“Transformers” soundtrack: Listen, if you Dare

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Jaded Insider – While “Transformers” fans busy themselves with heated debate about the fact that Optimus Prime apparently has lips in Michael Bay’s upcoming film disaster, us true-blue, hard-core, long-time, throwback, friendless, sexless, athletically retarded, sallow-skinned ubernerds can get us a taste of the real thing.

Later this month, Legacy Recordings will reissue the soundtrack to the original 1986 animated film, which has gone down in extensive J.I. late-night rant sessions as possibly the WEIRDEST ANIMATED MOVIE OF ALL TIME, largely because most of the Transformers die in the first 10 minutes (which, when you are 11, is emotionally devastating) and Orson Welles is in it (in his last role! He played a carnivorous planet named Unicron). Also, someone says “shit.”

Anyway, the reissue features Stan Bush’s immortal “The Touch” (people who knew how to talk to girls in 1986 might remember this better as the song Dirk Diggler records at the end of “Boogie Nights”), as well as an even more execrable track called “Dare,” which is about following your dreams or something. A band called N.R.G. sounds not much worse than other tinny 1986 metal outfits on the track “Instruments of Destruction,” and “Weird Al” Yankovic appears for some reason.

The reissue also includes bonus tracks, including the mistitled but much better “Unicorn Medley” (that low groaning sound you’re hearing is Welles rising from the grave to kill somebody) and “Megatron Must Be Stopped (Parts 1 and 2).” (In Part 3, he’s stopped).

Tragically, Stan Bush still thrives, and on his MySpace page on the Interwebs, he appears — unless he’s kidding, and we have no reason to think so — to be lobbying Bay for some involvement in the new film as well. Yeah, it sounds ridiculous, but how can you succeed at anything if you don’t Dare?

• Stan Bush – Dare.mp3

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About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

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