Show’s over, Shakespeare

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GateHouse — First, I will admit that it looks bad. In the past few weeks the news has been thick (annoyingly thick, not deliciously thick) with stories of innocent bystanders being attacked by what are pretty obviously zombies: a guy caught chewing on another guy’s face in Miami, a Maryland man charged with killing another man and eating his heart and portions of his brain, a dude in New Jersey who disemboweled himself and “threw his intestines at police officers,” according to a newspaper. All classic signs of zombie attack, except for the last thing, which is just gross, and, I believe, distasteful even by zombie standards, which are not terrifically strict when it comes to disembowelment.

But despite the mounting evidence and occasional intestinal throwing, I must urge you all to remain calm. This is NOT the zombie apocalypse. I mean, sure, the zombie apocalypse is coming, because it’s 2012, and, you know, Mayans or whatever. And it will bring suffering and plagues and moaning and the dramatic breaking of glass doors and puns about the best ways to escape from zombies. (Trains. Obviously.)

But these are isolated incidents, friends, not nearly the cause for alarm the overcaffeinated SEO-obsessed noisemakers on the Internet would have you believe. (Zombie apocalypse is your answer for everything.) Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the evidence. Except the intestines. You may keep those covered.

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1. The zombie apocalypse is not going to start in Miami.

Now I’ll admit, if there’s any town I want to see fall into the hands of the ravaging undead, it’s probably Miami (also Cedar Rapids, Iowa, AND THE PEOPLE OF CEDAR RAPIDS KNOW WHY). But Miami’s climate is far too moist, humid and energetic to properly support zombie life, which, I am told by scientists and movies, mostly movies, is repelled by warmer climes, as well as unlikable professional basketball players and god-awful Latin dance music. Besides, Miami isn’t near any nuclear test facility, and everyone knows all zombie apocalypses start near nuclear test facilities. So the apocalypse, if it comes (and by that I mean “when it comes,” but I’m trying to keep faith or whatever), will likely start in someplace remote and small-townish, probably in Iowa. Hopefully Cedar Rapids.

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Is there any type of monster the Cranberries have not prepared us for?

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