I have to give a lot of credit to Super Bowl XLIII, it really executed the game of football tonight

Super Bowl XLIII FootballGateHouse — Random thoughts from Super Bowl XLIII, which are all I can muster at this late hour because “The Office” didn’t get over until like 11:45 p.m. because it’s crucial to hear Mike Tomlin, Ben Roethlisberger, Santonio Holmes and the winning franchise’s 225-year-old owner all report independently that their Super Bowl win was “unbelievable,” and also because apparently consuming up to 12 pounds of queso dip over a three-hour period causes in the human body a period of extremely awesome hallucinations, followed by the unmistakable sensation that someone has just punched you in the stomach with Cris Collinsworth:

• According to the ads, every company in America asked the marketing department to come up with something wacky and ironic and hip, and the only ad I can remotely remember is the guy who took the snow globe to the crotch. Now that, America, is what sells nacho chips, or tires, or whatever that commercial was for.

• Mike Tomlin = Omar Epps. Kept looking for House wandering the sidelines.

• Anybody have any idea why every other commercial had a horse in it? Seriously. By the end of the game I was thinking, man, could I go for a delicious horse steak right now.

• Banned for the 2009-10 season: Celebrating yourself on the field when you have complete the simple task that you have come to the game to complete. I understand that sports are exciting, but many of these players are paid untold amounts of money per game; some of them make almost enough in a night to pay for one of John Thain’s antique commodes. So let’s say you can celebrate if you catch a ridiculous game-winning touchdown by pressing two molecules of your shoes to the end zone; you can celebrate if you intercept a pass on the goal line and run it back 100 yards for a touchdown, particularly if it appears that doing so is the most distance running you have ever attempted in your life and that you might very well die right there beneath Andrea Kremer. But if you are a pass defender who succesfully depends a pass, you do not get to dance, make tommy-gun signs with your hands, perform any percentage of the Electric Slide or leap into the waiting arms of your teammate. I think I saw a guy engage in a three to four minute version of the Cupid Shuffle because he tackled the punt returner, and while I’m glad he managed to pull off this near-impossible feat, it is hard to imagine what else he would have been doing on the field at the time.

• The back of Kurt Warner’s helmet contained enough bumper stickers to make it resemble a minivan from Ohio. Pretty much all that was missing was “My seven children are honor students.”

• The Hotness of Football Players, Vol. 1: Warner was, according to my wife (the house’s resident expert on such matters) the quote-fingers hottest player on the field, although she added that the representative sample consisted of professional football players, so it’s sort of like saying I’m the most accomplished bodybuilder in the household. Roethlisberger, for instance, is not hot, but that is apparently largely due to the unusually large size of his head, which is something that no amount of Lombardi trophies can fix. (PS – Warner was “less hot” in his postgame interview the the poor schlub reporter lady who had to act all like “sorry you guys sucked” or whatever).

• Banned for the 2009-10 season: Reporting in postgame interviews that you have to give the other team “a lot of credit” WHEN THEY HAVE JUST BEATEN YOU IN THE SUPER BOWL. YOU DO NOT GIVE THEM A LOT OF CREDIT THEN. YOU GIVE THEM ALL THE CREDIT. THEY HAVE THE PRETTY TROPHY.

• If you are a camera guy at a Springsteen concert, GET THE HELL OUT OF BRUCE’S WAY, because you cannot contain his ROCK. I’m a giant Springsteen homer, so I thought his performance was killer and a half (even Clarence Clemons’ shiny Darth Vader choir robes), although, really, the show could have used an occasional fireworks explosion or something. Next year’s halftime show idea: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Repeat.

• According to the ads, the only people watching the Super Bowl are 24-year-old guys, some of whom maybe know who Danica Patrick is, or not. So, uh, GoDaddy is a Web service that’s only good for looking at porn, right?

• “Star Trek”! “G.I. Joe”! “Transformers”! This coming movie summer of 1986 is gonna be the best one ever!

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

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