Category Archives: NickMom

9 Ways Childbirth Would Be Different If You Were Pregnant With A Killer Whale

(Illustration / Stacy Lenz)

NickMom — What? You’ve all thought about it.

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  1. Registry: Plankton plankton plankton plankton plankton plankton plankton plankton.
  2. Everyone laughed when you said you wanted to have an underwater birth BUT WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?

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Read the full list over at NickMom.


Top 9 Things I Said When I Realized The Birthday Party I Was At Featured Rides On A Llama

NickMom — Is this normal? Because basically the highlight of my birthday parties was Big Mac Container Stacking.

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  1. OH GOD THERE’S A LLAMA LOOSE OUT HERE RUN YOU LITTLE F–KERS RUN!


Top 9 Lines From My Eulogy For The Goldfish Who Leapt Out Of The Tank To His Death

NickMom— You put a fish tank in your kid’s room because you think it’ll teach valuable lessons about nature and responsibility, and then the fish more or less try to kill themselves.

3. “I said, ‘Maybe we SHOULDN’T put the moray eel in the aquarium,’ but nooooooo no one EVER LISTENS TO ME.”

Read the list here.



It’s those great white pigs you gotta worry about

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My 8-year-old’s debut on NickMom. You’re welcome, son.


Top 9 Things You Say in the 12 Hours After Your Son Gets a Magic Kit

NickMom — Hey, you know what a magic kit helps you get done? NOTHING AT ALL.

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  1. “Hey, that’s some pretty good magic, buddy!”
  2. “No, I don’t know where the purple ball went. You must be a wizard!”

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The full list over at NickMom.


Top 9 Things My Infant Appeared To Be Thinking On The Night He Discovered That He Had Feet

NickMom — To be fair, if I just learned that I had feet, I’d probably stare at them for 45 minutes too.

  1. “AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!”
  2. “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING ON MY LEG?”
  3. “SWEET LORD, THERE’S ANOTHER ONE!”
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Read the full list over at NickMom.


Top 9 Ways Childbirth Would Be Different If It Happened At A NASCAR Race

NickMom — This list is probably only relevant to Danica Patrick but hey you NEVER KNOW.

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7. The lactation consultant would also sell funnel cakes.

3. ‪Birth would immediately followed by me thanking Jiffy Lube for all their support.

Read the full list at NickMom.

 


How To Put On A Baby Carrier

NickMom  Step 1. Slide left strap over left shoulder. Slide right strap over right shoulder. (Note: Step 1 may require dislocation of shoulder. This is normal.)

Step 2. On front of carrier, put the deal into that clicky thing.

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The COMPLETE SET OF HELPFUL INSTRUCTIONS over at NickMom.


Top 9 Least Appropriate Ways To Prepare Your Older Child For A New Baby

NickMom — The baby is coming! The baby is coming! And your world is a blur of excitement and joy and harmony! But HOLD UP — what about the other child that already lives in your house? OH YEAH. THAT GUY.

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  1. I mean, if you have to watch all those delivery videos then everyone should watch all those delivery videos, right?
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Nanny Application: Kanye West, aka Ye, aka Nanny McPheezy

Read the full unprecedented artistic version via NickMom.

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