the cost of “Avatar” has been estimated to be in the ballpark of $500 million, which is a figure that will make the tongues of grown men roll out of their mouths like Elmer Fudd beholding Bugs in a summer dress and lipstick.
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You might be rightly wondering why a movie in which everyone is played by an iMac and doesn’t require a 30,000-strong troop surge could REMOTELY cost $500 million, but that is because you are unrevolutionary, and spend your money on things that are stupid, like shoes and food. Which is why I will tell you three reasons why “Avatar” is revolutionary:
  1. It depicts CGI battles in space, which have never once been attempted in cinema. And not just battles in space, but insanely complicated, unprocessably chaotic CGI battles in space, each valuable inch of the screen filled with explodering spacecraft, to ensure that at no point during the proceedings do you have the remotest idea who is zapping who and why (hint: everything is the fault of the midichlorians).
  2. It depicts full-CGI characters, which are always awesome. In fact, just last week I was having a discussion at work about which CGI characters made their respective movies more wonderful: Jar Jar Binks, Garfield or all the undead plastic meth-eyed children in the “The Polar Express.” Garfield won, which was weird.
  3. It is being screened in 3D, which is a novel and unheard-of cinematic feat that has only been attempted in the past by “The Polar Express,” “Monsters vs. Aliens” and every movie that came out between 1951-1956. It also means wearing silly glasses.
I make the jokes about the space movies, but I am a silly nitwit, because these movies will go forever until the glorious day that technology reaches a point that fireball-happy directors can finally forever do away with bothersome human actors, with their “food needs” and “script suggestions and opinions,” such as “You can type this (stuff), George, but you can’t say it” and “Ever since it became possible for 85% of California’s vertically-hair-structured Mac addicts to make the special effects, space movies aren’t a very big deal anymore.” At this point other people will have movies with actors doing things written by someone else, which will be revolutionary.

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

3 responses to ““Avatar” is THE FUTURE OF MOVIES, and not at all lanky Smurf unicorns fighting in space or anything

  • Mindy

    I am not going to lie, I will see this movie but this line on twitter…

    “and not at all lanky Smurf unicorns fighting in space or anything”

    made me laugh right out loud!!!

    Like

  • Mom

    I want Star Wars back.

    Like

  • JizzTacular

    When will porn be 3D as in Tripple D’s, Deez Nutz and Sunny D poured all over this hot body? Too many puns, but Avatar, really, the name is Avatar, the first thing I think of, is my Yahoo Email constantly asking me to choose an Avatar. Maybe I’ll choose a still from Avatar, as if they need the promotion, I think they have hired every actor that goes on T.V. to say something about it, luckily, I don’t let The Hanson Brothers guide my decisions, other than when to Mmmmm Bop, which is almost never, except for that special night night time dance I do.

    Like

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