Attention, The Moon: Your days are numbered, jerk.


Look at The Moon, being all smug.

GateHouse — Well, everything seems under control down here: What’shisname, the dingus politician, is off “Dancing with the Stars” because of a deviated coccyx or whatever; Jon and Kate have been quietly locked away and are, with any luck, currently being tortured; health care reform is pretty much done, except for the details about excluding the very short. There’s only one thing to do when things have reached such a state of calm, measured stability here on Earth: destroy the moon, immediately.

Luckily, NASA’s with me on this excellent plan, though they have been resistant to some of my awesome other ideas, such as the Scaffold to Jupiter and the Space Crocodile and the Buzz Aldrin Memorial Floating KFC, which was scuttled when I couldn’t secure funding from KFC and it was also revealed that Buzz Aldrin was not dead. Last Friday morning, the organization, which once actually got a bunch of federal dollars to do this kind of space stuff, catapulted a spacecraft named LCROSS into the moon’s South Pole, to kill off all of its remaining penguins.


Ha! Just kidding. The idea was actually to kick up a six-mile high cloud of rock and dust which scientists could examine for hints of splashed-up water particles lurking just beneath the lunar surface (though the impact didn’t result in the massive, cool-looking impact folks were looking for). NASA, of course, assures us that this will not result in anything like, and I’m just throwing ideas out here, giant boulders and massive ice daggers raining down on Earth, but you folks in the northern states may want to put on the winter tires, because Safety First.

Now, this was a very cool story and would be fully believable if you were NINE YEARS OLD, but in reality, there are only a scant few legitimate reasons one would want to blow up the moon.

  1. To divert the asteroid that is coming to kill us all, a tactic which has seen proven success in many of our very worst movies.
  2. To convince princesses to reveal the location of the secret rebel base.
  3. Because Obama’s a Nazi (Sorry. Just beating the teabaggers to this one. All others please read on.)
  4. To kick up a giant cloud of dust to see if it has water in it, which, erm, sort of makes a lot of sense, actually.

Indeed, I am fully supportive of these sorts of “space treks,” because they serve to connect me, sitting in my little light-brown cubicle reading about mortgage rates and furniture sales and traffic, to a sense, however fleeting, of grandiose wonder, of discovery, or plunging into unexplored blackness and kicking up a little dust. Space, and I’m sure we’ll find a way around to ruin this in the coming decades, remains cool; there is not a freedom-loving red-blooded American (although I’m not sure about you purple-blooded commies) who can’t find you get even a minor shiver of thrill thinking about being on one of those rockets that’s sent up to, uh, explore the effects of weightlessness on popcorn or whatever they’re doing now. Seriously, NASA needs money.

So yes yes, I’m being hyperbolic: No one is proposing that NASA wants to blow up the moon, except Glenn Beck, probably, for some stupid reason, only to do a little interstellar demolition in the name of science, and because, frankly, sending giant exploding objects into the moon fits every conceivable definition of awesome. Seriously, when you think of it that way, it’s not rocket science.


About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

One response to “Attention, The Moon: Your days are numbered, jerk.

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