Bush imperils lawn full of executives, moon

GateHouse — Sure, you’re saying, it can’t be that much fun to pile on President Bush these days. It’s too easy, you’re thinking, like shooting fish in a barrel, or your hunting partner in the face. There’s about 38 people who think that everything’s going according to plan, and most of those are John McCain. Besides, we all know about the invented war rationalization, the firing of judges for the crassest of political reasons, the drowning of New Orleans and Bush’s nefarious role in the death of Anna Nicole Smith (sorry — this paragraph was getting long, just seeing if you were still paying attention).

But wait, I’d say — these are all Earth-bound problems. What if I told you that Bush was well on his way to also screwing up the moon?

Let’s back up. In 1967, an entrepreneur named Dennis Hope found a loophole in the 1967 UN Outer Space Treaty that has enabled him to assert ownership of the moon — as well as most of the other planet, their moons, several wormholes and Chewbacca — for two decades. “These are truly unowned lands,” Hope told the BBC recently, with what appears to be a delightful lack of irony. “We’re doing exactly what their forefathers did when they came to the New World from the European continent.” Yes! George Washington was totally here to jerk around with real estate law for profit.

So far, Hope says he’s sold more than 400 million acres of moon land, as well as several thousand tons of green cheese. Who, you might be asking, would throw in on such a ridiculous proposal? Who would buy moon land, aside from almost certainly those freaky “Secret” people and Tom Cruise? Who would consort with a space-warping entrepreneur in order to further his own personal potential? I think we all see where I’m going with this. Bush is said to be a stakeholder, along with former Presidents Reagan and Carter, unnamed movie stars, a few large corporations and rock band Modest Mouse, who are said to have purchased both the moon and Antarctica.

I’m not sure about you, but the prospect of Bush heading to the moon makes me a little uneasy, largely because I’m fairly sure he’s got a plan to invade it. You may remember that in January 2004, Bush, in one of his awesome State of the Union Wish Lists, committed the U.S. to return to the moon by at least 2017, to continue scientific research, further national pride and, of course, build a fort.

I’d be a little less skeptical about all this, if Bush hadn’t tried to blow himself up recently. In an unrelated but equally awesome episode, Bush nearly exploded himself on the White House lawn last week when he tried to stick a live extension cord into a new-fangled concept car’s hydrogen tank. Ford Motor Co. CEO Alan Mulally told a group of journalists recently that in order to stop Bush from plugging the cord into the explodable part of the car, he “violated all the protocols … I touched the president. I grabbed his arm and I moved him.” Then, ostensibly, he went back to the design office and had his people whip up a car that didn’t explode quite so easily, but what do I know. This story’s probably fake, but it leads into two good lines anyway: 1. The cord was revealed to have been put there by al-Qaeda. 2. Aides have been spending the past few weeks putting safety plugs in White House outlets and installing locks on the medicine cabinets.

The thing about Bush these days is that in order to maintain a fervent level of righteous indignation, you need a foil, an enemy, a comical supervillain. These days he’s basically Ben Stiller, with a much worse approval rating. Which is why I’m going on record as saying: Come on, McCain! Pick up the slack! I’m missing my crazy.


About Jeff Vrabel

My writing has appeared in GQ, Men’s Health, Success, the Washington Post, the official BruceSpringsteen.net, Indianapolis Monthly, Billboard, Modern Bride and more. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

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