Tag Archives: god

The Adventures Of Milo And Jesus, or, The Five People You Meet In Cat Heaven

It's shocking how little effort was required to find this.

GateHouse — The boy has gotten up twice tonight so far, unable to sleep due to concerns that Cat Heaven and People Heaven are entirely separate places.

But before we discuss how I’ve managed to defuse the situation with some serious ninja-level Ghost-Cat Fathering Awesomeness, a little background:

My son would very much like to get a pet, specifically a cat, which he has judged far superior to a dog based on both slobber volume and evidence provided by the film “The Adventures of Milo and Otis,” which, in his defense, makes a pretty compelling case. But sadly, Dad is allergic to cats — not, mind you, in the way that makes Dad a little snuffly, but in the way that makes his esophagus constrict like he’s being Force-choked by Vader for saying something snippy about his big stupid battle station with the gaping security problems. Believe me, if it was just a matter of knocking back some sinus pills to ensure my son’s joy I’d pop them like Rush Limbaugh on prom night, but I’m stuck.

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If you’re going to sue God, at least have the decency to dress up like a cow

Your honor, the defendant needs a larger chair.

Gatehouse — There isn’t much about suing God that makes it a good idea. First, you would need like a huge courtroom, one with 500-foot ceilings and columns and angels with trumpets everywhere. There would also be the matter of having to decide who in the legal profession would represent God in a court of law, especially now that Johnnie Cochran is dead. Also, there would be that uncomfortable tension between God and the judge, as each sort of jockeyed for position to determine who has the nicer robes. (It’s probably God.)

I bring this up because suing God is in the news, again, despite His fairly breathtaking record in court; I don’t believe He’s ever lost, unless you count the Scopes monkey trial, which you shouldn’t, so let’s just call it a clean sweep for the Big Man. This is, of course, logical, as it’s extremely difficult to beat in court an omniscient being on whom court is based; a deity who, when being sworn in on the Bible, would be perfectly within his rights to say something like, “Pfft, yeah, I wrote that.” Besides, what does He say when being sworn in? Does he swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help him Him?

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  • Warren Zevon – Lawyers, Guns and Money

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