JeffVrabel.com

Clifford, morbidly obese

GateHouse — Good news for extremely fat dogs, people with several hundred thousand dollars of cash left over in the pharmaceutical fund, or those who are just plain tired of being able to overmedicate only themselves and their children.

Last week, the Federal Government, which couldn’t get to a flooded American city for nearly a full week, managed to approve the first-ever drug aimed at curbing the nationwide epidemic of overweight dogs. The drug is called Slentrol, or, if you’re a dog, “ARF!”

“This is a welcome addition to animal therapies, because dog obesity appears to be increasing,” said Stephen Sundlof, director of the Center for Veterinary Medicine at the FDA, articulating what’s really the only problem left facing our otherwise ship-shape culture. Seriously, we get this under control, and get that fourth “Indiana Jones” thing made, and we’re pretty much Shangri-La.

According to the AP’s Fat Dog reporter, a dog is obese if it weighs 20 percent more than its ideal weight or is owned by Dennis Hastert (look it up – I don’t write these rules). That’s over three million dogs in the U.S. alone. Moreover, an additional 20 to 30 percent of American canines are considered merely overweight, but try to keep that quiet – it makes them seriously mopey and depressed, and they won’t be able to drink out of the toilet for like hours.

Slentrol works by rejiggering the dog’s DNA or something to reduce the amount of fat a dog can absorb, which is, of course, a much more cost-effective and convenient solution than not letting the dog absorb the fat in the first place. It also apparently results in a feeling of “fullness” in the dog, although – and I’m not complaining or anything – it’s been really hard to get the dogs to answer these questions seriously. Apparently during the interview process they just sit there, staring at the scientists with this sort of ridiculous dumb look on their faces.

The drug is administered by grabbing the dog around the neck in a headlock position, fighting like hell to open its mouth, and then hoping you get the pill down in there sometime in the first ten to four thousand tries.

What could possibly be the downside to all this, you might be asking, as you step over your sweating, macabre tub of mutt on your way to your credit card? Well, there are side effects, which include loss of appetite, lethargy, vomiting, diarrhea and – wait for it! – the always delightful shower of loose stools.

The FDA takes pains to assure you that Slentrol is NOT FOR USE IN HUMANS – even DMX. Humans, pathetically, will be forced to resort to some combination of regular exercise and reduced food consumption to lose weight. The FDA also, incidentally, advises you not to eat dog food. It also encourages you from beating yourself in the head with a large rubber mallet. It also suggests you should probably steer clear of immersing yourself ever in a hot tub full of mild jalapeno salsa.

So it’s been a good few weeks for the weight-loss community. Starbucks banned trans fats and dogs got a diet pill, which should … yeah, that pretty much takes care of the problem entirely. So what are you waiting for? Head to the vet, grab your Slentrol, and begin immediately enjoying your thin and lethargic pup, and his lively fiesta of explosive runny stools.