Why All Of These Face-Chewing People Aren’t Signs Of The Zombie Apocalypse, Probably

Show’s over, Shakespeare

.

GateHouse — First, I will admit that it looks bad. In the past few weeks the news has been thick (annoyingly thick, not deliciously thick) with stories of innocent bystanders being attacked by what are pretty obviously zombies: a guy caught chewing on another guy’s face in Miami, a Maryland man charged with killing another man and eating his heart and portions of his brain, a dude in New Jersey who disemboweled himself and “threw his intestines at police officers,” according to a newspaper. All classic signs of zombie attack, except for the last thing, which is just gross, and, I believe, distasteful even by zombie standards, which are not terrifically strict when it comes to disembowelment.

But despite the mounting evidence and occasional intestinal throwing, I must urge you all to remain calm. This is NOT the zombie apocalypse. I mean, sure, the zombie apocalypse is coming, because it’s 2012, and, you know, Mayans or whatever. And it will bring suffering and plagues and moaning and the dramatic breaking of glass doors and puns about the best ways to escape from zombies. (Trains. Obviously.)

But these are isolated incidents, friends, not nearly the cause for alarm the overcaffeinated SEO-obsessed noisemakers on the Internet would have you believe. (Zombie apocalypse is your answer for everything.) Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the evidence. Except the intestines. You may keep those covered.

.

1. The zombie apocalypse is not going to start in Miami.

Now I’ll admit, if there’s any town I want to see fall into the hands of the ravaging undead, it’s probably Miami (also Cedar Rapids, Iowa, AND THE PEOPLE OF CEDAR RAPIDS KNOW WHY). But Miami’s climate is far too moist, humid and energetic to properly support zombie life, which, I am told by scientists and movies, mostly movies, is repelled by warmer climes, as well as unlikable professional basketball players and god-awful Latin dance music. Besides, Miami isn’t near any nuclear test facility, and everyone knows all zombie apocalypses start near nuclear test facilities. So the apocalypse, if it comes (and by that I mean “when it comes,” but I’m trying to keep faith or whatever), will likely start in someplace remote and small-townish, probably in Iowa. Hopefully Cedar Rapids.

.

Is there any type of monster the Cranberries have not prepared us for?

.

2. Zombies eat brains, not hearts or faces. That’s just science, people.

Sure, it’s possible that the guy in Miami was trying to dig through the face to get to the brain, but that is just poor planning. If zombies know anything, it’s basic human cranial anatomy. What’s the one thing zombies do? Eat brains. What’s the best way to do that? Spoon in the ear. No one’s going through faces. That would take like 45 minutes.

.

Related, sort of

• If you ever find yourself dreaming there’s a spider on your neck, wake up and CHECK THAT RIGHT OUT

.

Zombies also do not eat hearts. If the guy in Maryland was serious, he’d have left the hearts alone. He’s either not a zombie, or a very bad zombie, and I’m pretty sure bad zombies get eaten by good zombies. That’s just natural selection. Only the strong survive. Or, wait, in this case, die. Or half-die, and then get resurrected into a hideous hellghoul who is barely alive you know what zombies make the theory of evolution break down pretty quickly don’t they?

.

3. Zombies do not use Facebook, much.

The Facebook page of the college student in Maryland accused of eating the dude’s heart reportedly includes discussions of “mass human sacrifices” and such unhinged rantings as “THIS IS THE BRUTAL BASIS, AN EVIL & TERRIFYING METHOD OF THIS DEATH CULTS.” Creepy, although I think the real crime here is the grammar, am I right, people?

Anyway, zombies do not use Facebook, and anyway if they did they would use it to show pictures of their little zombie babies’ piano recitals and baseball games, talk about what they had for zombie dinner and link repeatedly to the their zombie blogs. Because zombies are, after all, only human.

.

.

.

About these ads

About Jeff Vrabel

Writer/editor at Nickelodeon's Nickmom.com, syndicated humor columnist for GateHouse, music journalist and speedily graying dad based on the coast of Carolina. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

4 responses to “Why All Of These Face-Chewing People Aren’t Signs Of The Zombie Apocalypse, Probably

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 5,157 other followers

%d bloggers like this: