No one is safe from the Sexy Halloween Costume movement. Not even you, Canada.

istockphoto_397940-canadian-mountie

Pictured: Mountie (Non-Sexy Variety)

McClatchy/Tribune – I am not a very good-looking woman, which I think is the primary reason I’m having trouble coming up with a decent Halloween costume this year. (It’s also the main reason I kept getting turned down for sororities, not that I’m still bitter about that, stupid Zeta Tau Alpha, I hate you so much.)

Indeed, if you have visited any costume stores lately, you might have noticed that they look less like costume stores and more like places that Britney Spears might shop, if she could stay sober long enough to park the car. Costume stores these days feature an irrationally large percentage of rack space devoted entirely to Sexy versions of average things: Sexy Nurse, Sexy Doctor, Sexy Soccer Player, Naughty Navigator, Sexy Mountie, Support Our Troops Sexy Adult (really), Sexy Wilma Flintstone (I can send you the link to these if you want). One newsroom staffer reported stumbling across a costume for a Sexy Cab Driver, which is, of course, something that has never happened in the history of the human experience. (However, if it does happen, I suggest immediately that we cancel Halloween and institute National I Found A Sexy Cab Driver Day, which we could commemorate by briefly increasing the national speed limit to 200 mph and growing splendid beards.)

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• Ministry – Every Day Is Halloween

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Meanwhile, the non-sexy demographic, of which I am a proud lifelong member, is forced to resort tolame, unsexy costumes, such as Chewbacca, or Herman Cain.

This might be a gender thing. Guy costumes, historically, are comparatively lame and most seem to come straight out of the Cliche Costume Handbook For Guys Who Prefer Ready-Made Costumes Sold In A Plastic Bag: vampire, pirate, Jedi, pimp, president.

If I seem unusually bitter about this, it’s because I’ve outgrown the only good costume I’ve ever had in my life, which was E.T. That was a good costume because it was 1982, I was 7, and my mom sewed it for me. It looked fantastic and timely, except that I kept tripping and falling down in it, and ended up resembling not so much E.T. as an extremely clumsy brownie.

I’m not sure when Halloween got like this. Back in my day, which was 1943, Halloween was a time of wholesome childlike innocence, pristine and unspoiled, a time for stomach-clutching sugar highs and good-natured mischief and, occasionally, shenanigans. Oh, the shenanigans! Why, back in my picturesque little neighborhood in Indiana, we were always getting into Halloween roustabouts of some kind, knocking over Old Farmer Winslow’s scarecrow, toilet-papering the soda fountain down at Basketballington Town Square, egging John Mellencamp’s place. It was all Huck Finn-esque boyhood tomfoolery, with the exception of the one time we killed a guy with a hay baler (long story!).

But for the most part, the worst that could happen would be you went to someone’s house who was handing out healthy treats, or your Bubble Yum came already dried out, or you might be out wandering around and run into a clown, which is not cool, because clowns are terrifying, and I don’t care how old you are, but there’s nothing funny about clowns, which can appear in steadily recurring nightmares even if you’re 36 years old and should totally be over this by now. These days, it’s much harder and requires more thought. Unless, of course, someone out there has already sewn up a costume for a Sexy E.T.

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About Jeff Vrabel

Writer/editor at Nickelodeon's Nickmom.com, syndicated humor columnist for GateHouse, music journalist and speedily graying dad based on the coast of Carolina. View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

13 responses to “No one is safe from the Sexy Halloween Costume movement. Not even you, Canada.

  • Mom

    You were a clown when you were real little. Made that one too:) That was before the fear set in.

    Like

  • Übermilf

    I hate these “sexy” costumes.

    Grumble.

    Like

  • Butt-Head

    Uh… huh huh. You said rack space. That was cool.

    I’ll be, like, dressing as a Sexy Tax Accountant this year. Fartknocker.

    Like

  • Rachel

    my father has a shark costume that was made sometime during the second ice age that he still drags out every few years to wear to parties (although, regrettably, rarely at *halloween*) … to follow the “sexy” costume trend one year we gave it a bra and skank heels.

    sexy land shark? didn’t quite catch on. we’re still trying to figure out why.

    Like

  • ludovicah

    As I live in a country where only the small children of the most knuckledragging of the social underclass ever even contemplate any sort of a celebration of Halloween, I find all the USA brou-haha really amusing. Isn’t it supposed to be fun? and yet over the past week I have seen the Twitter streams of several noteable, even famous people in which they express really quite extreme angst about what they are going to dress up as at Halloween..
    Extraordinary to me… I cant recall ever dressing as anyone other than myself after about 9 years of age, and that was in a school play.
    Yes I know “costumed events” do happen here. There are allegedly places you can go to hire costumes etc, but as far as I know, no-one I have ever known has ever needed to visit one.. Dressing up in “fancy dress” is apparently the preserve of some other demographic than mine.. I wonder if I am missing out at all?

    Like

  • Lokyra Stone

    Last year I made a cheshire cat costume. It was nifty.
    Our society is so over-sexed. (feel free to fill in some angsty rant about the sexualization of our culture.)
    This year I will be dressed as a wildling/lumberjack/woods witch. Mainly because I will be out in the middle of the woods, cutting down trees to build a cabin. I will be celebrating the holiday in my own witchy way, probably freezing my witchy ass off under the moonlight.

    My brother loves dressing up in sexy female costumes. For Halloween, I mean.

    Also, rock on, mother who makes awesome E.T. costumes!

    Like

    • Jeff Vrabel

      There is a lot of information in this Comment, but mostly that cutting down trees to build a cabin is the beginning of about nine million different horror stories. Are your woods vampire-infested? I mean, most of them are.

      Like

      • Lokyra Stone

        Fortunately my husband is an experienced lumberjack stud. So that should help keep some horrors at bay. Also we each carry around holy water, sharpened stakes, and garlic. Plus axes and chainsaws and mauls and wedges and pocket knives.
        Also, the vampires around here don’t sparkle, so I was willing to let them continue living in our woods.

        Like

  • jennygoth

    i love halloween but then for me its all year long xxjen

    Like

  • jennygoth

    i have wgw in my fave seaside town and a big meeting and bizzarre vampires ball and then halloween love this time of year jeff but i dress lace and black all year long and red and purple so everyday a girls dream dressy up time have a lovely week xxjen

    Like

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