Coffee Makes You Immortal, or, Last Night A Decaf Saved My Life

This has nothing to do with anything, but is awesome.

GateHouse — Because Science is difficult and includes many absurd words and phrases with which I am not familiar, such as “continuum” and “polyphenols” and “mice,” I have a new personal rule in which I only read studies in the news that pertain directly, indisputably to me.

I am not interested in studies about “global warming,” or “people who have scurvy,” or “ways I can personally improve the greater good by changing a few minor, convenient personal habits, such as not driving a Nissan Armada or setting the thermostat lower than 82.” I am a very, very busy person, and Science is a large field that also apparently covers rocks and outer space, and I don’t know who has the time to keep up with all this flip-flopping — eggs are good for you, no they’re bad, and you should drink eight cups of water a day except that you shouldn’t, and you’re not supposed to eat walrus meat when you’re pregnant, etc. etc.

So unless Science can magic me up a helper monkey or something to take care of all this “reading,” I’m gonna just choose which studies to subscribe to (Note to Science: I would also accept a helper walrus, because I am not a picky man, and tusks are neat).

Anyway, shortly after enacting this new set of personal bylaws, I came across a study in the Newspaper — which is the weird, papery thing that will print tomorrow news that you read on the Internet an hour ago — that said that people who drink coffee may, in fact, live longer than those who do not.

This news caused my hands to begin shaking uncontrollably, although I don’t know if that was due to the study or caffeine, because on any given morning I put down enough coffee to kill anyone over the age of 55; enough coffee to, if distilled properly, actually power an oscillating fan; enough coffee that I would basically save tremendous time and effort by just chawing on beans. (Note: I am kidding; chawing on beans tends to make teeth the color and consistency of a saloon barrel, not that I’ve tried or anything).

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• Bob Marley – One Cup of Coffee

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Anyway, the study, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, a title that it’s very difficult to not make a childish joke about, involved two large studies that followed professionals for over two decades. And it found that people who drank at least five to seven cups of coffee a week — around here we call that “the crossword puzzle,” but whatever — had a significantly lower risk of dying from anything compared to those inexplicable freakshows who didn’t drink any at all. Those who drink four to five cups a day had even better protection, although it’s difficult to congratulate them on it, because they’re in the bathroom all the time.

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RELATED, SORT OF

• My new coffee maker is totally going to score me $100,000
  
• The coffee maker is broken. Many dozens will be killed

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(It also reported that those who drink decaf, which is utterly pointless but whatever, also enjoyed similar health benefits, indicating that there are greater forces at work in coffee besides the caffeine that is required to start your heart every morning.)

But after reading this story, something occurred to me, something that probably occurred to many of you pathetic caffeine obsessives as well: “My God, if coffee can make you live longer, there is a reasonable chance that I am FIERCE AND IMMORTAL!” and then you danced around for a while trying to shoot lasers out of your eyes and maybe lift up your washing machine, or, you know, whatever you do in your house.

Well, if you do find yourself thinking silly things like “I cannot be killed by conventional means,” here is my advice: Keep doing it, because it’s probably true. And celebrate too, because it is fantastic news, except for that when you become immortal I think you have to become some kind of costumed superhero, and maintain that nonsense about great power and great responsibility and using your powers for good, never evil, blah blah boring boring. Whatever, though. If it’s something that involves plenty of delicious coffee and possibly a cape, I am in for life.