SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS A CLONE, according to this grammatically troubled e-mail I have just received

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Pictured: Scarlett Johansson

GateHouse — I have an urgent alert regarding Scarlett Johansson, whose name I am including here in the lead partly because it introduces the column, and mostly because it will totally increase my Google hits. Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Johansson Scarlett Johansson. I am all about metadata up in here.

This morning I received an important e-mail from a mysterious character who identified himself only as “Serge G.” (No relation to Warren.) Serge is pretty obviously either an international superspy, mustachioed evil genius or has come here from the future. Because Serge’s missive WARNS ME about STOLEN BIOLOGICAL MATERIAL, and somewhat less capitalized-ly, trouble involving the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2007 regarding Scarlett Johansson, who, his e-mail’s subject line helpfully clarifies, is an actress. So we’re not talking about Scarlett Johansson the regional marketing manager for TiresPlus. Let’s be clear about that.

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http://bit.ly/9QkV4n

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Receiving this e-mail caused me to put down my morning ham and deal with several dozen crucial questions at once, including: Who is this Serge, and why is he so obsessed with the uppercase? Does his interest in the Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2007 (which he identifies with exclamation points, for added awesomeness) extend to the inherent rights of the non-superhot? Who stole Scarlett Johansson’s BIOLOGICAL MATERIAL, because frankly that sounds a little bit fun.

And finally, why would Serge or anyone want to enact federal legislation prohibiting the cloning of Scarlett Johansson? That is an outrage! Just think of it, a glorious, sun-kissed utopian future inhabited by hundreds — thousands! — of Scarlett Johanssons ambling about, working at our coffee shops, directing our traffic, fixing our mufflers, checking us out at our Targets, writing our speeding tickets, refereeing our college basketball games.

There could be a Scarlett behind the wheel of every bus, a Scarlett putting out every house fire, Scarletts behind the Genius Bar at every Apple store! A world with many thousands of Scarletts holds nothing but promise and wonder, mostly because of the fact that, statistically speaking, at least one of them would want to make out with me.

Anyway, Serge’s e-mail begins — and here I should probably warn you to sit down and get a mug of piping hot cider, because I am about to blow your damn mind — by stating that Scarlett Johansson is not a person at all, but a lousy filthy clone from Germany, which means in addition to being a fake person, she is comprised mostly of bratwurst.

Serge writes, “I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person Scarlett Galabekian last name, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. I’ll tell you more, those clones (it’s not only one) made in GERMANY – world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, Rhineland-Palatinate. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity.”

(He’s totally right, by the way. I just tried imaginging the scale of the cloning activity, and it sort of turned my mind to Grape Nuts right there.)

You can, however, imaging how a dark revelation of this sort puts a very weird spin on the beginning of your day. But imaging being Serge, and so motivated and compelled to get this out that you can barely even string together a remotely grammatical sentence.

Still, the weird, intrusive man has a point: Not only did they go swab Scarlett Galabekian without telling her about it, but Galabekian is “not happy with those movies, images, video, rumors and etc. spreading on media in that way it would be really nice if we all will try slow down that actress’ career development, original Scarlett will really appreciated that.”

So, yeah. Think about that next time you feel like sitting down with a bratwurst and checking out “Lost in Translation” on HBO.

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About Jeff Vrabel

Writer for GQ, Time, Men's Health, Billboard, Paste, Nickelodeon's NickMom, the official Bruce Springsteen site and The South Magazine. I'm also a syndicated humor columnist in "newspapers" and a father of two (the younger of whom has been personally approved by Springsteen). View all posts by Jeff Vrabel

16 responses to “SCARLETT JOHANSSON IS A CLONE, according to this grammatically troubled e-mail I have just received

  • Jon

    I just got this too. It appears the clone revolution has begun!

    Like

  • Adrian Carswell

    Hahah i just got this email too.

    Like

  • spamcarnival

    This email was posted on dlisted.com and is also on my blog, where I catalog emails like this. I love what you just wrote – hilarious!

    Like

  • joe

    Crazy. This “Serge” posted the statement verbatim in our local pape the other day. Check it out:

    http://independent.com/news/2008/dec/24/10-best-flicks-2008/

    Like

  • Mim

    And here, after a review of “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

    http://www.abc.net.au/atthemovies/txt/s2476016.htm

    Like

  • _Louie

    yeah, she´s a clone!

    Like

  • Linda

    Let the Clone Wars begin! According to Serge G, we are surrounded by clones, nasty little beasts that they are. Of course they’re from Germany, the evil empire that gave us sauerkraut, bratwurst and Oktoberfest.

    When the Clones take us over, let me know – I’ll be drowning my fears in German Ale. ;-)

    Like

  • sarah

    hi…its bullshit ..i dare not beloive this e-mail if i were you..but i still odnt ..”too many fake things happening inthis fake world..uhhhwhtever is left of it cuz nothing in teh world seems more natural..than her (scarlett johansson’s existence”…i mena wht proof do u /we actually have tht she is a clone huh?.!.HA” it only looks good in movies like THE ISLAND or ….stuff like tht ..

    Like

  • annnoymous...

    hi…its bullshit ..i dare not belive this e-mail if i were you..but i still dont ..”too many fake things happening inthis fake world..uhhh whtever is left of it cuz nothing in teh world seems more natural..than her “scarlett johansson’s existence”…i mean wht proof do u /we actually have tht she is a clone huh?.!.HA, it only looks good in movies like THE ISLAND or ….stuff like tht ..

    Like

  • cognitive46

    I have not received such a mail yet and I do not have courage to read such a email

    Like

  • Eusebio Mawk

    Interesting and Enjoyable to read! I have added your web site to my rss feed. Keep on writing!

    Like

  • Jack Yan

    Serge has reached out to us several times over the last few years. There are, I believe from his assertions, 200 of these clones, which begs the question: where are the 199?

    Like

  • Frank Lloyd Reich

    “sergal 9/25/2011 2:19 AM EST
    S.J. is stolen biological material, taken against will and formed to clones line 200 pieces total. Sign of dangerous criminal activity. Original Scarlett Galabekian educated and licensed pediatrician doctor.”
    Looks like Serge has still got this bee in his bonnet . First I’ve heard of it . A google brought me here . I like a good persistent “crazy” with an important message . I was a big fan of Dr Klaus Wagner ( Diana Spencer and author of the priceless : ” Elizardbeast – we are 666 of you ” ) . A google of Serge G turned up this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud3OH4JLp48 . Is this our man spreading his message ? This is a conspiracy theory well worth perpetuating . Keep up the good work Serge , wherever you are .
    Interesting that while on one hand , according to Benjamin Fulford , one faction of “the Ubermeisters” wants to seriously reduce global population ( there’s too many of us ) , another wants to bypass the usual reproductive process and create more . Good quality control . While the process is in it’s infancy they’ll concentrate on producing beautiful units like Scarlett , and when they get the process down , they can produce units for working down the mine . Perhaps these two programs could work in conjunction . Only problem is you’d need to keep a large population of uncontrolled trash units for gestation . Only for a while though , after the program builds up a head of steam , you could replace the gestation units with clones too , to keep the program ” cleaner ” . I could go on , but WGAF ? I should have just stuck to a smutty response , such as : ” I wouldn’t mind stealing a bit of her biological material , and giving her some of mine . Where can I get me some ? ”
    In summation I’d just like to say that I’m glad Serge G is still at it and I hope to hear more of his story in the future . ( Future ain’t tomorrow , future is today . Mr Kraut’s Jinx , Amon Duul II . )

    Like

  • Frank Lloyd Reich

    Another recent Serge G post and a possible contact address :

    OK guys! The latest bio tech news.
    Because of stolen status of clones Scarlett’s original family resistance there was never installed female reproductive organs, never was installed fully functional digested system (food can go inside, but not outside, of course special food, 100% consumable), no hair on the body, all glued, some body parts substituted by silicone implants, some as I said v-nas never was installed at all also never was installed memory functionality in clones brain. S. Johansson actress CAN NOT BE PREGNANT. S. J. clones activity is a result of remoter activity, each and every move, word, blink of the eyes of S. clones is a result of somebody’s will, that somebody usually Serge Galabekian not original, who is also stolen biological material. Scarlett’s original parents are great, unique doctors, especially Karsten Galabekian, that is right last name Galabekian. Sure name was changed because of big disappointments with Scarlett Johansson “actress” rumors and gossips est. Original Scarlett’s family has strict Christian tradition that conflicting with S. J. “life stile”, philosophy. In fact there none originals left with Johansson last name in regards of S. J. actress. They turn to Galabekian last name, as mush as their daughter’s adopted last name.
    Without remoter S.J. actress required life support chamber, brain can’t control respiratory or blood circulation system functionality.
    Posted Wednesday 18 May, 2011 5:44 AM
    http://sergal.gather.com/ ( Last signed in: Oct 07, 2011 )
    http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474980417160#comments ( by guess who ? )
    galabs2000@gmail.com

    Like

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