jeffvrabel.com I humorist and music writer

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• About

  Jeff Vrabel is a humor columnist for the GateHouse news service, editor-in-chief of Hilton Head Monthly magazine and a music writer whose work has appeared in Paste, RollingStone.com, Billboard, Playboy, All About Jazz, No Depression, the Chicago Sun-Times, Backstreets, brucespringsteen.net and several furious Neil Diamond fan message boards. The highly official bio.
  
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• Recent Work

  • Interview: John Mellencamp’s new testament
  • The Adventures Of Milo And Jesus, or, The Five People You Meet In Cat Heaven
  • How To Get Out Of Jury Duty In 12 Mostly Legal Steps That Involve Only Sporadic Shrieking and Some Minor Cross-Dressing
  • Drywallhowyalike: Ten Hip-Hop Home-Improvement Companies
  • Attention, NASCAR driver Greg Biffle: My 6-year-old is fed up with your shenanigans

• Recent Comments

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• Most Popular, Or The Posts That Appear Strangely High in Google

  • The Adventures Of Milo And Jesus, or, The Five People You Meet In Cat Heaven
  • I think it's super that you drafted Adrian Peterson. Now scram.
  • Listen, you don't have to drink giant-snail mucus to get a cult leader to like you
  • The Mud Run: Because races are more fun when you might also contract dysentery
  • WWE suspends wrestlers for steroid abuse; a nation mourns its lost innocence

• Oh good, there’s a Twitter too

  • @alisongriz @justinjarrett you could also use him in D&D! 4 hours ago
  • @justinjarrett @alisongriz if your QB is a running back, I suddenly want to join your league for money 4 hours ago
  • Column: Your fantasy football draft is really fascinating. Please tell me more about it. « http://bit.ly/Kth9K 6 hours ago
  • Interview: @JohnMellencamp ’s new testament http://bit.ly/9or0rB 22 hours ago
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• A Giant, Unmanageable Menu Of Nearly Everything I’ve Ever Written

  -- Interview: John Mellencamp’s new testament The Adventures Of Milo And Jesus, or, The Five People You Meet In Cat Heaven How To Get Out Of Jury Duty In 12 Mostly Legal Steps That Involve Only Sporadic Shrieking and Some Minor Cross-Dressing Drywallhowyalike: Ten Hip-Hop Home-Improvement Companies Attention, NASCAR driver Greg Biffle: My 6-year-old is fed up with your shenanigans Download the Respect Sextet’s “Farcical Built For Six” John Mellencamp on “No Better Than This,” his unusual fall tour and what the blank he was doing in the ’80s The Wizarding World of Harry Potter: Giant spiders, butterbeer, giant spiders, $30 twigs and giant spiders This Cinderella Looks Funny, or Search Engine Obfuscation: A List Of Bands You Can’t Google Now here’s something you probably didn’t know about tentacles Science finally agrees: Clowns are horrifying Grace under fire — Review: “Grace Potter and the Nocturnals” Leave it to the Taliban to ruin trained monkeys for everybody Aging Gracefully, or, OH GOD, THE PAIN, IT’S LIKE A THOUSAND KNIVES OF FIRE STABBING MY SPINE Oh sure, I try to sink the boat ONE TIME and everybody gets all hypercritical Kyle Busch, beef wraps, and the flag of the People’s Republic of Kroger: A night at NASCAR Krispy Kreme + Cheerwine donuts: 85% of your recommended daily allowance of goo Alive Out There: Review — Bruce Springsteen, “London Calling: Live In Hyde Park” The Mosquito: Helping You Get Rid Of Those Irritating Teens(TM) And Their Lil Wayne Or Whatever How the World Cup turns even non-sports nerds into foam-fingered face-painted bar-trashing maniacs Walk Don’t Walk: Review — Robert Randolph, “We Walk This Road” Tony Hayward’s Yacht Rock, or, Everybody Look At Me ‘Cause I’m Sailing On A Boat Billboard’s Top 10 Bonnaroo Moments, feat. Coco, Jay-Z and, it goes without saying, Daryl Hall Billboard @ Bonnaroo 2010: Dispatches from the RIDICULOUS SOUL-SCORCHING HOT Silly Bandz, or, Why Your Children Are Suddenly Taken With Colorful Office Supplies Fat sweating Sen. Jake Knotts: Reinforcing the world’s hilarious drunken jokes about South Carolina since ’02 One man’s quest to free the town from junky-looking campaign signs So there are BP employees not trying to stop the MASSIVE OIL LEAK RIGHT NOW? Curious Death and grief and sorrow and murder: Review, Nick Cave — “Tender Prey,” “The Good Son,” “Henry’s Dream” Cholla, The Magical Painting Horse From Reno Magnetic Fields, how do they work? Review — Magnetic Fields, “69 Love Songs” The Nine Billionth “Lost” Live-Blog/Post: Enjoy, If The Internet Still Works Tinkerbell: Considerably more evil than you think What to do when confronted by a Foosball Hustler White Castle candles: Like a delightful bouquet of abandoned onions and my grandparents’ kitchen Computers are ruining everything, specifically the global economy and the Houston Astros Fast Franks: For when you just don’t have time for the full, immersive hot dog experience Paste review: “Rock N’ Roll High School” 30th Anniversary Special Edition DVD Paste review: New Pornographers, “Together” Paste review: The Hold Steady, “Heaven Is Whenever” Oilpacalypse ’10: Sorry, guys, I guess I should direct my concerns to whoever OWNS THE EXPLODING RIG Why you don’t need neckties anymore, unless of course you’re a total wanker Evo Morales: Eating chicken makes you gay and bald, probably in that order Revolutionizing breakfast, one Cocoa Pebble at a time “Glee”: Why Fox’s leftist fascistpaganda machine cannot be stopped KFC Double Down Sandwich: “Suck it, National Obesity Epidemic” “Deadliest Catch” confirms: I’m about 30% of an actual man This old and crazy person named Hugh is right: Things were SO MUCH better in the ’50s Scrabble allows proper nouns; a nation mourns its lost innocence Opening Day note to the Chicago Cubs: You get ONE MORE YEAR AND THAT’S IT I MEAN IT THIS TIME Slentrol: Fat dogs, rejoice! (Quietly, and don’t get spit all over everything) The Sarah Palin Reality Show: Burn Hollywood Burn, or, Northern Overexposure Review — Drive-By Truckers, “The Big To-Do” Timely Re-Post: Insurance Companies are bothering my toddler The Mud Run: Because races are more fun when you might also contract dysentery Art painted by dogs = Indulgent, sententious and smells like kibbles Listen, you don’t have to drink giant-snail mucus to get a cult leader to like you And on the eighth day there was Dunkin’ Donuts, and it was good There’s A Fred Durst To See You, Sir: Run-DMC and the “Crown Royal” Fiasco Dear Apple, FINE, I GIVE UP: Send me an iPad / interocitor / frog exaggerator immediately A reading from the gospel of Chuck E. Cheese If you “Olympic athletes” are done, can we turn to “Fat Guy Tennis Ball: The Game Show” already? Enjoy your final days before we’re all devoured by murderous pigs, or, Porky’s Revenge Yes, have some: Review — Joanna Newsom, “Have One On Me” The Slovakia Olympic hockey bandwagon, now boarding, choo choo Coffee Makes You Immortal, or, Last Night A Decaf Saved My Life GET YOUR GOVERNMENT HANDS OFF MY GOVERNMENT-OVERTHROWING SEIZING ASSEMBLY So long, and thanks for all the suicidal fish Saints be praised: On the Super Bowl, Townshend’s white belly, and the dominance of Indiana University football They sit down at Springsteen concerts in Indianapolis If I wanted to live in this much cold, I would have never left Reykjavik Winter X Games: Still America’s best means of ensuring your wake will be completely awesome Review: Jimmy Buffett, “Buffet Hotel” Read this, then wash your hands thoroughly and down a quart of Zicam Born to run — on steroids, which makes the running substantially easier Kind of blue: Attempting to fuel the ‘Avatar’ backlash (you got my back, Holy Father?) KFC makes Indiana finger-lickin’ good, or, I hate the Colonel with his wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhh!” A modest proposal: Joe Henry’s letter-writing campaign results in Mose Allison’s first record in 12 years Warning: Oily discharge ahead, or, Alli, The Greatest Of All Time What has two thumbs and got demolished by his 5-year-old at bowling today? Cold is a stupid jerkface Orange billionaire sends Spandau Ballet into space; they did “Rock Me Amadeus,” I’m pretty sure Yes, ladies, he’s single: Top Karl Rove Pickup Lines “Dinosaur Train”: All I want for Christmas is to be like the argentinosaurus Editor & Publisher folds: How to land a cush journalism gig, assuming you already know Eliot Spitzer “Avatar” is THE FUTURE OF MOVIES, and not at all lanky Smurf unicorns fighting in space or anything “The Polar Express”: An unrelenting hellscape of hideous terror, with hot chocolate Barack Obama hates Charlie Brown, America, your mom, says Russell Wiseman, Guy On The Internet, so let’s all listen up The coffee maker is broken. Many dozens will be killed. Five lightsabers, one walrus, one WordPress and several demolished config. files: A Parable Springsteen goes on hiatus, and there’s a waffle shortage. This week sucks. The Great Comedy Recession has affected us all Slovakia 1, U.S. 0! Get used to this flag, World Cup suckas The Endtimes are coming. It’s probably time to call Britney. Attention, Cable Dude: I am not your bro My New Coffee Maker Is Totally Going To Score Me $100,000 Halloween 2009: Evil geniuses, dish soap and barely recognizable chunks of formerly orange gloop I cannot help but notice that no one is fleeing in horror from all of the giant snakes No one is safe from the Sexy Halloween Costume onslaught. Not even you, Canada Listening to the Bee Gees is torture, yes, but it’s also *torture* torture (co-starring The Fat Boys) Tenacious D: Mike Ness on 30 years of Social Distortion How the B-52′s made an evening at Home Depot way more agreeable CD Review: Living Colour, “The Chair in the Doorway” CD Review: Insane Clown Posse, “Bang! Pow! Boom!”, or, Miracles All Up In This Bitch Attention, The Moon: Your days are numbered, jerk. CD Review: Avett Brothers, “I And Love And You” Your TV isn’t hyper-real? Why would you even bother getting out of bed? A skittish nation braces for Basket Full Of Kittens Flu season Cruel supermarket to Jedi: You cannot go about your business What’cha gonna do brother, when Linda McMahon, and all her Linda McMahon-A-Maniacs run wild on you I will see you in Hell, Garbage Disposal Breaking: Everyone has suddenly realized what Crocs actually look like Diary Of A Gmail Outage, or, Liveblogging Gmailfail ’09 I think it’s super that you drafted Adrian Peterson. Now scram. Review: John Fogerty, “The Blue Ridge Rangers Rides Again” Camel’s milk is the wave of the future. Yeah, I said it, cows. On monster-ballad fancypants Ted Nugent and his showtune-inspired Damn Yankees The Steel Horse Archives: Mr. Big, “To Be With You” (1991) Live Review: Jimmy Buffett at the Verizon Wireless Music Center, Indianapolis The Brotherhood of the Traveling Cows, or, Somewhere In The Swamps Of Jersey Insane Clown Posse coming to town, in a tiny car, bringing Miracles All Up In This Bitch The Steel Horse Archives: Warrant, “Cherry Pie” (1990) The Steel Horse Archives: Tesla, “Love Song” (1989) Cursive – foiled again! Or, Scribble Jam Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Ridiculous Movie Trailer The Steel Horse Archives: Cinderella, “Somebody Save Me” (1986) The hideous terrors of the Purina Incredible Dog Challenge, or Televised Dog Tricks On ESPN Are Still Better Than The NBA The Steel Horse Archives: Prologue — Step Inside, Walk This Way Sam Brownback’s Animal-Human Hybrid Theory, or, A Senate Where Apes Evolved From Man? Ruining my son’s life, starting immediately, or, Teaching the children the ways of the World 1-1 Review: Chali 2na, “Fish Outta Water” Psychics agree: You can only talk to Michael Jackson from beyond the grave until he is inevitably reincarnated in 2029, or, A Fake “Psychic Consultant” Puts This Michael Jackson Thing In Bizarrely Rational Perspective Review: Levon Helm, “Electric Dirt” Review: Patterson Hood, “Murdering Oscar (And Other Love Songs)” It’s the Grammys vs. the Polka Community, and no one can truly win Alligators: nice and kind of friendly, as long as they’re completely taped up “Public Enemies” by the Super Bowl, or, Johnny Depp = Crown Point, Indiana’s most famous visitor since the Dan Plesac Era Billboard review: ‘Street Sweeper Social Club’ Review: Bruce Springsteen burns down Bonnaroo — for the Official Site (TM) How To Not Find A Sprawling 700-Acre Farm, or, Hiding on the Backstreets (of Extremely Rural Tennessee) So my son is pregnant, apparently Review: Mos Def, “The Ecstatic” Billboard @ Bonnaroo 2009: 10 Must-See Bands Itinerary Burger King Utilizes Cheap Lettering, Lunch Meat To Deny Flame-Broiling Of Planet Earth Breaking Archie Comics news from 1947: The hot girl gets the red-headed dorky guy CD Review: Dave Matthews Band, “Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King” Additional Things Going Wrong In The Jon and Kate House If it weren’t for the hallucinations, paint-stripping would be nearly unbearable CD Review: Eminem, “Relapse” Snoop Dogg on Hilton Head: He don’t cause trouble, he don’t bother nobody CD Review: Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band, “Outer South” ‘American Idol’ will MURDER you with kindness, and Lionel Richie songs Snoop Dogg on Hilton Head — No, really The Salty Dogg Lessons I Learned After 87 Minutes Of NickToons Review: Bob Dylan, “Together Through Life” Single Review: Oak Ridge Boys, “Seven Nation Army” Love Stories: G. Love stirs up Hilton Head I will have a double burger and a global pandemic (both with cheese) Swine flu: You never sausage a worldwide flu epidemic! Happy Record Store Day, Town Without A Record Store! Some call me the gangster of love Golf’s magical pants regulations Awful orange shorts, giant bunny ears and T-Pain: A Night at the Verizon Heritage (2009 Edition) Patterson Hood on “Murdering Oscar,” new DBT and his dad’s records CD Review: Booker T., “Potato Hole” So, wait, pirates are jerks now? CD Review: The Hold Steady, “A Positive Rage” Hootie And The Ballet, or, Dance of the Sugar-Plum Blowfish CD Review: Thermals, “Now We Can See” Famous Celebrities: Please tweet with less ferocity Bruce Springsteen’s Rendering Factory! Opening This Spring Man-Step In The Name Of Love, or, Why is Howie Long being such a dick Violence never solves anything, unless you’re 5, when it totally does Well, Laser Tag just got A WHOLE LOT MORE AWESOME, or, Northrup Gumman’s Frickin’ Lasers Knit a few lousy naked people into a quilt and everybody loses their minds, or, The needle and the damage done Live Review: Elton John and Billy Joel in Jacksonville Album review: Madeleine Peyroux, “Bare Bones” Timely re-post: Daylight saving time can KILL YOU DEAD Twitter = Shaqtasticness Album Review: Neko Case, “Middle Cyclone” Monopoly cares little for your stupid ‘recession’ Yo, Ding Dong, man, Ding Dong. Ding Dong, yo. Album Review: K’Naan, “Troubadour” It’s A Small World: Now with 45% less Boring This 5-year-old’s party is on fire Album Review: The Bad Plus (Joined By Wendy Lewis): “For All I Care” PopDose Flashback: Tone Loc, “Loc’ed After Dark” I have to give a lot of credit to Super Bowl XLIII, it really executed the game of football tonight Springsteen at halftime: Just play “Outlaw Pete” 1.5 times What kind of world can make you distrust Little Debbie? Album Review: Jane Monheit, “The Lovers, The Dreamers And Me” CD Review: Bruce Springsteen, “Working on a Dream” How ‘Lost’ Will Jump The Shark, Assuming The Sharks Are Real Or Whatever Obama is no Thunder Mountain, but he’s still OK If you need to get anywhere by monorail today, I can help Time for some Disney magic ($24.95 a vial) Review: Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, “Live in Skowhegan” I am my brother’s keeper (on Facebook) BK Flame: Fire meets desire meets a light but constant nausea Jasper County, S.C., bans sagging pants; traveling ones still OK Margarita-Vision Snus button, or, Chew on this! Reasons You Still Need Your Stupid Old Newspaper The Adventure Of The Wandering Pajama-Clad Toddler Single Review: Bruce Springsteen, “Working on a Dream” Review: Ludacris, “Theater of the Mind” The kids talk all crazy these days, but whatev SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS A CLONE, according to this grammatically troubled e-mail I have just received Review: Coldplay, “Prospekt’s March” Review: Tom Jones, “24 Hours” Review: Guns N’ Roses, “Chinese Democracy” (No, really) Unlike me, Obama can probably relinquish his BlackBerry and not lose his damn mind Review: Mavis Staples, “Hope at the Hideout” Review: Sammy Hagar, “Cosmic Universal Fashion” If you can help it, try not to run with a fox hanging off your arm ‘Madagascar,’ giraffe/hippo love and millions upon millions of Sour Patch Kids New Bruce Springsteen: “Workin’ on a Dream” Four-year-old commits voter fraud in Sun City! Review: Streets, “Everything Is Borrowed” Review: Astronautalis, ‘Pomegranate’ Inside the gloppy, schmutzy world of giant pumpkin growers Album review: John Legend, “Evolver” “Chinese Democracy” review: This song is definitely, positively nearly five minutes long The Fall of Pandora.com Tom Jones: ’24 Hours’ and counting Mrs. T’s Pierogi Pocket competition: Vote early and often, like you live in Chicago ‘Weird Al’ goes digital with T.I. parody The Cubs meltdown: Mystical Billy Goat ruins another autumn Concert review: Against Me!, Ted Leo continue the debate on, um, Hilton Head The way of the Samurai An elegant weapon for a more civilized 4-year-old I could be bailed out for a relatively reasonable $50 billion, myself Review: Pete Seeger, “At 89″ Against Me!: “If you’re paying attention, how can you not be outraged?” But Wall Street, how can I as a citizen help bail out your collapsing financial institutions? The Cubs win the Central: Damn it Review: Metallica, “Death Magnetic” Review: Kings of Leon, “Only By the Night” The best news you’ll hear regarding chicken poop all week ‘Ghostbusters 3′ rumors create MASS HYSTERIA ABC’s “Stay At Home Week” IS NOT A JOKE Review: Michael Franti and Spearhead, “All Rebel Rockers” Review: Okkervil River, “The Stand-Ins” Review: New Kids on the Block, “The Block” Video games didn’t make my kid angry, but they helped Review: GZA, “Pro Tools” It’s perfectly OK to be afraid of a 9-year-old pitcher Last crucial thoughts on the Olympics Google Street View: Google now knows how little attention I pay to my lawn Tegan’s To-Do List: Books, videos and a driver’s license “Clone Wars”: For those who’ve been missing the crackling dialogue and hilarious comedy of the “Star Wars” prequels Synchronized divers are the real heroes Nils Lofgren: Current E Street Band tour represents ‘the best shows we’ve ever done’ Michael Phelps: Pfft Michael Franti revels in his dub groove on “All Rebel Rockers” Rock-A-Fire Explosion stars in: “Love in This Showbiz” He’s the one they call Dr. Mario An important development regarding pants Review: Avett Brothers, “The Second Gleam” Pro Wrestling vs. The Lowcountry, or, I Am A Real American Life is too short to feud with the vending machine Sarcasm: Not only fun, it can save your life A magical land where you can buy 36 Pop-Tarts, and a nice couch George Carlin: An inadequate appreciation I just wish someone would have told me Obama was the antichrist. HULK SMASH, or, My Green Sleepless Nights Live review: Jimmy Buffett in Raleigh Review: My Morning Jacket, “Evil Urges” Spelling bees, a long-awaited confession and several numnahs Review: Al Green, “Lay It Down” How my Uncle Jim was at the forefront of the green revolution Charles Walker and the Dynamites: Can you feel it? Briefcase full of blues The Boy goes through another “Phase” Drive-By Truckers in Charleston: Let There Be Rock Snickers Charged: Caffeine = good. Caffeine + nougat = A MIRACLE Facebook By Numbers, or, Don’t you judge me, or my e-mails Review: Duffy, “Rockferry” Guns don’t kill people, Darth Vader does (with guns) I’m told I should love this “Grand Theft Auto IV” Car Talk: The Cult of “Grand Theft Auto IV” Review: Def Leppard, “Songs from the Sparkle Lounge” Review: The Roots, “Rising Down” Science ruins time travel for everyone Smell-O-Cell, or, A phone that does something superfluous? Weird! Bracelets designed to make you complain less make you want to toss kittens off a cliff, but maybe that’s just me Touting Lumpy, Schmoozing Bud Man and $9 Cheeseburgers in Paradise: A Night At The Verizon Heritage (Abridged Edition) Review: Lyrics Born, “Everywhere at Once” This is the no-see-ums’ world, we’re just periodically allowed to visit Finally, a reality show we can all get behind Kids, parents apparently fight every now and again Octopuses After Hours Gas Panic! Vytorin: Spectacularly effective, except when it’s not, which it isn’t, but only part of the time Mars finds its lost shaker of salt Gnarls Barkley: “Couple” therapy She And Him: Awful title, nice record Behold, beverage connoisseurs, the magnificent Slurpuccino Space is trying to kill us (again) Gnarls Barkley are aware of their own oddness and uniqueness. Can you dig it? Baby Loves Disco, or, ‘Life During Naptime’ This supernova is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it. If you are not a farmer, and you’re probably not, daylight-saving time is ridiculous Del’s ’11th Hour’ There are very few things not funny about a fight at Chuck E. Cheese High School Reunion: I’m, er, extremely busy that day, whenever it is Important Breaking News: The kids are cursing more Mike Doughty’s “Golden” rules Lyrics Born can go ‘Everywhere at Once’ Dept. Of Deposing: Possible Reasons Fidel Castro Is Stepping Down The Frogger to end all Froggers Boston has more than a feeling about Huckabee "Roots & Grooves": Maceo, blow your horn! Dept. of Filth Flarn Flarn Filth, or, The Notorious C.O.S. Drive-By Truckers’ future looking ‘Brighter’ Ice chewing is the new gum chewing Typeface choice unearths a font of knowledge (starring “Helvetica The Movie”) Ladies and gentlemen, a cheeseburger in a can Songs for the Dumped Why yes, I am related to Mike Vrabel, sort of PLUMMETING SATELLITE IS GOING TO KILL US ALL Review: Drive-By Truckers: "Brighter Than Creation’s Dark" You have gone too far this time, Writers’ Guild Of America! The truth has come out: I am on steroids No TV Left Behind "Star Wars" and Marc Ecko: It’s fashionable enough for you, old man Rockets, Clifford and a very small existential crisis Wonderful Christmas Hell My prehistoric TV is just fine, thank you O Santa, why hast thou forsaken me YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE THIRD-GRADE SCIENCE LAB, BABY! A fat Santa is an awesome Santa Star Trek Caskets: The Voyage Home This week in Wu-Tang Billboard’s 25 Best Rock Posters Of All Time Billy Joel hosts "Christmas in Fallujah" Spy kids Springsteen concert review: Magic in the night I Love The ’80s Review: Atmosphere, “Sad Clown Bad Fall No. 10″ The hideous terrors of Black Plague Friday And now, a message from the World Toilet Association John McCain: Bitch, please The Truth Is Out There Concert review: Ben Harper saves some soul for Florida Whiting, Ind. loses pierogi competition, and I go nuts It came without ribbons! It came without tags! Jay-Z’s ‘Gangster’ boogie Guitar Hero III: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU IN THE JUNGLE, BABY! Sharon Jones’ days and nights Communication breakdown It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown I’m Not There EVERYBODY WAKE UP! FICTITIOUS WIZARD IS GAY Happy All Saints Day! Carousel of Boredom, or, Disney’s FastPass ensures a great big beautiful tomorrow Mrs. T’s Pierogy Pocket Competition: Vote early, vote often for Whiting, Ind. Review: Eddie Vedder, “Into the Wild” The Gospel of Deep-Fried Pepsi Welcome to Hell, Hannah Montana people Even when they’re just robbing Kwik-E-Marts, ninjas are pretty awesome The Cubs in the playoffs: Because really, what’s the worst that could happen? Review: Bruce Springsteen, “Magic” Try to stay awake for this one; it’s short Bettye LaVette returns to the "Scene" If you’re going to sue God, at least have the decency to dress up like a cow Chimps are better than kids at many things, just not math "Kid Nation" puts a price on selling your children out for fame, and it’s about $5,000 WWE suspends wrestlers for steroid abuse; a nation mourns its lost innocence Paper vs. Plastic: The Throwdown In Aisle 9, or, Sack Wars Aesop Rock gets a ‘Pass’ Debunking the diaper-free myth ‘King of Kong’ recalls the glory age of really boring video games National Lampoon’s Vacation Springsteen’s "Radio Nowhere" Ronald McDonald makes everything better Galactic’s Empire Karl, I think I’ll miss you most of all Eddie Vedder’s Cubs song: “Go All The Way” The Chinese buffet is no place for karaoke David Beckham, and other things that bend Another reason why I went to high school at the completely wrong time Review: Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, “This is Somewhere” Congress = extremely sleepy The cheese bomb stands alone Monkey Business (though, tragically, not the bitchin’ Skid Row kind) Catching up with Nils Lofgren Using a cell phone at a concert is soooo 2005 Ben Harper’s "Lifeline" "Live at the Gorge": Pearl Jam picks the bootlegs for you “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” Release Party: Midnight in the bookstore of good and evil Harry Potter and the Deadly Spoilers A toast to wine and teeth What is a Juggalo? The Insane Clown Posse will tell you, insanely Big Toilet strikes again Mark Ronson makes ‘Version’ history “Transformers” redux: One shall stand, one shall fall Crowded House comes back to "Earth" Smashing Pumpkins try to call it a comeback Takeru Kobayashi: What God would look like, if He snarfed hot dogs for a living Will Bay’s “Transformers” have The Touch? Or at least not be permanently scarring? Blue Scholars go to school Professor Xavier Rudd Obamalicious! Ryan Adams keeps things short and sweet. No, really. “Hostel Part II”: The good people of Slovakia deserve better than this The Thomas The Tank Engine Product Recall, Or, Why My Son Is Going To Hate My Guts For The Next 12 Years Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair Beastie Boys “Mix” it up on new instrumental record FlexPetz: If you rent a dog, do you have to pay the security deposit if he gets hit by a truck? Commence Operation Vac-U-Suck "Star Wars" stamps: Finally, They Tied Those Movies In With A Product Of Some Kind Zimny brings Springsteen’s "Sessions" home Zevon’s lost "Preludes" redux Flush with joy Trouble in the food group ‘chocotastic’ No-metal: Linkin Park’s "Midnight" Innocent symphony turns into bloody free-for-all Finally, somebody writing about "Spider-Man 3" I see spiders when I close my eyes Pants Pants Revolution Brother Ali’s "Truth" Facebook friends: Like real friends, only way better The Spider-Man Suit, or, Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Sticky Burninating, or, fire dancing on the ceiling Congress: We (heart) our little fluffy puppies SO MUCH yes we do yes love you don’t we schnookums "Transformers" soundtrack: Listen, if you Dare Bush imperils lawn full of executives, moon Travis, the boy with no name and "The Boy With No Name" Off To Never-Never Land: The Saga Of Baby Metalllica (Episode I) Linkin Park’s ‘Midnight’ special Ashes to ashes Chocolate Jesus, or, Hallowed Be Thy Chewy Nougat Center A breakthrough in human/Autobot relations Novelty candy industry has totally gone to pot Shooting at the walls of scandals, bang bang Review, Ted Leo + the Pharmacists, “Living with the Living” "The Secret," Or, Manifest Density Captain America’s been torn apart Grandmaster Flash, Mele Mel send Rock Hall a message The music business: Sometimes, you run into people who are just south of trustworthy Confessions Of A Beaten-Down Cub Fan Billboard Exclusive: Bad Brains to rock the "Nation" with Beastie Boy Jake Shimabukuro: The maestro When You Think Hardee’s, You Think Slithery Sex Kittens, Or, Adhesive Meat Why The State of Indiana Has Ruined My Perception Of Time Zones For Life, Although Their Corn Is Still Really Good Everybody’s cryin’ mercy: An interview with Mose Allison K-Os’ ‘Disco’ fever Day Six Of Anna Nicole, Or, Tap-Dancing All Over The Dead Piling On, or, In Defense Of "The Super Bowl Shuffle" Review: Norah Jones, “Not Too Late” Gay Penguins, Or, How Some Column Titles Just Write Themselves The Sacramento Radio DJs, Or, What Will With Any Luck Be The Immediate End To An Era Indy IV, Or, You Damn Kids! Get Off My Lawn! Rick Moranis: Honey, I Shrunk The Coug, or Only One Man Would Dare Give John Mellencamp The Raspberry Interview: Snoop Dogg rolls out the ‘Blue Carpet’ Review: Ron Artest — You wanna step into ‘My World?’ It’s a sociopsychotic state of bliss Guns N’ Roses Concert Review: Democracy Now! Or, Who The Hell Are You People? Weird Al: Best. Sales. Ever. Diddy: Don’t worry if I write rhymes, I write reviews Review: Jimmy Buffett, “Take The Weather With You” Indigo Girls: Celebrating their ‘Differences’ Poison: Lick The Wind The Roots come alive Jurassic 5 boxes the mirror with new ‘Feedback’ From The Vaults: Flava! (By Dave) Chappelle Explains That Whole Thing About South Africa Concert Review: Bruce Springsteen and the Seeger Sessions Band — What can a poor boy do but play in a ragtime band? Joan Jett: A couple more dimes in the jukebox Robots in disguise Rob Thomas: Holiday in Florida "Idol" finale: The beauty of gray Paul Simon (hearts) Brian Eno 4-Ever The Dixie Chicks strike back The Life o’ Ike Reilly The best band in America Good gnews about Gnarls And the rocksyyzytz’s red glaxzbtctxzcz Gone country Oh my God, you can’t kill Kenny Live Review: Jiminy jillilkers, Fall Out Boy in Jacksonville! "We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions": Springsteen scores Herbie Hancock: Endless possibilities Interview: Grace Potter’s magic Concert Review: R. Kelly in Jacksonville, or, Heaven, I Need A Drink Red Jumpsuit Apparatus at SXSW Welcome to the Internet’s two billionth blog post regarding SXSW One escape from reality DMC: The name of the game Live From New York: Rock Hall plays some Skynyrd, man Skynyrd goes to the Hall: Turn it up, or turn it down? Concert review: Wilco in Jacksonville, Fla. Both sides of Ben Harper This thing, called Queen + Paul Rodgers, I just can’t handle it Roger Taylor and Queen, plus and minus Keith: Country’s Urban legend INXS and Queen: Rock parts The Hold Steady Kills Me: An interview with Craig Finn Live review: Billy Joel in Jacksonville John Prine: Standing by peaceful waters CD Review: Eminem, “Curtain Call” No, Really, The Yellow Wiggle Is On The Phone Brad Paisley’s park Live review: Springsteen’s “Devils and Dust” tour — dream baby dream “Maybe the Lord has something in mind”: An interview with the Dirty Dozen Brass Band Live Review: Neil Diamond in Jacksonville, or, The Precise Midpoint Between Sheer Magnificence And Hideous Terror Live review: Nine Inch Nails reclaim their empire of dirt in Jacksonville ‘Electro Lounge’ and ‘This Is Jazz’: Radio dreams in Jacksonville Interview: Atmosphere’s Slug steps outside himself Late afternoon with the mighty Max Weinberg Parenting tips from Alice Cooper Concert review: Austin City Limits 2005 — A Texas barbecue Kenny Chesney in: Fraud From An Old Blue Chair Scorsese, Dylan and “No Direction Home”: How does it feel? Concert review: Jimmy Buffett at Wrigley Field — It’s 2:00 somewhere Little Steven Van Zandt: Just a prisoner of rock n’ roll Movie Review: “The Island” — What kind of paradise harvests your organs? Johnny Depp and Tim Burton’s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”: Sometimes you feel like a nut Concert review: Jimmy Buffett at Fenway Park — Fins at the Fens Jeff Vrabel: Bio

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