Barack Obama hates Charlie Brown, America, your mom, says Russell Wiseman, Guy On The Internet, so let’s all listen up

Tree ruined by The Media.

Tree ruined by The Media.

GateHouse — IMPORTANT CARTOON-AND-BLACK PRESIDENT ALERT: In addition to being a Muslim Kenyan chain-smoking Bolshevik Hitler-loving child-indoctrinating reality-TV-contestant-inviting Will.I.Am fan, Barack Obama hates Charlie Brown. This is actually no great shakes because most of the “Peanuts” kids hate Charlie Brown, but Obama hates Charlie Brown in a way that efficiently connotes his hatred of America as well. (If America wanted to kick the football Obama would be all like, “Whiff, suckers,” and then throw mayonaise on the Little Red-Haired Girl.)

And I have proof, because of Facebook, and Tennessee, in that order.

Last week’s airing of “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” the special that’s been beloved for decades despite being about 25 solid minutes of the emotional abuse of a child, was pre-empted on the television machine by Herr President Omuslim’s speech about his strategy for the war in Afghanistan, or some such nonsense you could read about on the crawl under the Tiger-sexting stuff anyway.

Socialists wouldn’t blink a red eye at this transgression, but it COMPLETELY CHEESED OFF the mayor of Arlington, Tenn., a Very Real American named Russell Wiseman, who looks in his mug shot as though he is desperate to sell you a Toyota this very instant. Wiseman wrote on his Facebook page, which has 1,600 friends, the following, which I am quoting directly so as to preserve his deliciously roguish twist on spelling and grammar: “Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load…..try to convince me that wasn’t done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation about it….w…hen the answer should simply be ‘yes’….”

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http://bit.ly/4GzyS5

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As Charlie Brown or Jesus might say, “AAUGH!! I cannot recall w… hen I’ve ever seen a rant like this about Charlie Brown before, not counting that time I got into a fight at the library with Charles Schulz — HE knew why. (Alternate joke: Do you have the persistent and abnormal fear of anything new? Then you have neophobia.)

Now, to the untrained eye this may sound like the sort of weird unhinged badger rabble you’d hear from a quivering ideologue who may or may not be high on tooth whitener; certainly it doesn’t hold up to the high standards we’ve come to expect from the Facebook posts of our small-town Southern mayors.

But allow me to convince Mayor Wiseman this wasn’t done on purpose: Why, sir, would Obama bother nefariously manipulating an overfamiliar 40-year prime-time cartoon program when he could be using that time to record Communist monologues for second-grade lunch hours? Way. Less. Time-efficient. Also, nobody watches ABC, no matter what religion is on it.

As you might suspect, and in really good news for us comedy fans, Wiseman wasn’t done; his thread included more lengthy and poorly capitalized rants against other people, all of which sure to make Jesus super-proud, such as, “…you obama people need to move to a muslim country…oh wait, that’s America….pitiful.”

And that’s pretty much where Wiseman left it. Yep. Right there. Didn’t say much else about it. Erm except for this one little thing about the black people: “you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different……..”

Now, this sort of turned into a thing on the liberally biased Internet, where Facebook lives, where people can evidently read things that you post to the Internet, which is a point that apparently requires near-constant reiteration to people who post things on the Internet. But Wiseman, the decider, returned to Facebook to use the occasion of his straight-up busting to — and you are going to totally need to sit down for this — blame The Media(TM), which managed to budget a little time off from being super-mean to Sarah Palin to write about his Wall Post. “It’s ridiculous for someone to send my Facebook post…You guys are trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.”

A fair point. Unhinged Facebook ranting is very much a molehill. Especially when you see what we have in store for “Rudolph” night.

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

One response to “Barack Obama hates Charlie Brown, America, your mom, says Russell Wiseman, Guy On The Internet, so let’s all listen up

  • Holly Meredith Johnson

    omg i am the person Russell was talking to! I thought I was the only one to stand his offensive remarks. I got off fb b/c he pissed me off….I had no idea this was brewing.

    Like

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