Island Packet – For the most part, food is good, but on the whole, I find that food can be dramatically improved by mixing it with other, unrelated food. It is in this manner that I’ve pioneered some of my most ingenious culinary creations, such as Hot Dog Pudding (patent pending), Milk Loaf (patent pending), Wads Of Rolled Up Cinnabon That You Dip Into Texas Pete (patent pending), and Orange Julius (lawsuit pending, and I know I’m fighting an uphill battle here, but I think we can all agree that the massive multinational Julius conglomerate has unleashed its reign of citrusy mall-terror for too long).
But the thing is, this plan doesn’t just work for food! The very same principle can be easily applied to drinks. Drinks are good when mixed with other drinks, such as whiskey and vodka (patent pending), chocolate milk and ketchup (my son’s idea, his tiny patent is pending), gin and juice (Snoop pending) and Slurpee and frappuccino, and here’s the crazy part: I only made one of those up, and surprisingly, it’s not the one about whiskey and vodka, which was once attempted by my college roommate Wheels and culminated in the eventual replacement of a great deal of carpet.
No, the Slurpuccino is an actual legitimate real-live beverage, and it’s available right now at your local 7-Eleven store, which is actually written like that, “7-Eleven,” which doesn’t make a lick of sense grammar-wise, but then again, these are the kinds of people who envisioned and created a Slurpuccino, so who knows what’s going on over there during naming meetings.
The Slurpuccino, as you might have surmised, surveys the wondrous middle ground between the Slurpee and the frappucino, two drinks that some segment of the 7-Eleven consumership has been regularly forced to choose between for some reason. Has anyone out there even been faced with this problem and found themselves unable to resolve it? Like, really, “Listen, Carl, I kind of want a frappucino, but I also and with equal passion find myself craving a gelatinous blob of soupy food coloring and ice? To whom do I turn, Carl? TO WHOM DO I TURN?” (At this point, if I was Carl, I’d probably just stand there staring at this person like the cast of “Laguna Beach” just leapt one by one out of their ears, but maybe Carl is a nicer guy than I am.)
Anyway, the drink, which I can literally not believe I am being paid to write about, is latte-flavored and contains caffeine but is not milk-based, unlike most of the other items at 7-Eleven, like their hot dogs. At just 61 calories per 8-oz. serving, it’s also apparently a little healthier for you, in the same way that drinking a gallon of white enamel paint is a little healthier than drinking a gallon of off-white enamel paint. And if you’re worried about the price of such a potable miracle, rest assured the Slurpuccino is the same price as a regular dumb old Slurpee, merely 99 cents for a 12-oz. drink, and $1.69 for a 16-oz. cup.
Anyway, the convenience store is offering this magnificent beverage simulacrum only through the end of March, so time is running out, and I apologize for not alerting you earlier. But there’s still time: Do not delay, put the paper down, run out through traffic and get to a 7-Eleven, where you can still get the drink, which, and I’m just saying here, goes really well with a nice hot Milk Loaf. Patent pending.