Jasper County, S.C., bans sagging pants; traveling ones still OK

Lil Wayne, who would not last one hot minute in Jasper County, S.C.

Lil Wayne, who would not last one hot minute in Jasper County, S.C.

Island Packet — Jasper County’s recently passed Sagging Pants Ordinance is probably the single best pants-based law to come out of local government in years, with the possible exceptions of the Beaufort County Everyone Wears Boot-Cut Act of 2007, the 2005 Bluffton Corduroy Ban and the Stripey PJs Prohibition Amendment of 2002, which, you’ll recall, nearly was crushed by a massive campaign funded by international lobbying faction Big Clown. I’m kind of not sure how that failed, given the sheer number of activists those guys could pack into their cars.

But the ban passed this week by the Jasper County Council is better than all of those laws combined, as it prohibits anyone — and by “anyone” they mean “The Kids (TM)” — from wearing pants that rest more than three inches below the hips, so as to indelicately expose the wearer’s skin or polka-dotted Elmer Fudd undergarments.

And there are consequences: Those whose pants fall below the approved latitude would be subject to a fine between $25 and $500, as well as be banned from any future visits to either London or France. (The original ordinance included a penalty of jail time, which I am so very not making up.)

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Political scholars will note that the Intolerable Trousers Act of 2008 marks the 9,325,192th time in American history that adults have been terrified and confused by the fashions of the young, and the 4,319,391th time they’ve tried to crush it at the local level. This, of course, always works, which is why our nation’s teens have all graciously agreed to a policy of wearing only khaki pants, blue blazers, J. Crew shirts (no crazy duck or sailboat patterns, either) and smart-looking bow ties everywhere they go, which would make everyone feel safer going to the mall, if anyone went to malls anymore, which they don’t because everyone’s broke, which is a problem that is much less pressing than pants.

Oh sure, you’re thinking, this satirical, patronizing riff on people legislating the whereabouts of scary kids’ belts is mean-spirited, awful and has too many commas, but I assure you only the last one of those is true. To be honest, I would have benefited from, and sort of quietly begged for, any government attempts to preempt some of the ridiculous fashion choices made during my own formative years, which occurred during the early 1990s, when coolness was ruled by Seattle, flannel and a system of hilarious layering based mostly on the fashion of the classic American boxcar-hopping hobo.

No meddling grown-ups would have dared try to amend fashion then, as the prevailing opinion was that your coolness was directly related to the number of clothes you wore, which resulted in my regularly appearing in Earth Science wearing 17 flannel shirts tied to one another, with the one on top appointed to that position because it sort of looked the one Eddie Vedder wore in the “Jeremy” video.

Yet if there’s a problem with the legislation, and by “problem” I mean “problem other than the way it seems to go directly against all those civil liberties we were used to before Bush needed them back,” it’s that it doesn’t go too far. That is why I am pitching a logical extension: the Complete Amish Person Getup Proposal of Late 2008, Although Probably 2009 Because I Am Way Behind On Christmas Shopping, which mandates that all children under the age of 18 who have any interest in dressing themselves or engaging in any sort of current fashion trend, no matter how much you probably wouldn’t wear it to confession, be required to adorn themselves forthwith in a handsome frockery solely of cloth and buckle. I’m preparing for a fierce legal battle on this, and, of course, some blowback from Big Clown.

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

9 responses to “Jasper County, S.C., bans sagging pants; traveling ones still OK

  • Jason Crane

    Don’t hate the bow tie, hate the game.

    Like

  • 8 More Things You Didn’t Know You Needed To Know (Until Now) « Iamastandupcomedian’s Blog

    […] County’s ongoing war against sagging/slacking pants continues. As Jeff Vrabel astutely points out, where were the fashion police legislators that could have saved us from the […]

    Like

  • Kyle

    9,325,192th should actually have an nd after the number not a th. I am a senior in highschool and honestly, one of the best things about society is everyone is free to express themselves individually. It is overthinking losers like you that bring society down constantly bombarding us with your ideals of what people should do and how they should act. Maybe you should have spent more time in school actually focusing on your work, and less time talking trash about what everyone wore. Just because you are self conscious about the way you look or you feel it is your religious or spiritual obligation to turn everyone into clones does not give you the right to dictate what ANYONE does or says. I am a white male christian, and guess what? I have black friends, mexican friends, girl friends that dress slutty, and guy friends who dress nerdy. I go to a public school and we are free to express and clothe ourselves how we so choose. It us maladjusted freaks like you that need to change, not the other way around. So have fun trying to get everyone to dress omish. I would laugh if you somehow actually got the law passed and everyone did have to dress “modestly,” because then you wouldn’t be able to sit on your fat a$$ on the internet and bit@h all day.

    Like

    • Samuel Watts

      The Comment by you on Oct. 9,2009. You have to remember that if you are a Christian you should have nothing to do with people that represent bad things. The people that wear baggy pants represent exactly what Christians are against. Rap people tell a story about how there life is,and sometimes they tell fibs to get you to buy there cd’s. My son wears somewhat baggy pants. I told him he is nothing but a little punk and I will beat his behind if he wears baggy pants around his mom and I. This was a few years ago. Now he is seeing that people with good morals do not want to associate with people that think if they wear cloths like that will make them a bad butt like the rap people. Do you really think people that have a respectful job like The President of the United States is going to where baggy pants? Our country was founded on christian values. Which our country has gone so far away from that it is going to take passing laws to stop the bad element from starting. Freedom of Religion and speech is which amendment ? 1st. if you did not know. There is nothing in it that says they have a right to express themselves like “wearing baggy pants”. only freedom of “Speech” and “Religion” if you look real close you can see nothing about cloths that can and can not be worn. Therefore we as Christians can pass laws to prevent thugs, punks or anything what we consider bad for Society. All the Amendments have nothing about baggy pants are ok. As far as having Black,Hispanic friends I have some myself but they do not dress or wear baggy pants. If my wife was to dress slutty as you so put it. I would Divorce her because a slut is the same as a prostitute. I do not know about you but being with a prostitute is illegal, So I stay away from that element. I hate to tell you this but You are just as guilty as the next guy, What I am saying is that you are ” GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION ” Even if you are a good person, So if you dress like a thug then you are a thug. I do not know about you but I do not want people looking at me like a thug or a bad person, because that brings nothing but drama to your life. When my son finally seen how people were looking at him and his girlfriend and his so called friends, He quit hanging out with them. Its a good thing because his so called friends who are or should I say were into the gangster rap,baggy pants stuff are now either dead or behind bars. If you keep hanging out with the wrong element and your girlfriend keeps dressing as you put it ” Slutty ” you will find yourself in a situation that you wished you were not in. Thats enough preaching to you. If you do not listen to me then listen to your preacher or a ” Good COP ” yes there are some of those out there. Thank you for your time. Samuel Watts

      Like

  • soncire

    lil i like you so much in every song that you sing is so true and you sing it in evrey song you rap to. i just really like you

    Like

  • terisa

    ili wayne is so hot i luv him !

    Like

  • care bear

    i love my boo aint no one going to get him from me

    Like

  • harley

    i thin lil’wayne is so cute.and that town is crazy!!!i mean were i come from even wight boys sagg!!???(not to be rases.i am wight so.)ever time i here him sing it make me wont to breake it down!!!

    lil’wayne fan forevs-
    harley<3

    Like

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