GateHouse — I have an urgent alert regarding Scarlett Johansson, whose name I am including here in the lead partly because it introduces the column, and mostly because it will totally increase my Google hits. Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Johansson. I am all about metadata up in here.
This morning I received an important e-mail from a mysterious character who identified himself only as “Serge G.” (No relation to Warren.) Serge is pretty obviously either an international superspy, mustachioed evil genius or has come here from the future. Because Serge’s missive WARNS ME about STOLEN BIOLOGICAL MATERIAL, and somewhat less capitalized-ly, trouble involving the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2007 regarding Scarlett Johansson, who, his e-mail’s subject line helpfully clarifies, is an actress. So we’re not talking about Scarlett Johansson the regional marketing manager for TiresPlus. Let’s be clear about that.
Receiving this e-mail caused me to put down my morning ham and deal with several dozen crucial questions at once, including: Who is this Serge, and why is he so obsessed with the uppercase? Does his interest in the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2007 (which he identifies with exclamation points, for added awesomeness) extend to the inherent rights of the non-superhot? Who stole Scarlett Johansson’s BIOLOGICAL MATERIAL, because frankly that sounds a little bit fun.
And finally, why would Serge or anyone want to enact federal legislation prohibiting the cloning of Scarlett Johansson? That is an outrage! Just think of it, a glorious, sun-kissed utopian future inhabited by hundreds — thousands! — of Scarlett Johanssons ambling about, working at our coffee shops, directing our traffic, fixing our mufflers, checking us out at our Targets, writing our speeding tickets, refereeing our college basketball games.
There could be a Scarlett behind the wheel of every bus, a Scarlett putting out every house fire, Scarletts behind the Genius Bar at every Apple store! A world with many thousands of Scarletts holds nothing but promise and wonder, mostly because of the fact that, statistically speaking, at least one of them would want to make out with me.
Anyway, Serge’s e-mail begins — and here I should probably warn you to sit down and get a mug of piping hot cider, because I am about to blow your damn mind — by stating that Scarlett Johansson is not a person at all, but a lousy filthy clone from Germany, which means in addition to being a fake person, she is comprised mostly of bratwurst.
Serge writes, “I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian last name, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. I’ll tell you more, those clones (it’s not only one) made in GERMANY – world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, Rhineland-Palatinate. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity.”
(He’s totally right, by the way. I just tried imaginging the scale of the cloning activity, and it sort of turned my mind to Grape Nuts right there.)
You can, however, imaging how a dark revelation of this sort puts a very weird spin on the beginning of your day. But imaging being Serge, and so motivated and compelled to get this out that you can barely even string together a remotely grammatical sentence.
Still, the weird, intrusive man has a point: Not only did they go swab Scarlett Galabekian without telling her about it, but Galabekian is “not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that actress’ career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that.”
So, yeah. Think about that next time you feel like sitting down with a bratwurst and checking out “Lost in Translation” on HBO.