If you’re going to sue God, at least have the decency to dress up like a cow

Your honor, the defendant needs a larger chair.

Gatehouse — There isn’t much about suing God that makes it a good idea. First, you would need like a huge courtroom, one with 500-foot ceilings and columns and angels with trumpets everywhere. There would also be the matter of having to decide who in the legal profession would represent God in a court of law, especially now that Johnnie Cochran is dead. Also, there would be that uncomfortable tension between God and the judge, as each sort of jockeyed for position to determine who has the nicer robes. (It’s probably God.)

I bring this up because suing God is in the news, again, despite His fairly breathtaking record in court; I don’t believe He’s ever lost, unless you count the Scopes monkey trial, which you shouldn’t, so let’s just call it a clean sweep for the Big Man. This is, of course, logical, as it’s extremely difficult to beat in court an omniscient being on whom court is based; a deity who, when being sworn in on the Bible, would be perfectly within his rights to say something like, “Pfft, yeah, I wrote that.” Besides, what does He say when being sworn in? Does he swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help him Him?

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  • Warren Zevon – Lawyers, Guns and Money

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Anyway, God is currently being sued by Nebraska state Sen. Ernie Chambers of the 11th Legislative District in Omaha — Democrat, natch — in a suit that says the “Defendant directly and proximately has caused, inter alia, fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues…” and all manner of other weather-related pandemonium that’s based on alliteration. The suit also asks for a “permanent injunction ordering Defendant to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats.” Wait, God is making terroristic threats? Somebody tap that guy’s phone!

Chambers says he can sue God, incidentally, because the “defendant, being omnipresent, is personally present in Douglas County,” where the suit is being filed. Chambers also said he’s tried to contact God about the case numerous times, but has been “unable to do so.” Dude, I know what you mean, I had the same problem like all throughout Little League and that time I really wanted the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier for Christmas.

This is all, of course, ridiculous, but before you start tithing your money for God’s Defense Fund, hang on: It turns out that Chambers has nothing against God at all! Which is probably good news for him, as it was sounding an awful lot there like someone was headed for a serious smiting. No, no, Chambers is merely using this Heavenly Father-Based Publicity Stunt to make a stand against frivolous lawsuits; he says his lawsuit is a response to other bills written by other state senators to try to stop lawsuits from being filed. When people ask why people hate America, it’s mostly because of things like this.

“The Constitution requires that the courthouse doors be open, so you cannot prohibit the filing of suits,” Chambers said. “Anyone can sue anyone they choose, even God.”

See, this isn’t a story in which a guy personally stamps his speed-ticket to hell; it’s one in which the guy is making a bigger point by enacting some ridiculous publicity stunt, except nobody really cares what the bigger point is because the publicity stunt involved something like suing God, which mostly just has the effect of making pinhead humor writers mine sophomoric material out of it rather than look at the substantive issue. It’s like when people dress themselves up in anthropomorphic cow costumes to protest the eating of meat or something; see, guys, it’s hard for us to focus on what is I’m sure an extremely well thought-out and cogent argument, because you are dressed like a cow, which makes people not want to talk to you, and not just because you look so extremely delicious. So I think my point is, the next time you want to do something like sue God, it’s probably easier to just dress up as a cow.

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

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