jeffvrabel.com

(Gatehouse Media) – So I went and saw the “Spider-Man 3” this weekend because I figured everyone else on the planet had by now, and if there’s anything I hate, it’s standing in line for more than 90 seconds for Junior Mints. So if for some reason you haven’t seen the movie — and, according to the worldwide box office, it’d have to be a humdinger of a reason, like you’ve been detained by a zombie army or pulled your groin getting out of the hot tub — I warn you, the rest of this column will be lousy with ruined plot points, like the part where Spider-Man kills Mary Jane with a piece of PVC piping, the Green Goblin’s weird dance number and the scene where it’s revealed that Aunt May has been dead the whole time.

I’m no movie critic, unless I’m talking about “Spaceballs,” which is the most underrated comedy in the whole of American cinema, but I found “Spider-Man 3” sort of bleh, much like everyone else in the country, apparently (it’s polling a rather dismal 61 percent on RottenTomates.com). I’m also not a screenwriter, but I am a longtime dork, and as someone with absolutely no film experience but dismal social habits and an Internet connection, I feel compelled, if not obligated, to share the following list of Things to Keep Out of All Future Superhero Movies. If you use this, you can call me DarthRedPants17.

1. Death scenes in which a character expires in the arms of another character. Particularly if the soon-to-be-deceased has just redeemed himself in some highly convoluted fashion. Also particularly if he/she bravely denies attempts at rehabilitation. And extremely particularly if the scene is staged during sunrise. OK. I GET IT. NEW BEGINNINGS. CAN WE GET BACK TO BREAKING STUFF NOW?

2. Talking. Boy, there’s a lot of talking in “Spider-Man 3.” Peter Parker talks to Aunt May about Mary Jane, Mary Jane talks to Pouty Doe-Eyed Guy about Peter Parker — for Pete’s sake, the Sandman has an extended monologue, and he’s weeping throughout much of it. It is safe to assume that when attending a film about toxic goo that fell from space and has its own POV camera, people are not interested in learning Valuable Life Lessons. That’s what the voiceovers on “Grey’s Anatomy” are for. That said, we could also do without the …

3. CGI. A blanket note to the nation’s army of CGI people, effects guys (and wom … well, OK, let’s be honest, it’s just guys), digital wizards and the like: If we, the moviegoing public, all admit that you can craft lifelike-looking scenes wherein people plummet for several thousands of feet while rocket-ship skateboards whirl around them on fire, do you think you could stop putting them in movies? There were three scenes in the film in which I figured out what happened only when they showed which body was on the ground. Two things, though — you still haven’t figured out rain, and when Venom talks, he looks like a plant.

4. Scenes in which a gruff old character is fleeced by a precocious youngster. Funny when they were first put to film in 1912. Now, not so much.

5. Too many villains. Generally speaking, a movie cannot support three villains, or did no one see “Batman Forever?”

6. Considerable back-story rewriting. Apparently I am one of the only people in New York that did not kill Uncle Ben.

7. The Silver Surfer. OK, this was just in trailers for “Fantastic Jim and the Power Bunch” or something, but sweet Georgia Brown, what is this all about? I mean, sure, “Spider-Man 3” was kind of boring, but it’s not like its primary villain was an Academy Award.

8. If a comic-book movie is two-and-a-half-hours long, it should either involve an extended Kirsten Dunst dance scene, a complimentary drink or two halfway through or, for no particular reason at all, a brief but crucial scene from “Spaceballs.”