The 38 Steps to Enduring a Massive Water Leak in Your House

Noah

I looked exactly like this.

 

1. Pipe bursts, flooding living room, kitchen and rest of downstairs with a half-inch of water

2. Realize house is largely underwater

3. Hurriedly shuffle wife and children outside, lock door, panic panickedly, wish you’d selected a different god, one who’s less of a jerk

4. Sweep sheets of water out of open doors of house with pitifully inadequate squeegee

5. Call House Unwettening People

6. Watch helplessly as House Unwettening People move everything in your house out of the way to make room for 300 high-speed fans

7. Wonder how much this is going to cost

LESS FUN IN REAL LIFE.

LESS FUN IN REAL LIFE.

8. Watch as House Unwettening People detach everything in your kitchen from the walls and floors, wonder what kind of training is required to effectively destroy a stranger’s cabinets

9. Wonder how much that is going to cost

10. Listen helplessly as House Unwettening People tell you how much this will cost

11. Struggle to remember even the basic highlights of your homeowners’ policy

12. Mentally page through list of friends you have who might be lawyers now

13. Call insurance company

14. Spend hour on phone with insurance company

15. Wait

16. Still wait

17. Just waiting

18. Continue waiting, watching helplessly as the ticking clock marks your own inevitable march to the grave

19. Lament the time you’re wasting the miraculous gift of life on the phone with an insurance agent

20. Wait some more

21. Listen as Insurance Guy says lots of nice things and is friendly

22. Wonder what you’ll think of him in two weeks

23. Live with in-laws for a week

24. Occasionally return home to concrete floor, fans, sadness. Begin to view waterlogged house and possessions as metaphor for your damaged, soggy life

25. Call insurance guy

26. Listen as insurance guy tells you to call Other Insurance Guy

27. Listen as Other Insurance Guy says no, you need First Insurance Guy

28. Repeat 30 times

29. Wonder how literally anything is accomplished in this country, ever

30. Wait for two Insurance Guys to have a hotly anticipated rendezvous

31. Wonder why you didn’t just go into insurance instead of comedy writing, because though their job sounds spine-crushingly boring they probably have health care

32. Wait for check from Insurance Guy

33. Live on concrete floors for like six weeks with your children, because safety

34. Receive check, debate moral implications of using check on something more fun than floor replacement, such as Literally Anything In The World

35. Commence repairs

36. Live with in-laws’ again for three days

37. Pay House Unwettening People and repairmen with checks that never in a billion years would clear under normal circumstances

38. Slowly return to pre-flood life. Occasionally look into entry-level jobs in the insurance industry.

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About Jeff Vrabel

Writer/editor at Nickelodeon's Nickmom.com, syndicated humor columnist for GateHouse, music journalist and speedily graying dad based on the coast of Carolina. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

10 responses to “The 38 Steps to Enduring a Massive Water Leak in Your House

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