Swine flu: You never sausage a worldwide flu epidemic!

Island Packet — SWINE FLU!

SWIIIIIIIINE FLUUUUUUUU!

If you are reading this right now, YOU HAVE THE SWINE FLU! You should STOP EATING SWINE, IMMEDIATELY. Also should you absolutely stop rubbing yourself down with sausage patties, if you’re still following the latest skin care trends.

According to the teevee, YOU ARE INFECTED WITH SWINE FLU, I AM INFECTED WITH SWINE FLU AND THE DUDE WHO SITS NEXT TO ME WHO I NOTICE IS COUGHING AN AWFUL LOT THIS WEEK IS MOST DEFINITELY A WALKING SACK OF SWINE FLU. Oh God, he just reported that he consumed pork skins for lunch, it’s over. Also he smells like bacon, which on most days is pretty cool but on this first official American SWINE FLU WEEK is making me a little nervous, though not nervous enough that I’m not thinking a little bit about breakfast right now, starring about five pancakes.

Oh sure, you’re saying, isn’t this just the regular flu with a scary animal-based porcine name that lends itself spectacularly well to a cable-news graphic? That is what SWINE FLU WANTS YOU TO THINK. It is very sneaky like that, much sneakier than its cousin, The Bird Flu, which was previous to this week the most terrifying animal-themed illness name to come across the teleprompter of many a comely blank anchorperson. Bird Flu is a little scary, but not really, since it’s also, technically, a sentence. Scarier than that is SARS, which sounds like something you would shoot at if you were a space commander, and scarier than THAT is anthrax, which sounds like something you would shoot at if you were a space commander, and SCARIER THAN THAT is WEST NILE VIRUS, which combines the exotic-sounding “Nile” with the extremely evil-sounding “Virus” and the directional prefix “West,” which isn’t scary by itself, but very dusty.

But scarier than ALL OF THOSE PUT TOGETHER WITH SPRINKLES is being eaten by a shark, which never really good a cool cable-news name but was the planet’s biggest problem in the summer of ‘05 or ‘02 or whenever everyone went all shark crazy.

I am, of course, yelling because according to The Media the SWINE FLU is a raging national pandemic worthy of ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, as well as a text message from CNN that caused my stupid phone to go BZZZZZ at 3 in the morning and totally woke me up (if I get sick it’s going to be due to sleep deprivation). It is, according to Scientists, it is … uh, it is … OK, hmm, apparently it’s much like regular flu. Well, that’s not true – it might be apparently fatal for small children or frail old people, much like, come to think of it, EVERY OTHER AILMENT IN THE WORLD EVER. So the question is, again, who do I believe: Health Scientists and Professionals, or the doughy yippy teevee people? Do you hear me, Science? WHO ARE YOU TO TELL THE NEWS WHAT IS AND IS NOT FLU? Right now on CNN there is a large headline: OUTBREAK OF FEAR — WHAT WE DON’T KNOW SCARES US. If it wasn’t for TV YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD YEARS AGO.

Besides, I can tell you right now who is behind this: the powerful international cabal Big Bacon, which is the shady yet sloppy organization that has been secretly running our country’s pig farms for years. It is not a cabal that smells terribly good. Their meetings are also held in mud puddles, which makes it really hard to keep decent notes. Their induction ceremonies involve getting a tattoo of Wilbur from “Charlotte’s Web” branded on your left forearm. I fully expect a series of nationwide organized bacon-based Tea Bag Protests, as soon as those involved can figure out a foggy, confusing message that their protests can fail to get across.

Anyway, not that anyone wants to hear it, because fear gives you more money, but I have a solution to the Swine Flu Pandepidemic 2009 — This Time Its Porksonal. I will be injecting myself with pig penicillin, to inoculate myself. And then we will slaughter all the pigs we can find, and feast on pile after pile of delicious sausages and cured meats. Mmmmmmm delicious flu.