"You call that early 20th-century Fauvism, Cody? Get in your bed! GET!"
Island Packet — The dog we had while I was growing up was a scatterbrained, overcaffeinated Ewok named Cutty who had thick black fur, dragon breath and what could be generously described as scant bladder control. (Seriously, loved her, but the downstairs carpet was like a minefield of long-dried puddles. If I ever had a girl over, it would have been a problem. It was generally not a problem.)
Cutty could do a lot of things: She could smile on command, she could catch mice and she could consume an entire box of 12 chocolate Santas in one sitting, although the rest of that particular evening is something I’d like to forget.
But for all her positive traits, Cutty was a really lousy painter.
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Download: 9wgsEn
Download: baLw0u
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I bring this up because according to The Media, in recent months a fair number of human people have enjoyed some degree of financial gain selling art that has been created by dogs, in those rare moments that said dogs are not pulling Timmy out of the well or hosing down my yard.
Now, before we go further, and I’m no art critic or anything, but have you ever actually seen dog art? LAME. First of all, it’s so repetitive — it’s like, OK, we get it, you like kibbles. Second, and I don’t know about you, but I like my paintings to not be covered in meaty slobber. Thirdly, the dogs’ overindulgent reliance on pointillism is clearly intended as an homage to Seurat, but the thematic disparities trivialize the subject matter by creating a distinct loss of structure. (Don’t believe me? Go check out “Post-Impressionism: From Van Gogh To Gauguin.” It came highly recommended by my neighbor’s husky, Muffins.)
From what I can gather by scanning quickly through this dog-art story while drinking wine, people make their dogs paint for a number of reasons, which I will now make up:
- Dog art smells like sausage.
- The art-buying community evidently believes that we’ve reached the absolute zenith of human artistic achievement. Personally I believe this happened with Huey Lewis and the News’ 1982 album, “Sports,” but what do I know.
- Dogs that can paint, while not quite as awesome as dogs that can play poker, are still pretty cool. Mary Stadelbacher, a painting dog trainer from Salisbury, Md., which is one of the leading mid-sized dog-painter-training cities in all of Maryland, sells greeting cards featuring images painted by her three dogs. “Go paint, Sammy!” she’ll instruct her mixed-breed, who then uses a combination of watercolor brushes, palette knives and color shapers to create a replica of Monet’s “Rue Montorgueil,” which itself was oh come on, it’s a dog, it chomps a bone that has a paintbrush stuck in it.
Don’t believe me? Again? Well, you should first note that proceeds from the paintings are going to train rescue dogs to assist those with disabilities. So, yeah. Keep making fun.
But it helps explain this quote given by Sandy Waller of Salisbury to the Associated Press: “There are people who make a lot of money to make paintings that aren’t as intriguing as what these dogs have done,” said Waller, who paid $350 for Sammy’s work. $350! That would have almost paid for the cleaning process required by the explosive aftermath of Cutty’s chocolate-Santa fiasco.
“They have some real nice accidental results to them,” Linda Shipp, curator of the art galleries at Salisbury University, told the Associated Press. “They’re unique. People can say, ‘I have something no one else has. I have a painting by a dog.’” Similarly, I have a drawing by my son that is a train which contains a spaceship which contains another train and, unless I am mistaken, one of the hamsters from “G-Force.” I’m selling it for $47,500. To sweeten the deal, I’ll throw in a copy of “Sports.”
I'm a a writer for such outlets as Men's Health, South Magazine, Nickelodeon's 
March 18th, 2010 at 10:33 am
This was a hilarious post! I wonder how much extra you could make if you trained cats or hamsters to paint. I think I just found my calling.
March 19th, 2010 at 10:55 am
Both could be done, although you will need, of course, extremely tiny brushes
March 18th, 2010 at 10:34 am
This is perfect! Dear Tebow just lays around here. I thought he suffered from winter’s grip.
He’s a artist! I never knew! He must be missing the smells of oil and turpentine. I am going to get him set up at my 6 yo’s easel at once. Thank goodness someway to finally supplement my writing career. You made my year!
March 19th, 2010 at 10:55 am
1. Glad I could; the purpose of this blog is, of course, humor writing and solid career advice and 2. Please confirm you named your dog after Tim Tebow
March 18th, 2010 at 10:35 am
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March 18th, 2010 at 10:43 am
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March 18th, 2010 at 11:01 am
“Dog art smells like sausage.”
Cheers to you for speaking the truth.
March 18th, 2010 at 11:11 am
Very funny post.
March 18th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
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March 18th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
Hilarious. Although, everyone knows that human art really reached its zenith with the 1980 release of the cinematic masterpiece Xanadu.
March 19th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Once again I find myself in the position of defending Huey Lewis against “Xanadu.”
March 18th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
SNAUSAGES! “Dog art smells like sausage.”
Thanks. This is really funny…
March 18th, 2010 at 5:16 pm
LOL! Thanks!
March 18th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
This was great! I love my dogs…and I wish I could teach them to wipe their feet, nevermind paint! hahaha
March 19th, 2010 at 10:59 am
I think I’d start with the painting; no one’s going to pay your dogs to wipe their feet at the door. Maybe.
March 18th, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Yup. I know what I’m going to do when I get home tonight… Teach the dog how to paint. It’s high time she starts helping out around the house, and for the life of me I can’t get her to do my laundry or have dinner waiting for me when I get home.
March 19th, 2010 at 11:00 am
Absolutely, and good luck with this, although if the dog’s going to make dinner for you, you’d best be prepared for a diet based largely in Pupperoni
March 18th, 2010 at 7:37 pm
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March 18th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Cutty was a lousy painter but she was the cutest lousy painter ever. Remember when she climbed halfway up the Christmas tree to get the gingerbread cookie ornament? That caused another memorable evening:) Depends on what you want to use for paint, I guess.
March 19th, 2010 at 11:00 am
EW
March 18th, 2010 at 9:50 pm
Now, I would like to be a dog
March 18th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
awww how cute
March 19th, 2010 at 12:59 am
Maybe my dog is worth keeping around after all.
I saw some crap on tv about horses painting too. That was hilarious.
In the end, whatever brings in the money. Right?
March 19th, 2010 at 8:04 am
If dogs can be artists and create what they think is a mater piece then surly anyone can become an artist. This article is very interesting and makes me think of the way people now a days perceive art, quite interesting, i like.
March 19th, 2010 at 11:31 am
This post particularly coincided with what I heard on the radio about a horse that can paint (paintbrush in mouth when I started wondering about the hooves) and attracting tourists.
March 19th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
I was all set to call out the owner of Tebow when it occurred to me that I have absolutely zero room to talk.
Here Tiller!
March 20th, 2010 at 8:09 am
The art related to the dog will be absolutely abstract