GateHouse — First of all, if someone was really interested in actually inventing something from “Star Wars,” these would be my priorities:
- Lightsaber. S’yeah. Never again would I have to wait for the garage door to go up. Also, vandalism would be much easier.
- Blue milk. Frankly, white milk = socialism.
- That storytelling device they have that paves over obscenely huge plot holes.
- A fully functional personal Zuckuss, just something for running weekday errands, vacuuming, making eggs and hunting down and dispatching my many, many enemies. You know. Zuckuss-y things.
But if the Military-Industrial Complex wants to start with a regular laser gun, I suppose I’ll manage; I guess, you know, it’s their Complex. I’m not gonna be happy about it, but whatever, anger leads to suffering or some such blah blah blah.
Indeed, the laser guns in question come from our friends at the defense contractor Northrop Gumman Corp., which will be hereafter referred to as THE GALACTIC EMPIRE, in all caps, like in the opening crawl for some reason, like viewers couldn’t determine which GALACTIC EMPIRE was being discussed. (“So, do they mean the GALACTIC EMPIRE that executed the Jedi and is exerting crushing dictatorial control over the galaxy, or the one putting on the farmer’s market by the Y on Saturday?”)
Anyway, North… er, the GALACTIC EMPIRE said last week that its engineers have developed an electric LASER GUN, one that is capable of shooting LASERS out of a GUN into OTHER OBJECTS, like STORMTROOPERS, the PLANET ALDERAAN and ALL OF THE TOP EXECUTIVES OF AIG, and yes I am advocating the use of fictional galactic space violence here, I urge you to do same.
Regarding their successful test, the GALACTIC EMPIRE said, “Seven laser chains were combined to produce a single beam of 105.5 kW. The seven-chain JHPSSL laser demonstrator ran for more than five minutes, achieved electro-optical efficiency of 19.3″ and holy cow I had no idea lasers could be so boring. Sorry about that. We’ll get right back to wonderful series of sustained nerd-jokes, but first let me assure you that this article is accompanied by a picture of a scientist in Scary Scientist Gear doing Scientisty things with a machine that’s shooting little red lasers all over the place. And not for nothing, but his creepy white outfit and strange facemask make him totally look like a stormtrooper, which I know is a stretch, but not nearly as much of a stretch as claiming all stormtroopers are basically Boba Fett’s dad.
Anyway, the laser gun, says The Media, is a “major milestone” that could turn “what was once a Buck Rogers space fantasy into reality.” Which is fine and everything, but it fails to take into account that Buck Rogers is a big fat purple-colored sissybritches who would get eaten for lunch by Boba Fett about a hundred times by 10 in the morning, and it has just now occurred to me that this column is going to have a very, very “selective readership” to it, and by “selective readership” I mean “absolutely no girls.” My apologies, ladies. Boys like lasers. But let me assure you that, artfully deployed Zuckuss jokes notwithstanding, I am actually extremely awesome, and will have a much more inclusive topic next week, in the unlikely event I still have a job.
What this means for the future is uncertain, other than that if Cheney hasn’t bought twelve million of these guns by now I will consume my entire couch, but as CNet reports, it could be an “entry point to weapons-grade laser weapons.” And if we can create weapons-grade laser weapons, imagine what other weapons-grade weapons could be next: thermal detonators, ion cannons, an all-powerful energy field created by all living things that surrounds us and penetrates us and makes it so we can choke contemptuous frat boys with weird lips from across the room until we learn that energy is just due to random schmutz floating around in our bloodstreams. It’s all terribly exciting, and I cannot wait to discuss it further with my Zuckuss.
Stumble It!
The weird thing is, you’re married. To another human. And she’s cool. How in the sweet mother of Luke and Leia did that happen?
NERD ALERT!!!! But seriously, loved it. Can’t wait for my weapons-grade laser weapon. But what about driving-grade laser weapons? That should end road rage. Or quin-double-tup it. But at least I’ll have a laser. Good times.
For the record, girls like lasers too. And sonic screwdrivers. and Stuff that Explodes.
I’m just sayin.
As a “girl” I totally got, and loved, the Star Wars references, and laughed at all the appropriate places (at least I think that they were the appropriate places). I also think lasers are cool and have discussed the benefits of installing some sort of ion laser cannon onto the hood of my car many times with my husband. He is simply grateful that technolgy has not totally caught up with my (very minor) road rage problem.
It never fails to surprise me, how many people would like to have ion cannons installed on their cars. I think they come standard on the new Priuses. Pri-i. Whatever. The hell’s a sonic screwdriver??
“it has just now occurred to me that this column is going to have a very, very “selective readership” to it, and by “selective readership” I mean “absolutely no girls.”
I gotta tell ya, you’re missing out on a rather larger-than-I-bet-you-expected population of “girls” that not only got every single reference, but loved them. I often fantasize about having my very own light saber, crafted by my own hands, natch. Until that’s possible, I’ll keep dreaming. A word to Mr. Vrabel, keep in mind that some girls are also Sci-Fi-Star Wars geeks, too. My dog’s name is Obi-Wan, most of my user names are Janakin Skywalker, and many a Wal-mart cashier has commented on my Star Wars checks, especially the Vader ones. I know from experience how strange it is for the boys to believe that we girls are into this stuff, too. I am contstanly getting strange and questioning looks from the general public when I wear my “Vader Was Framed” t-shirt or when someone spys my Darth Vader “Who’s Your Daddy” keychain and bumper sticker. So, the next time you are writing your ever so witty columns (which I love, BTW), frequently with the seemingly obligitory Star Wars reference, know that it is not just for the boys, girls like it, too.