GateHouse — For the record, I really, really did not want to write about Michael Jackson this week, month, year or ever again, at least until the circus left town, until Al Sharpton calmed himself, until these vindictive self-immolating celebrity-whore magazines/TV shows/blogs/Web sites/Perez whatevs ran out of steam or juice or cigarettes or baby-unicorn blood or whatever they subsist on and attempted to get whatever they count as a good night’s sleep, which, if there is any such thing as karmic justice, involves 90 minutes of fitful, sweaty vampire-rest peppered by indistinguishably real nightmares in which their blogging hands are being gnawed off by wolf-eyed zombie alligators or Glenn Beck, or both.
I am under no illusions about the international reach of this column, but I hate writing about stories like this, because by the time I kill enough beer to reach writing mode, four million blogs and Twitters and balloon-headed cable news nitwits have already weighed in, and what is there left to say, anyway? “Thriller” was good, painkillers are addictive and death can turn you from a sheetrock-white presumed pedophile freakshow into the most beloved entertainer on planet Earth, at least for a few days, until the really weird stories start coming out, which brings me to this headline: “Psychics see magic in Michael Jackson’s life.” It is a testament to the power of Michael Jackson that a story about numerology, corpse-talking and his reincarnation — which will happen by 2029, obvs — is maybe like the sixth-weirdest thing to be written about him this week.
According to CNN, psychics are GOING CRAZY with this Michael Jackson thing. To wit, says CNN: “Jackson’s talent was discovered when he was 5 years old, he came to fame as a member of the Jackson 5 and he planned a series of 50 concert dates in London, England, as part of a comeback tour before he died on June 25 at the age of 50.” I will now pause for a moment to let you try to deal with the Creepy.
.For a numerologist named Glynis McCants, who according to the CNN picture runs a thriving numerology enterprise from her breakfast table (including a Web site at www.numberslady.com that serves as an evocative reminder of what the Internet looked like in 1997), this is a BIG DEAL. “Five is the number for drama, and it was in his life his whole life,” she said confusingly. (Five is also the number of Joe DiMaggio, Kevin Garnett, Maroon, Mambo, the “Short Circuit” robot and me in Little League, although no one from CNN called me for this story, thanks, jerks).
The numerology continues — and seriously, this part is going to be unbearable, and if you want to Choose Your Own Adventure-skip to the next graf I will totally understand — that his birthday of 8/29/1958 means he was in a “six life path” and born on a “two day” or some such unreadable nonsense. “If you are born on a two day and are a six life path then America and the world seem to fall in love with you,” McCants told CNN, which hopefully contains at least one editor who beat his or her head against a desk during the editing process.
(Other people with these two-day/six life-path stats, by the way, include Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Sarah Palin, the lesson being: DO NOT BE BORN ON A TWO-DAY AND HAVE A SIX LIFE PATH, because self-destructive party-sinking snowbilly punchline is like your best-case scenario).
Incidentally, this story goes on to say the following things: Jackson’s soul will return within the 20 next years because he was a perfectionist, and any credible psychic with even the slightest sliver of professionalism won’t attempt to contact the dead soul of Michael Jackson for at least six months to a year. After that, though, it’s GO TIME.
Bizarrely, though, this story contains – way at the bottom by the Career Builder ads – what may be the most telling quote I’ve come across in the sea of Jackson coverage, and it comes from Jack Rourke, a psychic consultant who has, and I’m quoting the story here, “worked extensively in paranormal research and consulted for major Hollywood studio”: “Even though we’ve never met Michael, people create a symbiotic relationship with this image or this person,” he said. “We project all of the positive aspects of ourselves, all of the wonderful things onto this image of perfection or near perfection that we see, and we imagine subconsciously that this person is in agreement with the deepest part of ourselves.”
Well put, Guy With A Fake Job. Also, it’s weird. Everyone, stop it.