Tinkerbell pauses on a mirror to address her pathological body-image issues.
Island Packet — So I have a 3-year-old son who is scared to death of Tinkerbell.
This, on its surface, is not a bad nor even surprising thing, because I discovered something recently while watching “Peter Pan”: Tinkerbell is a jerk. She’s jealous, she’s petty, she’s got irrational body image issues and she’s consistently mean to the Darling children, even the dippy one with the top hat. I’ll be honest: When my son started saying, “She scares me, Daddy,” I thought, “You know what, son? Six-inch-tall bioluminescent faeries with unexplained powers and vengeful attitudes scare me too.”
Still, having a 3-year-old son who is frightened of Tinkerbell — or anyone involved in “Peter Pan,” which on the whole is about as scary as a high school newspaper class — is not something you exactly run around the playground sharing with the other fathers, particularly if they’re throwing a football around.
I bring this up partly because at some point in the distant future I plan to use my son’s fear of Tinkerbell to get him back for some adolescent transgression involving cigarettes or a fire alarm, but also because his fear of winged blondes stands in direct contrast to things he is not afraid of in “Peter Pan,” which is the latest Movie We Watch So Frequently That Exposure To The DVD Laser Will Soon Cause The Disc To Burst Forth In Glorious Combustion, which will make him extremely displeased but probably sound really cool. (Let me amend that: We watch the first half of “Peter Pan.” And then we stop and watch it again. We are apparently only allowed to watch the first 40 minutes. Honestly, I have no idea how this movie ends. One night, after he’s asleep, at 3 a.m., I’m going to sneak into the living room and watch the end of “Peter Pan,” like a common criminal.)
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Historically accurate.
Anyway, here is a short list of things my boy is not afraid of in “Peter Pan”: Captain Hook, the ticking alligator, pirates, swordplay, fire, flying, Pan’s independent shadow and the Indian chief who sounds like Mel Brooks doing a Chief Illiniwek impression. There is a scene in which pirates threaten all manner of horrific violence on the jovial, plump Mr. Smee, including stabbing him in the gut and shooting him in the face (one pirate succeeds in getting a noose around Smee’s neck, which always is fun to explain), and needless to say, my son finds the pirate-violence scene HILARIOUS, whereas when Tinkerbell shows up and wiggles her nose, he panics and sprints outside.
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Related, sort of
• So, wait, pirates are jerks now?
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We’ve had this problem before. You know that scene in the “Lion King” in which Mufasa is killed? When Mufasa — the wise, just, patriarchal father figure — is betrayed at the hands of his brother and cast forth into a sea of stampeding wildebeests? My son thinks that scene more or less represents the zenith of comic achievement. He has actually FALLEN OFF THE COUCH LAUGHING at that scene, particularly the part where Simba rushes over to tend to his father’s freshly expired carcass, pleading for help and shouting “Somebody! Anybody!” to a deserted canyon. And my son will do the same, wandering around the living room giggling, “Somebody! Anybody!” enviably oblivious to his own father, who is generally, at this point, sobbing loudly.
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I am assured that this what doctors call “a phase,” which is the word doctors usually employ when they are trying to hurry you out of the room. I am also assured that having a healthy fear of adorable pixies at age 3 is not necessarily an indicator of, say, one’s eventual skills as a starting pitcher, professional wrestler or operator of a construction vehicle. So I’ve decided I’m not going to worry about anything yet, at least until I find out how the movie ends.
July 16th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
He SHOULD run away from females like that. It will save him a lot of grief someday.
July 20th, 2007 at 12:01 am
Ha! That’s funny! I’m sure Jake will get over Tinkerbell. Though his ability to laugh at non-funny things (i.e. The Lion King Death scene) will only get worse. Take it from one who knows.
When Titanic came out I sobbed in the theater. But upon watching the video for the 100th time at home, my sister and I started picking out every little thing we thought was funny and laughed through the whole movie (and there’s A LOT of funny stuff). To this day, my mom shakes her head at us.
July 25th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Forget Harry Potter – you just spoiled the end of The Lion King for me, you jerk. I was getting around to watching that.
June 9th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
This makes me infinitely happy.
Sorry, I don’t know you. We’re opening Peter Pan in my city this week, and your blog came up on a search.
You just made about 3 people’s day today.
September 23rd, 2009 at 8:30 am
Tinkerbell…the Bel comes from Ba’al, the detestable god of the amorites, to whom they practiced ritual child sacrifice. All angels are male and depictions of female angels are satanic. Lucifer, (from Lux-Fero, meaning light-bringer) combines the goddess of love with the god of war, thus the woman riding the beast in the book of revelation represents satan. It is no coincidence that in Beauty and The Beast the girls name is Bel. In the bible Nimrod founded Babylon, and his wife instituted ritual prostitution as part of their worship of Ba’al who is satan. Prostitution is from Pornea, where we get porn.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:44 am
Très bon article, merci
May 20th, 2010 at 9:25 am
Haha saw this linked on reddit and had a good laugh at work thanks!
May 20th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Thanks, and congratulations on what is an absolutely fantastic pseudonym/CB handle/roller derby name/Batman villain title
May 20th, 2010 at 9:42 am
This is great….thanks for sharing it with us! I love all the phases kiddies go through, it certainly makes life fun.
May 20th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Thanks as always, Jeanne
May 20th, 2010 at 10:22 am
After reading about the giggling and hysterical laughter during the Lion King scene I am kind of scared of your son
But I do agree, stay away from those crazy blondes, they are way more detrimental to his health then say, a scary one handed pirate.
May 20th, 2010 at 10:26 am
that’s just good parenting advice, Mindy.
May 20th, 2010 at 11:10 am
Tinkerbell has gotten scarier. Or more seductive and that might be scary for a 3 year old. It bothers me that any recent drawing (or should I say digital rendering ~ does anyone really draw at Disney anymore?) she looks like Betty Grable, peering over her shoulder. Only naughtier. Funny column and thanks for public opportunity to unload on Tink. Or whoever is digitally drawing her these days.
May 20th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Thanks, Jamie. In doing research (hah!) for this column, I came across the 3,500 Tinkerbell spinoffs that apparently exist these days. The Disney computer machines have been busy.
May 20th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
How does he feel about the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz? She still terrifies me.
May 20th, 2010 at 9:42 pm
Nope. We’re on an Oz/Willy Wonka blackout until he’s 24
May 20th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Be careful! When he’s 24 the last message you want him to hear is “There’s no place like home!”
May 21st, 2010 at 7:04 am
It is observed that kids often get afraid from the things that are related to their domain just like a strange cartoon but they feel it charming to watch movie like ” Evil Dead”.By this post is related to very deep intellectuality.
May 22nd, 2010 at 10:28 pm
Man, you get some cool comments. And by cool, I mean…weird.
The kid sounds awesome. No worries. The phase will pass—into something completely different. My seven year old is afraid of the wind. But nothing else. We are on a four-year Toy Story marathon, counting down to the release of Toy Story 3.
February 8th, 2011 at 6:15 pm
Oh! A kindred spirit! I thought I was the only one who realized how evil The Tink Vixen is. Not only is she a manipulating vengeful winged terrorist, she’s a thief! She and that wicked pickpocket Mickey! If you don’t believe me, just look at the price of tickets to Disneyland. I have a grown friend who can hardly resist buying every ridiculous, cheap, made-in-China Tinkerbell trinket she can find at outrageous markups. It’s a horrible affliction. Your son is the smart one! Pay heed to his fears! Tinkerbell is out to destroy the world.
October 1st, 2011 at 4:31 pm
i was scared of the daleks and still do not like them lol tinkerbells a sweetheart tell him my fear is the tazmanian devil lol makes me dizzy hi jeff xxjen
November 29th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
[...] I know what you’re thinking: "All_is_Mal, you hate princesses, but you like this TinkerBell?? The jealous, spiteful pixie that’s obsessed with her own reflection? The one that sells Peter [...]
February 8th, 2012 at 2:27 pm
That was too funny! He seems like a typical boy according to all the things he likes in the movie. I’m pretty positive I was afraid of the ticking alligator and captain hook well into my teens. At least you will be using his fears wisely – as ammunition.
February 8th, 2012 at 3:52 pm
IT’S AN ALLIGATOR THAT TICKS. Disney in the 40s was full of jerks, am I right?
February 8th, 2012 at 6:55 pm
I am constantly horrified by kids’ “phases” (and you’re so right, the use of that word in the doctor’s office is roughly translated in English to, “Well, this appointment is quickly becoming a waste of my time.”). My son laughs himself a hernia every time he watches one of those stick-figure cartoons of people shooting each other on YouTube – but his twisted sense of humor is no match for the new phase my oldest (7 year old) daughter is going through, in which she publicly tests out words like “sexy” and “boobies” with no warning. And she’s not subtle about it, either. Someone save me.
I’m here from Finding the Funny, and I’ve started following your blog – love your writing!
February 8th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Aw, see, don’t worry about stick-figure violence; I basically spent ages 6-24 playing with GI Joe figures (it got awkward in college) and I’ve really only let myself be consumed by uncontrollable fits of violent rage a few times a year. I still can’t go back to the movie theater. They know why. Thanks for stopping by! – J.
February 12th, 2012 at 11:21 pm
Jeff – this is awesome! We totally started watching the Lion King last weekend, and I turned it off after the first 10 minutes because I just couldn’t handle it – we didn’t even get to the part where someone dies…
I love that your son is afraid of tinkerbell. Classic!
February 13th, 2012 at 10:04 am
Well in his defense he *used* to be afraid of Tinkerbell. Definitely still not a fan of Voldemort-on-the-back-of-that-professor’s-head in the first Harry Potter movie though. Thanks for reading!
February 28th, 2012 at 9:24 am
[...] shy kid, someone not inclined to do what you asked the first or 12th time you asked it, but one who for about two solid years was scared to death of Tinker Bell. He was not, in our estimation, a Yellow Kid. Yet I should have known something was up when I went [...]