This is among Google's top Image Search matches for "Paladino." Tragically, Carl Paladino actually looks like the guy below.
GateHouse — Two years ago Barack Obama soared to victory on an unprecedented wave of unity and a promise to bring together a nation torn by years of war, goalless partisanship and the erosion of American power, and that all went really badly, because it was a terrible idea that never had the remotest chance of working.
Good news, though: Because there are elections like every 20 days, we’re just a tantalizing few weeks from the midterms, which will solve all your problems, or at least they would if they weren’t being contested by terrible ogre-people who have made this easily the most appalling election ever. But don’t take it from me:
Funny story: Turns out ashen porno fiend and Tea Party-approved New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who has basically spent the last two years e-mailing pornographic and/or racist emails to his MySpace friends and who insisted that that kids shouldn’t be “brainwashed” into not making fun of gay people, rented part of his sprawling real estate empire to gay bars where gay people hang out and brainwash each other. But I’m sure that’s nothing. I mean, it’s not like militant ultra-conservative anti-gay crusaders are ever found to be hiding anything.
GateHouse — Say what you will about the Tea Party — that it’s a fringe, easily unhinged cluster of elderly Caucasians with an abundance of blog-commenting time and a deep need to have their personal beliefs endorsed by them by their televisions; or that it’s a bona fide, quickly growing grassroots force filled with fringe, easily unhinged elderly Caucasians with an abundance of blog-commenting time and a deep need to have their personal beliefs endorsed by them by their televisions.
Either way, here in the black, mucilaginous heart of Midterm Election/Football Season, when American voters rise up EN MASSE to voice their rage at the State Of Our Country and nearly 11% of them go out to actually vote about it, there appears to be equal reason for Democrats and Republicans to be shaking in the boots which were purchased for them by anonymous political action committees.
Democrats have reason to be concerned because the party in power, as a rule, gets its clock cleaned in midterms, but also because as usual they suck. Republicans, on the other hand, are enjoying the equivalent of realizing that the kids at the Thanksgiving table are starting to find the increasingly slurry jokes about sex and racism being produced by their increasingly PBRed-up step-uncle really pretty funny.
State senator and fitness aficionado Jake Knotts, The Pride Of South Carolina
GateHouse — Months ago, during an uncharacteristically unpleasant period in what has been an over-erudite political environment too heavy on facts and pie charts, I wrote a long and extremely mean-spirited piece about the state of South Carolina, which had broken off and floated into a magical space fairy-land in the sky, where there was no NPR or reuseable grocery bags or desegregation and everything was well-preserved in amber in 1951.
Ha! I’m kidding, of course — what South Carolina was actually doing was requiring terrorists to register with the state of South Carolina before, ostensibly, attempting to reduce to a smoking crater the state of South Carolina. (It’s called record-keeping, people!) For people who write about the focal points of human idiocy for a living, and by that I mean a laughably meager figure that necessitates a third-shift side job at the wastewater plant, it was a little like walking into a castle made of key lime pie where margaritas were served to you daily by thousands of chambermaids who all looked like Megan Fox.
As a rule, I try to avoid revisiting topics, unless of course the topic is pierogies, but we return this week to South Carolina, where, against the well-chiseled laws of human decency and basically physics at this point, politics IS EVEN MORE AWESOME THAN BEFORE, and by “awesome” I mean “there’s more fat sweaty racists than there used to be.” And there used to be quite a bit. Obviously.
GateHouse — IMPORTANT CARTOON-AND-BLACK PRESIDENT ALERT: In addition to being a Muslim Kenyan chain-smoking Bolshevik Hitler-loving child-indoctrinating reality-TV-contestant-inviting Will.I.Am fan, Barack Obama hates Charlie Brown. This is actually no great shakes because most of the “Peanuts” kids hate Charlie Brown, but Obama hates Charlie Brown in a way that efficiently connotes his hatred of America as well. (If America wanted to kick the football Obama would be all like, “Whiff, suckers,” and then throw mayonaise on the Little Red-Haired Girl.)
And I have proof, because of Facebook, and Tennessee, in that order.
Last week’s airing of “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” the special that’s been beloved for decades despite being about 25 solid minutes of the emotional abuse of a child, was pre-empted on the television machine by Herr President Omuslim’s speech about his strategy for the war in Afghanistan, or some such nonsense you could read about on the crawl under the Tiger-sexting stuff anyway.
GateHouse – As a 32-year-old American male, I am obliged by peer pressure, social trends and Scarlett Johansson to vote for Barack Obama, D-Coolsville.
Normally, I would do this willingly and with great enthusiasm, as throughout my history of presidential voting, which thanks to irregularities in Illinois’ voter rolls dates back to 1856, I have based my vote almost exclusively on Awesomeness of Teeth. And listen, John McCain, you seem like a nice guy, a nice old guy, a nice guy who wants to talk to me for like an hour, but my God man, have you seen Obama’s teeth? They’re like what I imagine the gates of heaven look like, if they were made of teeth, which they may be, though I was kind of hoping for, like, really shiny gold.
Yet I’m afraid that this year will be different. I cannot cast my vote for Obama because though I find myself moved by his words, mobilized by his message and inspired to action in a way I didn’t think possible by a presidential candidate, I just can’t feel good about voting for the antichrist.
I've written for the nice people at Men's Health, Time, GQ, Billboard, Paste, Nickelodeon's NickMom, brucespringsteen.net and The South Magazine. I'm also a syndicated humor columnist in "newspapers" and a father of two (the younger of whom has been personally approved by Bruce Springsteen) on the coast of South Carolina. Even longer bio/clips.