Sam Brownback’s Animal-Human Hybrid Theory, or, A Senate Where Apes Evolved From Man?

Not the Little Mermaid, on purpose

Not the Little Mermaid, on purpose

GateHouse — Lest you worry that the only important work being done in Washington, D.C., last week involved a fellowship of Play-Doh-faced white guys from a panicking party fading faster than Marty McFly’s picture in the first “Back to the Future” spending four days asking Sonia Sotomayor if she was racist…

(fade in)

Lindsey Graham: Are you a racist?

Sotomayor: No, sir.

Graham (looking up from addressing a Thinking Of You card to Mark Sanford, in calligraphy): What about now? Are you a racist now?

Sotomayor: No, sir.

Graham (crossing “Be mad at John Ensign” off things to do list): Judge, others have said you have a temperament problem, and do you YOU’RE A RACIST AREN’T YOU SAY IT ADMIT IT FOR I AM LINDSEY GRAHAM, MASTER OF OCCLUMENCY!

(we fade to black)

… then I have good news, unless you are a centaur, in which case you are totally screwed, especially the horse part of you. Because last week, Republican Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas and the dark side of Neptune and 2008 presidential candidate for exactly 24 minutes (less time than Fred Thompson, just in case you were worried that was impossible), introduced legislation banning the creation of terrifying-sounding ANIMAL-HUMAN HYBRIDS, such as mermaids, or Perez Hilton. “Creating human-animal hybrids, which permanently alter the genetic makeup of an organism, will challenge the very definition of what it means to be human and is a violation of human dignity and a grave injustice,” Brownback said, adding, “A PLANET WHERE APES EVOLVED FROM MAN?”

.

.

Treehouse_of_Horror_XIIIb

All outlawed

Needless to say this story has caused about 80 percent of political bloggers to lose their Red Bulled minds in near-hysteric glee, though nearly all of their joke-posts were decorated with an image of the Little Mermaid, which doesn’t do much to deny the obvious suspicion that people who spend their lives sitting in front of a computers would read “human-animal hybrid” and immediately think “hot shirtless teen mermaid” (a phrase which, incidentally, is going to send this column’s Google hits into FREAKING ORBIT).

But I suppose that beats thinking of the actual story, which includes quotes like this one, from Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.), the bill’s only Democratic co-sponsor: “Here in the United States, we simply cannot open the door to the unethical blending of humans and animals, which the British government seems intent on doing,” she said in previously announcing a similar bill. “It creates an unnatural species and is a clear line we cannot cross.”

First of all, great, thanks for getting snippy with the British before they finish filming the last Harry Potter movie; if it sucks, I will see to it personally that your dreams of becoming Queen of Louisiana are OVER. Second of all, having seen this political wave coming years ago, I have already made arrangements to keep my Man-potamus stored in the basement, where he can stay safely until the day I figure out how to get him up the stairs.

But mostly – what are you talking about? Unnatural species are THE MOST AWESOME KIND OF SPECIES. Without them, movies would be terrible, and mostly romantic comedies. Without werewolves, we wouldn’t have the cathartic basketball-game climax of “Teen Wolf,” to say nothing of Warren Zevon. Without vampires, we would have no “Twilight,” which would deprive most of the people I work with from talking about Robert Pattinson for hours, every day. With the possibility of baboon-heart transplants, we would see a precipitous drop in Christian Slater films. I would pretty much have to demand someone from the government show up at my house and spend a full afternoon explaining to my son what happened to Spider-Man, and why he keeps getting beaten up all the time now. And what of “Thriller?” SHOULD WE NOT HAVE ‘THRILLER,” SEN. BROWNBACK? Way to dance on Michael Jackson’s shiny golden coffin, dude.

I’m getting worked up about this, but I think it’s probably OK that this story, thanks to the awful Newz Media, is being irrevocably buried just because some insane woman who eats koala bear eggs and travels by magic is going to be a Supreme Court justice. Because when it comes down to it, legislation or not, it’s not like any of this is going to happen anyway. Frankly, once animals get wind of this, they’re not going to want anything to do with it.

***

Thanks to the cable nets last week to take a few thoughtful moments from using a battle ax to chop Walter Cronkite’s legacy into unidentifiable, crying bits to show fleeting video clips of the moon landing.

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

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