The Most Expensive Dog Wedding Ever Still Smells Pretty Much Like Kibbles

“You call that modern formalwear, Alfie? Get in your bed! GET!”

GateHouse — The dog we had when I was growing up was an adorable, slobbery wet mop named Cutty, a wonderful companion known mostly for her thick black fur, dragon breath and abysmal bladder control. (Seriously, best dog ever, but if you’d brought one of those hotel room black lights to our downstairs carpet, you would have seen nothing but a minefield of long-dried puddles. If I’d had girls over, it would have been a problem. It was not usually a problem.)

There was a lot to like about Cutty: She could smile on command, which might have actually been angry teeth-baring but whatever it was adorable, she could catch mice (which came in handy when you live in a 400-year-old house in rural Indiana) and she could consume an entire box of 12 chocolate Santas in one sitting, which, incidentally, is not something you want to have happen in a house with light carpeting, if you catch my gloppy drift.

But Cutty, being a dog, did not live a fancy lifestyle. She had one possession in the world, one, not counting the throw pillow in the living room she would occasionally make love to. (I know what you’re thinking, and yes, the guests were regularly notified, and we had Lysol or whatever.) And that possession was a red rubbery ball that she got seriously growly about if you tried to touch it. OH wait, she also had a red and white dogsweater my Mom made her wear at Christmastime, and every time you put it on her she would give you this look like, “Oh I see that you are trying to get me to run away from home?” So, OK, three possessions. But never, at any point in her 16 years, did she own a $6,000 custom wedding dress.

Cutty, pictured here very probably peeing in a box

This sets her apart from Baby Hope Diamond, a tiny Coton de Tulear, which is a kind of dog if you are rich, who this past weekend was part of what has gone into the Guinness Book of World Records as The Most Expensive Pet Wedding In History, because the Guinness Book of World Records needs to be shut down immediately.

The most expensive pet wedding in history cost $270,000, all of which was donated, according to ABC News. It included — and this will be the part where you could be forgiven for wanting to drive a large-track bulldozer through a ballroom full of rich people — a $6,000 custom dress for the bride (designed, the article states, by couture designer Henry Roth, because it’s not like you can just get dog clothes at Petco WAIT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAN DO), $30,000 in flowers, $5,000 in sushi and $15,000 for a seven-piece orchestra, because dogs, above all else, require woodwinds. After the ceremony, the dogs enjoyed a buffet of treats and a cake by people who have a TV show about cake. The event, reports say, raised $50,000 for the Humane Society of New York, which seems less to me than $270,000, but maybe they’re figuring this in dog dollars.

(Oh hey just in case you don’t yet want to fly to space, the previous record-holder for most expensive pet wedding was a ceremony for two cats in Thailand that rang in at $16,421, which not only seems comparatively sensible but kind of a ridiculous bargain/future tourist sales pitch: “LOOKING TO MARRY YOUR PETS ON THE CHEAP? MIGHT WE SUGGEST THAILAND?”)

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Related, sort of

• Slentrol: Fat dogs, rejoice! Quietly. And don’t get spit all over everything
• The Hideous Terrors of the Purina Incredible Dog Challenge, or, Televised Dog Tricks On ESPN Are Still Better Than The NBA

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Anyway, the groom was, and there is just no way to type this without enduring an indescribable sadness, a tie-dyed poodle named Chilly Pasternak. Wait, is that even right? Is there a groom in this situation? Which one is the bride? Are these traditional gender roles even accurate? WHY ARE PET WEDDINGS SO COMPLICATED AND EXPENSIVE? See, this is why I’m going to have a stern discussion with our fish, at least the few that are still alive, about the strict budget of $3,000 I’m setting for their various weddings, which will probably all be to each other because it turns out fish die all the time? Still, I feel I need to lay down the law. I will not have these animals making a mockery of traditional marriage like this.