3:53 p.m: Whoa, what the hell?
3:54 p.m.: No, what the hell?
3:55 p.m.: WHAT THE FLIPPING HELL?
3:57 p.m.: Is this just me?
3:58 p.m.: Wait, is this my fault? I did download the Avett Brothers leak this morning. Or was that a virus? Did the Avett Brothers foul up my Mac? Can the IT department see that? Where’s my passport? Is my resume updated? OH GOD, IT’S IN MY GMAIL.
3:59 p.m.: Oh thank goodness, it’s not just me, it’s everybody. Wait, IT’S EVERYBODY! GMAIL IS DOWN. CRIMINY ON A SALTINE CRACKER, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
4:00 p.m.: Sweet raisin danish, IS TWITTER OK? FACEBOOK! TALK TO ME, FACEBOOK!
4:01 p.m.: Hotmail Hotmail Hotmail set up account set up account LOAD, DAMN YOU, LOAD
4:02 p.m.: OK, breathe in. No panicking. You can do this. Stare out the window. Doodle some pictures of Marvel/Disney character hybrids you can post IF YOUR SWEET BLESSED E-MAIL EVER COMES BACK TO YOU OH GOD GMAIL I’M SORRY I SAID YOUR CONNECTION CAN BE OCCASIONALLY TENUOUS I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN PLEASE TAKE ME BACK BABY BABY PLEASE.
4:03 p.m.: Saints be praised, Twitter appears unhurt. Actually, the last 300 tweets are all some variation of “Gmail is down,” so Twitter actually appears unhurt and repetitious. This is already a trending topic? Y’all are some efficient nerds.
4:05 p.m.: Whoa. There’s a dude who sits next to me. Has he been there this whole time?
4:06 p.m.: He’s been there this whole time. Or at least the past three years. I’ll be damned.
4:08 p.m.: We share interests! I should totally follow this guy on Twitter.
4:13 p.m.: We’re drafting potential return-to-service announcements from Google: “When we come back online, everything will be exactly as it was, except that we’ve taken your credit card numbers of course.”
4:15 p.m.: I have pencils?
4:19 p.m.: Look at all these other people in this room! There must be 20 of them! Fascinating.
4:31 p.m.: IS THIS STILL HAPPENING? Maintaining 30 minutes of face-to-face personal interaction is making me exhausted and moody. Think I’ll go search Gmail in Google to make sure Gmail is still down.
4:32 p.m.: It’s still down.
4: 44 p.m.: Literally, me and this mysterious “cubicle-mate person” are using the occasion of a brief Gmail outage to reminisce about the sorry, somber state of the Internet in the Olden Days, when all was keywords and every time someone called in on your phone, it completely botched whatever you were downloading on Napster. I used to set up like 10 songs to download on Napster, go to a Cubs game, and come back home hoping nobody called. We are doing this as though the Internet circa 2000 was mostly cave paintings and flint. This is hilarious.
4:53 p.m.: Well, this is Obamacare for you.
4:55 p.m.: This is a perfect concentric circle I’ve just drawn. Magnificent. Somebody kill me.
4:58 p.m.: Never did have this problem with CompuServe. Just saying.
5:06 p.m.: Should probably prepare for two weeks of Yahoo Mail users not shutting up.
5:12 p.m.: Not holding my breath for that Google Voice invite to come through today.
5:15 p.m.: Dogs and cats, now living together.
5:19 p.m.: Well, we’ve waited as long as we can. It’s time to start eating each other.
5:36 p.m.: Dear great-great-grandson Vrabel: By the time you read this, I’ll be long dead. Know that we here all did what we could for your generation. Well, everyone except Glenn Beck.
5:37 p.m.: Wait, hold everything, I … I think … yes! An online coupon for Banana Republic! I AM SAVED. Now let us never speak of this again.